I don’t know what is happening to me. I feel like I’m out of control, but only I notice it. I’m happy a lot, but the second I am without distraction, I am off. Sad? Anxious? Both? Some other, secret third thing? I’m off to the point that I can’t even pinpoint what exactly is wrong, just that something is.
I’m disinterested in a lot of things. Most things. The things that used to bring me the most joy simply don’t anymore. I haven’t picked up a book in weeks, my music is just for obligation, talking to people and hanging out with friends seems like too much work, even scrolling social media is unenjoyable.
I’ve had a lot of symptoms of depression, but never this one. I’m also missing a lot of the symptoms of depression that I tended to have when it was bad.
I didn’t quit my job. Even though it is maybe part of the reason for *this*. I reduced my hours. My mom told me that if I quit my job, no matter the reason, my father would kick me out of the house.
I’ve always hated my dad. And that is a terrible thing to say on so many fronts.
I even told my mom about what happened the first time, the long days of too much time to think, leading me to break. More. It wasn’t enough. My father doesn’t believe in mental illness. If he did, he’d be in therapy, and everyone would be a whole lot better off.
But maybe going from five days to three days a week will help. I guess I could alway quit later. If it gets too bad, I don’t think I’ll care if I get kicked out.
Camp has been. I thought it was the anger and bitterness towards Anna, Shawn, and Cheryl keeping me from God, but even after forgiving them, even after the anger went away, I’m still not ok.
I haven’t been intentional to anyone or anything. I was so excited for the impact I could have on kids’ lives this year, and I haven’t so much as talked to one camper one on one.
We were supposed to have a movie night tonight. It was my whole idea, keep Kami, Eden, Kreed, Jade from home, and we just watch movies, but I failed even that because I didn’t think ahead, and now Jade is playing the piano and everyone else is missing. Not the plan. Maybe they don’t care, but I do. I feel like a failure.
God is gone. Or I’m gone from Him. I thought that He was always speaking, and you could always hear if you just knew how to listen. I do know how to listen, but He isn’t here.
He isn’t here.
He hasn’t been in the worship I’ve led.
He hasn’t been in the community I’ve been a part of.
He hasn’t been in the devotionals that I have gone through.
He hasn’t been in my whispered prayers.
Or my journaled prayers.
Or my crying, confused, where did you go prayers.
Or my screaming, angry, where did you go prayers.
I know how to listen. I’ve tried to listen. He is not here.
Or I’ve lost Him. But if someone wants God that badly, surely they would have found their way back by now.
The reality that everyone that I know is some level of broken hit hard this week.
What do you mean, I struggle (sort of) secretly with depression, overthinking, anxiety, SH and suicidal thoughts when it gets too bad.
What do you mean, A broke down in front of everyone, able to cry for the first time in months, used music to drown out every thought because they were all negative until it all crashed.
What do you mean, E fell in love with a girl who only ever wanted her for the attention she was willing to give, and when she developed depression as a result of a chronic illness, the girl left her.
What do you mean, T’s dad has been dead for four years, and he still can’t cry more than a few times a year.
What do you mean, J was so seriously depressed that he failed his sophomore year of college.
What do you mean, W dropped out of college because his anxiety got so bad, and he wholly believes that he broken, and has given up on finding a truth to combat that.
What do you mean, L lost all of her closest friends and her church in the past year, and it eats her up inside.
What do you mean, N’s parents are getting divorced out of the blue, and in the midst of a terrible illness of her mother’s.
What do you mean, Na has had to hide her disapproval of her sister because Na is one of very few who know that her sister is pregnant, and is getting married to cover it up.
And those are just the ones that I’ve heard about.
It makes me feel less alone in my sadness, but more alone in my inability to do anything about it, let alone anyone else’s sadness.
The big thing right now is that I no longer know where I’m going. I can’t be a missionary if God is no longer present in my life. I can’t be a person without God.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where He went, why He left. But I will say, it’s been a while, and I’m only just now acknowledging it.
I don’t know how to word the absolute anguish that that is bringing me.
Along with everything else.
And I am faking it to everyone because if I wasn’t, they would be concerned. The last thing I want is to be a burden.
I am broken. That is the core belief that I’ve been believing. I’m supposed to find a truth to combat that, and I found one. I just don’t believe it.
Rainy Ramblings 