Fourth of July was sad this year. I got used to the rhythms that came with this day. Going to my grandparents, having a puzzle contest then going to parades with my mom and sister, then doing random things outside until it was dark enough we could reasonably launch fireworks.
My mom and sister weren’t here this year, and my extended family didn’t show up. Fireworks weren’t bought.
Granted, I was being mopey for no reason, so I’m sure that made it worse.
Another family tradition, known as Looking, involves illegally going into the nearby lake after sunset on the third to search for disc golf discs to resell. We go on the third because there’ll be fireworks to watch while we hunt. This year, the fireworks were few and far between. Hardly any discs in the water, and I simply don’t enjoy it anymore.
How is it that something that I used to look forward to for the entire year became something I only did to make my dad happy?
What is happening to me?
Maybe if I stopped feeding into the belief that there is something wrong, I would stop believing it.
I finished reading The Kite Runner today. A truly horrifying book. It left me feeling sick.
It also strangely gave me a renewed longing for Thailand, and a renewed anger at the social constructs here.
I miss Thailand, but really I miss the people I was with.
I’m angry at the people here for calling huge houses with massive yards a middle class thing, but really I’m angry at the fact that I didn’t realize how much I really have until I left it.
***
How would it feel to be someone’s first choice? I’m not even talking romance, just in general.
Maybe not even first choice. I have written about this recently. I remember that now.
Maybe I want someone to make an effort to keep our friendship alive.
All my friends are long distance, and it feels like I am the only one who ever reaches out to any of them. And sometimes, not even that works at keeping friendship alive.
The EKC group chat is a barren wasteland. This is about a week before that usually happens.
My best friend from camp hasn’t texted me once.
Though, I haven’t texted her either.
My last three messages to Ashlin are left unread.
I wish so badly sometimes that I was capable of letting people go gracefully. But I’m not. Either you don’t leave, you fade, or you go out with an awful burning.
This isn’t what’s wrong. I’m not sure what is.
Probably just now crashing from camp.
I think I will always be this way. Every time I start to think that maybe I’m getting to the point that I can say I am not broken, it feels like this again.
It’s probably nothing. After all, I am just a teenage girl, always been moody.
As a kid, I thought depression and anxiety were the stupidest things ever. Just be happy. Just don’t be scared.
I used to want to be a kid again, so severely that I refused to grow up.
I bet I’m a few years behind because of that.
Ok this is stupid. I can’t post this. None of it is what I want to say. I don’t know what I want to say. I don’t know why I’m writing.
I miss the people that love me. Strangely, it’s not the people I would think of first that are flickering in my mind. Cheryl. Kami. Trevor (though I feel that one could be guessed). Cheryl especially. What is even happening? Am I spiraling?
I can’t be spiraling, I have to help my friends.
The fact that E could give me solid life advice, well worded and what I needed to hear in one breath, and tell me about a suicide attempt in the next.
I’m not that ill. But I still can’t help or even be there for the people that need it. Her. Others.
Ok. No more pity party.
I like summer.
June has always felt green (restful, my favorite) whereas July is red (vibrant but overstimulating).
Um.
I’m back at North Cascades in 82 days. Ashlin only talks to me through Matthew’s Snapchat. And that is max once ever few weeks. After the game night with Jade and Nay, no one camp side has said a word. I deleted my one method of talking to JT. My mom talks to Trevor more than I do and while I joke about it being weird, it’s more to mask the unexplained hurt.
I think my almost loneliness is self inflicted in a way, and that’s why it’s an almost.
I’ll quit rambling.
Probably read this again in the morning and not understand half of it.
Why did I cry while writing this?
I’m ok, I am literally so blessed.
I think I have forgotten God.
And I don’t know how to get back.
Rainy Ramblings 