It’s looking about time for me to make another one of these posts, as my mind keeps going at top speed, and I haven’t overshared on here yet. No time like the present.
“We’re both getting to vulnerability” (December 16). I think this is true in more ways than one. As Cody and I continue to talk, I appreciate openness on both sides. I think we are at the end of whatever the rose colored glasses stage would be called. Maybe honeymoon phase, but in this context it sounds too marriage-y. When we called today, we ran out of things to talk about. Strange maybe. But I was still comfortable in the silence, and I usually hate lack of conversation. So. I’m not sure fully what I’m trying to say. Yeah, I think I’ll move on.
This next quote is very long, and also very overshare-y but womp womp. “She agreed with me. About labeling it. She said we already act like we’re dating, I said true, the only thing that would change is making it exclusive, which it already is. Hm. I wanted to take action. It’s a real good thing he was asleep because I seriously might have. POV: ya gorl 1:) forgot it’s quite literally against the rules to date in a DTS. 2:) Forgot about my whole not pursuing thing, and 3:) was NOT waiting for Gods timing. OH and 4:) would have been breaking our original agreement. Shoutout a rare W for wacky time zones.” (December 16) Talking with Mama Sarah about relationship stuff never ever ever fails. Anyway. So the verbal processor that I am, I told her all about my conflicting mindsets, and eventually settled on labels. Yeah. As seen above. Man, words are failing an unusual amount tonight. Um. I guess I really just want/ed to call Cody my boyfriend (oh dear). And I was all ready too. Tired Kiah makes not good decisions. So. That went nowhere. Sarah also said to not overcomplicate it, to let myself just live in and enjoy this time instead of thinking towards the future. I don’t need to think towards the future yet. I can enjoy the present.
“I don’t even know how to write about today. I think it was weirdly lore heavy in a way that I won’t know for a while.” (December 17) It lowkey kind of was. It established new connection with the team, Sarah and I bonded even more (and I realized just how much she will fight for me), and YHWH and I had a heart to heart. Maybe no long term effects, but it definitely helped my mindset the following week.
“I was convicted. About not reading the Bible AT ALL.” (December 17) It’s an ISSUE. I’m used to having a set time of day, in a set location, ALONE, to read my Bible and pray. There is no setting times of day here. Or location. Especially not alone. So I just haven’t been reading my Bible or praying at all. While on a missions trip, focused on helping others come to know Jesus, I don’t know Him. Wack. I’m working on this, but it is by no means fixed. To make matters worse, I had to leave my Bible at the base because the cover fell off. I hate hate hate reading on my phone. Yeah, I guess it’s a solvable problem, but it would take too much effort. (Wow. Too much effort for GOD. Thats a WILD statement for me to write.) I’m working on building back my prayer routines. That is going well. Bible reading will be second. Not good, but realistic.
“We yapped a whole lot about the future. I don’t know what I want to do with it. But I trusted YHWH with my life and now I’m here with the coolest people ever.” (December 17) I can clearly remember a specific praise night a few summers ago when I was asked what my plans were after I graduated. I said I didn’t have any. My mom happened to be standing by, and she flipped out, saying that that was irresponsible, and made her worry every night. I told her that there was not a plan in the world that could keep me from where God wants me to go. I didn’t need to worry about it because God would put the pieces together. She didn’t much like that. Worrying is the base of her personality. Much as insecurity is mine. But God got me to YWAM. I keep thinking, what would have happened if I had chosen something else. Anything else. My entire life would be different. If I had stayed for college, I would be stuck. I likely would have stayed in Abilene, or at least Kansas, for the rest of my life. If I had chosen a different gap year, I never would have met these people, I wouldn’t be in Thailand. If I had chosen a different base. If I had gone to the January school instead. I would have met this group, but would not have been impacted by them. They would be different. I may not play a big role in anyone’s life, but even my subtle presence is enough to dramatically alter how this team functions. They wouldn’t have had me. I wouldn’t have left Kansas yet. I would never have met Jess. I would never have met Cody. God placed me where and when He wanted me, but it’s so fun to think about the what ifs.
“I will refuse to doom the narrative with my overthinking. I can observe it for what it is and let it pass through me.” (December 17) This applies to so much. This is something I aspire to fully believe and apply to my life. Is this healthy for everyone? Absolutely not. But would this change my life for the better? Indubitably.
