I Am Not Allowed To Be Upset

I am not allowed to be upset I am not allowed to be upset I am not allowed to be upset I am not allowed to be upset I am not allowed to be upset. 

I am not allowed to be upset. 

But I am. 

But I shouldn’t be. 

The fact that I am proves that I am not a good friend, follower of Christ, person. 

I am not allowed to be upset. 

I am not allowed to be upset. 

And with that one, my anger switched to tears. 

It usually does. 

My anger exists to mask pain, and nothing else. 

I am not allowed to be upset. 

Anything I write will seem pathetic. 

Pathetic pathetic pathetic. 

I am. 

Why didn’t I see it. Why didn’t I know it was coming? Why would I have had the audacity to think that someone like him could have liked someone like me? 

Me, when She is right there, so perfect, so everything that I want to be and am not. 

I didn’t even really like him. 

I think I just hoped that someone would maybe finally find me worthy of liking. 

Wrong again. 

And I was just saying I was content. Ish. Content-ish. 

Clearly that was a lie. 

Maybe I knew the whole time, and just didn’t want to. 

I don’t think so though. 

Why do I allow this to define my self worth? 

Because people’s opinions of me are tangible, and their affection felt and not just guessed at. 

I am a terrible person for being sad. I’m angry at myself, of course, not at anyone else. Just myself, for thinking I was ever ok enough to have a chance at the love I so desire. 

I am sad for myself. The intellectual part of me knows why this hurts and what this will do to me. But that part of me also knows that it is a terrible terrible thing to be upset. 

I think I am not the only one upset about this turn of events. 

But I think I will be the only one to handle it so poorly. 

This is not ok. I am called to be there for my friends, and celebrate with them. 

We all know my history of being a bad friend. 

I am not ok, and I never will be. 

But no one shall know. 

After all. 

I am not allowed to be upset.