Aftershocks.

A lot of things hit today that hadn’t hit yet. 

I had been inadvertently thinking that when I finish the Bible, and as a result, reach out to him again, everything will go back to the way it was before all of this. 

I know that isn’t true. But I’d let myself believe it until this morning. 

I proceeded to stop reading entirely. 

My mind works in extremes. So if I know that it won’t go back to normal, than the other option is that I reach out again, and Trevor says that we can’t talk or be friends. Or worse, doesn’t say anything at all. 

I know that likely won’t happen either, but I’m more scared of the no than I am hopeful for the yes. 

I can’t even write about the phone call. 

I asked Mama Sarah if she had told him to stop talking to me. 

No. 

But she didn’t tell him not to. 

Not that big of a deal. She listened to him, and I would expect nothing less. 

She said he cares/d for me so so much. That makes it worse. All the care in the world wasn’t enough to get him to stay.  That makes it better. The choice wasn’t some easy thing that he didn’t have to think and pray about. It was hard for him too. 

I was perfectly all right for the past week or so. 

I couldn’t tell you why today is any different. 

I think I’ve lost my hope, and I can’t help but feel that that was his desired outcome. 

Maybe I think too little of him. 

Ugh I don’t even know what I’m saying. 

I am in pain after a week of thinking I was healed. 

I miss my best friend, and the lack of friends of any kind, interaction with people of any kind this past week has turned that missing into a poison tipped dagger, hurting me once, and then again as it seeps into my system. 

I want to reach out as soon as possible, hence me reading over 15 percent of the Bible in two days. 

I think I’m scared. 

Another part of me thinks that maybe Trevor never expected me to actually go with this whole no talking plan so easily. 

I didn’t think I would. 

I can not talk to him, but I can’t seem to stay away from his blog. I know he can see when I’m on it, for how long, what links I click. he was going to write every day of STS, but when all of this happened, he stopped abruptly. That I can positively say was a direct result of me. 

I don’t know what to write. Maybe I stop it here. 

I have a lot I need to think about, insight from that phone call, Dan’s denial of involvement. 

Ultimately, I miss my best friend, I can’t call him my best friend, or even a friend anymore, that is a wound that cuts deeper than anything, and I have to pretend like it’s not there, like I don’t secretly hope he’ll change his mind and message. 

I’ll get over it, I always do.