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“Do you think that you have to have “butterflies” over a person to have romantic interest in them?” 

Asked by me, to Google and to Trevor. Answered by…me. Maybe. 

I used to think yes. I maybe still do, but I don’t think that I am correct in thinking so. All of the people that I’ve liked in the past, I’ve gotten “butterflies” over. If you don’t know what I mean by that, it’s just a special brand of giddy anxiety that manifests in your stomach. I am all too familiar. And I hate the feeling. But it’s a pretty good indicator of if what I’m feeling is romantic or not. Or so I thought. 

Google had mixed results. Redditors from across the globe like to argue this topic, although it is up for debate if Redditors even know what romance is. That’s a topic for another time. Sorry if anyone that reads this is a Redditor. Maybe just stop. Anyway. Thats not what I’m here to process. Only one article stuck out to me. Psychology today says “Not feeling butterflies can be a good thing. Here’s the thing: Not feeling that particular butterfly brand of anxiety when meeting a potential life partner isn’t always a bad sign. In fact, for many, it could be exactly what the doctor ordered.” 

I’ve thought similar things for a while. But thought about in the way that doesn’t apply to me. There’s a semi popular Tumblr post (wow I’m dragging out ALL of the cringy social media sites) that talks about love as a feeling or a choice. And love being a choice is Biblical. It’s even societal to an extent. (Most of the time, not. But people at the very least treat it like a novel idea that they would consider in another lifetime.) I’ve been asked my thoughts on this matter a few times in my short life. And I’ve always answered the standard “it’s a choice!!!! If you don’t choose to love someone, than its not love, its lust!!” Which is true. I verbalized that particular statement better a few months ago during Lecture Phase, but I don’t really feel like trying to go back and find it. Anyway. It is true, I know it to be true. Logically. But I’m not a very logical person. Oh sure, I pretend to be. But I am very much led by emotion. So I didn’t actually believe my own knowledge. 

Now. The whole reason I’m writing. And also just a reminder that I promised to overshare an obnoxious amount on this page, so reiterating that caution sign. Cody. My California Boy. I keep saying “I think I like him”. Why can’t I be confident in that? Because this feels different. Usually when I like people, it’s wildly different (usually they aren’t in the business of liking me back, so thats already a big difference.) Usually I feel butterflies. 10 billion times more nervous. Infatuation.    Stop.  As I write this, I’m coming to realize that if that is what I classify as love, I had willing chosen to doom the narrative. That simply isn’t correct (here’s the real reason I write. Processing goes crazy.) I don’t feel butterflies for Cody most of the time. Sometimes I do. It’s more a matter of situation. I’m not necessarily infatuated. I’m interested, and want to pursue. But he doesn’t consume my every waking moment. (Outreach could have something to do with that.) That’s good. Right? (Of course it is. This is starting in a more healthy way than anything in the past ever has.) Right???? (Most marriages end because they lost their “spark”. They lost their butterfly feeling. Since I at least am not building this relationship on butterflies, then the absence of those later on down the road shouldn’t affect much.)

Maybe I know it’s healthier to go this way. But the intrusive thoughts that maybe I just like him because he likes me, or I like the attention, or I’m using him to get over other people, or just plain using him-or something like that-will not go away. At the present, I will continue to do what we are doing. Calling almost every day, texting a lot. Getting to know each other. Why should I want to conform to how society says a relationship should feel and progress? I don’t like conforming for most other things, might as well continue on with that trend. Besides, we both said we need to mature a bit. That gives me time.

Sorry, this might be the most confusing post I’ve written, it was mainly just much needed processing that I tried to turn poetic. I likely failed. I’ve been meaning to write about this for a few days. I have other things I could write about. But they’re all even more confusing than this. 

Songs listened to, but I forgot about this until halfway through. Headlock (Imogen Head). In our talons (bowerbirds). The Beginning acoustic (flawed mangos)