“Not plugging in makes me like I am now, and I’m doing nothing to remedy that. I can’t do this in my own power. I can’t change in my own power. I need Jesus and I am not seeking him.” (December 17) I already dove into this a bit, but let’s keep going. I am and was getting burnt out. Just slightly so far. Thats to be expected. But the side effects are never pleasant. I am getting snippy with people. Ashlin. I griped at Maddie in class (or at least, I think I did.) I’ve yelled at Trevor on more than one occasion. Ethan has been on my nerves since Day One of outreach, and has never left. (By no fault of his own. It is purely my own spite) The worst part is, as I get more and more tired, my filter seems to shut down with it. So I’m mean. I never mean to be. I don’t want to hurt anyone here, I love every member of my team dearly. But I am so tired. Now back to the point, this is what trying to do things in my own power looks like. I need to not do that. I’m just not quite sure where to start.
“Processing and down time are not the same. If we go two weeks without any downtime, this is what happens. My shutdown on Saturday. Ashlin losing it at/over Trevor. Ethan looking like a dead man and acting like a caged animal. Sarahs over introspection. Drew’s freak out at the waterfall. Trevor’s anxiety attack. (He would argue that it wasn’t)” (December 17) We don’t do downtime here. Oh sure we get ten or twenty odd minutes a day. But ten minutes of fully and for real down time is not sustainable. We are supposed to be having weekly days of rest. I have been here a month. We have had a grand total of zero rest days. And it seems that no one else sees the issue with that. But I not only see the issue but the effects. My shutdown a few weeks ago was bad, but my panic attack was worse (it would have happened regardless, I just don’t think it would have lasted days.) Ashlin is getting snippy, with Trevor at the time, but now it seems with everyone. (This is merely an observation. I am also getting snippy. This is why we need rest.) Ethan is dead tired and can’t go on a walk. So. He’s just stir crazy. Sarah seems extra ponder-y. Christmas hit her hard. Drew needs to rest to recover from his injuries, but he won’t because WE won’t. Trevor had a whole panic attack a week-ish ago. Sarah had to talk him down, and it appears that it at least mildly lasted the better part of two days. We. Need. Rest. I am all for making as many memories as possible, but this isn’t healthy. Memories don’t matter if you start making careless mistakes. I wish I was more willing to speak up.
“I’ve gone two weeks without a day of rest. It’s literally biblical. If I hadn’t talked to Sarah yesterday’s I likely wouldn’t have said anything. As it was, it was already articulated. ‘I need a day of rest. I shut down on Saturday, and I’m still off because of it.’ Sarah wouldn’t let them ignore it, though it was semi-obvious they wanted to. Unfortunately the outing is all or nothing. They asked if I would be willing to go, and I (ever the people pleaser) said yes, but added that I could in no way guarantee my being a good person the following week. Ashlin said sleep in the car. It is not and never was about that kind of rest.” (December 18) Mostly covered this already, but they literally took out the next scheduled day of rest the DAY after I wrote about needing rest. So. It wasn’t bad. But it could have been. And maybe thats why I’m snippy. During a team meeting, when I tried to bring it up, everyone tried to skip over actually listening to what I had to say. Maybe it wasn’t intentional. But with how this group is wired, they didn’t want to be confronted with their bodies need for rest. So they ignored it, and as a result me. Sarah didn’t let that slide. Ashlin assumed I meant sleep. No darling. I meant ALONE. Car time is not rest. But again, it turned out ok.
“I’m dreading the inevitable shutdown.” (December 18) Yayyyy it didn’t happen (yet) what a win (oh I’m sure it’s on its way.)
“I kept almost passing out, but I refused to say anything because they would have taken my ladder away. I was just happy to have a job.” (December 19) This is a continual issue. But there’s nothing much to be done. I’m properly hydrated. I didn’t say anything that day because I finally finally finally felt useful, and wanted to continue to be useful.
“I really hope this works out. I think it just might.” (December 19) My feelings about Cali Boy are so up and down, I don’t even know how to keep up. I do hope it works out. But I don’t know how sure I actually am that it will. All in Gods timing I suppose.
“We are going on Saturday. I either go or force someone who wants to go to stay with me. And we wont have a break for upwards of 10 more days. This is unbiblical. No rest is unbiblical. We need a Sabbath. I had a barely contained freak out. Whatever. Happens.” (December 19) It was made very clear that if I stayed back, whoever stayed back from our excursion would not be happy about it. I wasn’t going to ruin someone else’s day because of a maybe meltdown. This could pose an issue later on, but I don’t think it’s been huge yet.
“I’ve gotten weirdly bad at reading people” (December 19) This is true. maybe sleep deprivation skews other people too, and not just me. I mistook Sarah for being sad today. I thought Maddie was upset about our teaching stuff. I thought (think) ashlin is getting sick of me. It’s so confusing, because usually I can tell what people are feeling, at least to an extent, and now that ability is mysteriously vanished.
