19

I’m 19

I should probably reflect on my year or something like that. It’s most certainly been one of those. I don’t know if any other year can ever top it, but you know me, I’ll certainly hope so. 

A year ago today, as the clock struck midnight, I was laying in a hammock where the slack line is now, hoping my screen time restrictions would be lifted, and hoping for happy birthday messages (most of which I did not get.)

I had to learn how to leave people gracefully at the end of camp for the first time, after having been around them for a month and having had the best month of my life up to that point. 

Romantic endeavors (or lack thereof). Man. There has been a whole lot of interesting tea in that department. I guess chronological order is the best for reflecting on the past year of my life, so I’ll try it that way until I deem it boring. At this point last year, I was crushing hard on Jade, knew he didn’t like me back, and didn’t know what to do about it. (Now, we’re slightly friends, but no more than that, and I am glad.) There was a situationship type stint with Judah; another thing I’m glad didn’t work out. It taught me some things. Trevor was a big deal to me, and it was different than anything else, simply due to being around each other for hours a day, every day, for six months. We too are just friends, and it is working out just fine, outside of the fact that long distance friendships are the absolute worst. Cody was a whole thing, and I don’t really want to reflect on that; I regret just about all of it. MORGAN OH MY GOSH. Bethany tried to set me up with her friend from Wichita and it was so incredibly awkward, I blocked it from my mind until now. And coming back to camp, my silly, lonely soul tried to bring back my past camp ways of choosing a boy and following him. It didn’t work. So, all that being said, I am single, incredibly more content about it than I was on my 18th birthday (although I wouldn’t pass up a man, lets be so for real), and while I wouldn’t say I entirely trust God’s timing, I am starting to. Yay. Growth and all that. 

The Wam of Y. That was a little under half of my year, and it changed my life. I’m done grieving those memories and people. It only took me four months. Anyway. Ywam changed a lot for me. I am no longer scared of leaving. I have found that I am built for beautiful, but short term friendships. God has shown me how much bigger the world is than I had ever imagined. I’ve given and experienced love beyond anything ever before. Learned a lot, did a lot of cool things, met a lot of cool people, and ultimately, people are tired of hearing about YWAM, so I’ll end this one here. 

In between time on both ends. Those three month gaps killed me both times. (EKC to YWAM, and YWAM to EKC). Less so the first time, I just let the fear of leaving fester. The second time, I let the grief of leaving fester, and turns out that grief is more detrimental than fear, at least in my case. Those months will be remembered for their less bright aspects. 

Friendships. Long distance friendships are the worst, I hate them so much, and none of the people that I was closest to last year at this time even talk to me anymore. The friendships I got to be a part of at YWAM were literally indescribable, and camp friendships spring up just as quickly. I am so immensely grateful for everyone that I got the chance to love this year. 

God. While He and I may not be doing stellar right now, I can confidently say that the closest I have ever been to Him was in this past year. I know that this stagnant season will end soon enough, and I am so excited to continue to learn how to walk with YHWH. 

My mental stuffs. Still mental. Not much has changed. I’ve found writing to be a coping mechanism. Healthy, probably not. But it does work better than other things I’ve tried. I’ve stopped looking for a label or diagnosis. It doesn’t matter to me. I still tend to follow the thought spirals all the way down, but sometimes I can catch them before they actually start to spiral. There has been a lot of growth in this area of my life, but I’m still a broken person with a broken brain, a year of life won’t magically take that away. 

How I have changed. My hair is long again, after having cut it all off. I write, a lot. I’ve gotten a lot more bold. I have an affinity for Thai food. I’m sort of an extrovert (what. Who is she). It’s really hard for me to point out ways that I’ve changed, but if other people did it, I would be able to see it. I work in the immediates, so personal change typically goes unnoticed. 

Where I am now. I am at EKC, in an RV, writing about my past year. I am going home in a few days, back to a job I have grown to hate, and then to Washington for another program. 

How I wish I had grown. I wish I was steady with God, and not still so up and down. I wish I didn’t still want a boyfriend. I wish that I didn’t get on my phone so much. And I wish I had learned how to talk to people well. 

How I hope to grow. This year, I am going to a school that will teach me how to be a leader in missions. That is obviously a goal. Everything above also transfers to this. I hope I can leave YWAM in March ‘26 more gracefully than last time. I hope I can gain responsibility and act adult-y. 

Not as poetic as I’d hoped. I’m tired. It’s been a day. But I’ll read this next year, wherever I am, and get all nostalgic, I’m sure.  

Soundtrack: Getting Older (Billie Eilish) Sign of the Times (Harry Styles) The Weather-Too Tired to Cry (David Wimbish and the Collection) Freakin Out on the Interstate (Briston Maroney) C U (Benee)