Continuation

I don’t know why I’m here, writing again. 

I had it all processed and thought out and through and over. 

It’s a lot of little things, really. 

He’s pretending nothing is wrong in the Thailand group chat, but only to an extent. 

I found out that he’s still having full conversations with my mom. 

The stupid new episode of The Summer I Turned Pretty with its unexpected parallels. 

Finally finishing my DTS journal, and seeing him test the friendship boundaries: playing with my hair and things like that. Ashlin even warned me that doing those things when I knew he didn’t like me would hurt, but I insisted that it wouldn’t. I had been right, until this. 

Realizing how many things I want to ask him about. How is STS? Did he go see Christina? How is she? Does he have any new plans for the future now? I even sent him a Marco Polo of a storm the other day without realizing what I had done. 

It’s taking me longer to read the Bible than I thought it would, and I know that is probably all within God’s timing, but why why WHY couldn’t things speed up, or better yet, go backwards. 

Calling Maddie today. I told her the whole sorry story without even an ounce of emotion. 

So why am I crying now?

The time is stretching. 

I’ve always said that time is my worst enemy. I wonder if I would have been better or worse off if I had known the date of this ending. 

Probably worse. 

Maybe worse. 

Reading the Bible at relatively fast speeds is ok. Finished Ezekiel, what an odd book. 

I haven’t let myself think about what happens if I reach out at the end of the book, and he doesn’t respond. 

I swear, my life doesn’t revolve around him. It looks like it, but it’s not the case. 

When someone introduces you to the language of poetry and then leaves, all that’s left are the words. 

Forgiveness may be a theme of my growth at Advance. Charlie. Dan. Mama Sarah even. Anyone else that knew maybe. They have nothing to be sorry about, but of course these thoughts are common I think. 

This post is different, as proven by the topics, writing style. 

It’s no longer written with the faint hope that he’ll read it. Because he won’t. 

Wow that sucks. 

Yay growth we love hard times and trials yay we love hurt for the sake of personality progression yay I’ll be a new and improved person after this!

A person with higher and more impenetrable walls and more severe abandonment issues. 

I really thought that I would find more comfort in the Bible.