Accommodations don’t happen in the real world. I am setting myself up for failure.” (December 19) I ate with this line. Drew and Alyssa let me stay back from a few evening activities because of my attitude about using our rest day as not rest. I was grateful. Don’t get me wrong. But that won’t happen normally. I need to learn to deal with it. (It being myself. I guess.)
“I went into crisis mode. Tried to distract myself by making my bed. It didn’t work. Slowly the other thoughts took more and more control until an hour later, I was on my back on the blue mats, breathing shallowly, listening to music, trying to convince the Other that killing myself is not an option. My mindset was as follows. I cant even handle being a DTS student, so staff is for sure out, I’ll never have a stable job, a stable relationship, Cody probably wants to leave—> off myself. I laid trapped in that for…I’m not actually sure. Could have been 20 minutes. Could have been 2 hours.” (December 20) This was a more raw version of what you may have read on a previous blog post. Spirals. The way the attack started was handled much better than usual. I didn’t feed into it right away, I tried to distract myself. It’s not necessarily on me that it didn’t work. But if you were an outsider that night, and you observed my patterns, I think it would be clear that I was in fact spiraling. It showed in how I presented myself. Not just in my mind. The good news is it’s been quite a while since an attack that bad. They are few and far between.
“It felt like a whole movie scene while he sat in thought for a while, and I read my book to avoid eye contact. He didn’t mention it. Just asked if I really am more scared of other people getting sick over myself. Yes. He gave me a piece of bread so I wouldn’t, like, starve myself.” (December 21) I showed Trevor Spirals the day after it was written. He broke his phone, so while he read it off of mine, I had no choice but to just. Be in the moment. That is the first time that anyone has read my writing in front of me. I don’t have much to say beyond that.
“It’s a good thing Brooks stopped asking about if I ate today… its a good thing we left for lunch today or I would not have eaten anything outside of a banana and a piece of bread. I moved my rice around, eventually Trevor subtly switched plates with me.” (December 21) Good news, I’m eating. Bad news, it was suspiciously easy for me to slip into a disordered eating mindset, even though I’ve never had an ED in that way before. This shouldn’t mean anything, until someone else gets sick.
“Istg if this ends poorly. I will have the BIGGEST crashout.” (December 21) Cody.
“It’s too early to say I love you. But I think I may love this boy.” (December 22) Also Cody. And I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. I probably shouldn’t keep this in.
“Problem though, my bad mind has realized that skipping meals is easy and helps me feel better. This might go poorly. No eating disorder, please.” (December 22) See a bit above.
“If I hadn’t been having so much fun, I would have been overstimulated.” (December 22) This is the best possible outcome for Thailand Christmas parties, and I will be giving no further context.
“Good things don’t let the words come.” (December 22) I don’t write about the happy things most of the time. I’m better at observing those and not letting them stick too much.
“I haven’t slept alone in so long, I would be lonely.” (December 23) What am I going to do when I go home. I keep getting a picture of me walking back into my house for the first time, and then my room. I keep getting a picture of me slowly sinking to the floor and crying like I’ve never cried before. But I usually dismiss it, because I can’t be scared to leave. Not yet.
“One kid was the only one locked in. I think he was crying. I prayed so hard for him, he can’t leave it like this. He needs to take the step, but we didn’t have/make the room for it.” (December 24) We have the right motivation and reasons. We just are doing something wrong. I can’t necessarily put my finger to what (besides the fact that the biggest thing we were going to do was prioritize relationships, and most of us have not done that).
“I’m not ready for a relationship. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.” (December 25) This might me the most accurate Cody snippet. This one rings true all across the board.
Not a quote, just a random interjection. I saw a video today that said if the enemy can’t find a sin to exploit, he will attack your mind. And I think that is very true. The locked out stuff. The IMMENSE confusion about Cody. The hopelessness about the future that literally makes no sense.
“I can’t hear God right. So thats new. Does this inaccuracy mean everything I thought of as God is false? Do I believe deep down that God does exist for everyone else, just not for me?” (December 26) Everyone heard the same thing during intercession the other day EXCEPT for me. I heard something entirely different. And I was so sure. I haven’t expressed this particular thing to anyone, maybe because it just happened, and I was just now able to articulate the issue. But it is an issue.
Soundtrack: Healer Alone (Prince of Eden). The diner (Billie Eilish). In my room (Chance pena). The door (teddy swims). The wick (MBL worship). Where did you go (MIZ). Die alone (Phineas). Running (whatuprg). Brown eyes (re6ce). The earth sings worthy (Upperroom). Baseball interlude (kat hansen). Digital Silence (Peter Mcpoland). Istanbul not Constantinople (they might be giants). I kind of want to set the world on fire (Adain Cox). Still (Noah Kahan)
Rainy Ramblings 