October was an objectively bad month. I was at probably the worst mentally that I had been the whole year. But it was still fantastic in so many ways. Here is what I put on Facebook:
The first full month at YWAM brought a lot of new experiences, most of them good. I slowly started to settle into the rhythm of life on the base, with regular worship and prayer meetings, 5 hours of lectures Monday through Thursday, adventures on Friday, and free time on the weekends. We got involved in WeCare, a sort of thrift store based out of Bellingham, that focuses on reaching the large unhoused community there. We fairly regularly would help sort clothes and assist with other odd jobs around the store. In chronological order (because I’m not sure how else to write this) within the month of October. A lot of people got sick, this started day one of DTS and did not end until Outreach, over two months later. It was mostly just mild colds, but that’s what happens when you share a room with 12-13 other people. Lots and lots of lectures, all very interesting. On Wednesday nights, we would go to a nearby church and help wrangle hundreds of children to teach them about Jesus. We found out Outreach locations (Thailand and Cambodia), and a few weeks later, we found out teams for those Outreaches. A few hikes (Deception pass: a 3 ish mile hike on the coast of Washington. Coleman Glacier: a 6 mile hike up to the glacier, with a lot of waterfall crossings. Racehorse falls: a short hike to a massive waterfall, with camping at the Farm afterwards. Around Mt. Baker with the whole school, hiking up to a hill and then playing worship music.) I left the country for the first time (Canada is boring.) God brought up a lot of things for me to work on, and I was in a fantastic place to work through those things. A cold after dark polar plunge in the ocean. I went to a rock climbing gym for the first time and immediately got addicted (why is rock climbing so expensive?) Lots of prep for Outreach, bonding with my team mates. Making friends didn’t come easy at first, but that changed pretty quick. I visited Pike Place in Seattle, a market with hundreds of different stalls. I avoided buying anything, but it was fun to walk around. I got very well acquainted with the nearby coffee shops, finding a favorite drink at each shop and sticking to it. We met the newly returned from Outreach June DTS, but didn’t warm up to them until November. I rediscovered my love for roller blading. The Barista team created a coffee cart (over the span of the whole DTS) and got to serve coffee to us for a few Monday morning coffee house worship times. We had some amazing speakers, and some speakers that caused me to spend more intentional time with God to figure out what the truth really is. I cut all of my hair off on a whim. There was a pumpkin patch excursion with all of the girls. I got to learn how to run sound for Adventure Club (the Wednesday thing). A great many Phineas and Ferb nights, in which chaos typically ensued. A halloween just dance party (I lost), and a Spirit week (although that bled into November. Friendships grew and thrived, but I did promise to save that for another post. October was a roller coaster month, not all bad, but not all good. Regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
As shown, I only hinted at any of the interesting things that had been happening in my mind. In reality, I actually ended up starting this blog and using it as a questionable coping mechanism because of how bad my mental state was.
People kept getting sick. It was only colds for the most part, but the coughing drove me mad, and the amount of sleep I lost because people around me were coughing is probably part of the reason that my thoughts were as stormy as they were.
I was already fighting internally about me feelings for Trevor. When I like someone, it gets obsessive very rapidly, and as of now, I haven’t found any way around that. Believe me, I have tried. So weird attempts to get him to notice me and also to get him to ignore me were a confusing mess. That is the reason this blog started. I am glad for that though. I wonder where I would be had I not started this page. I wouldn’t have had an outlet, and the people who helped me the most may not have noticed how much I was struggling.
The first Wednesday of Adventure Club was really bad. I was overstimulated and depressed, but supposed to be putting on a good face for the kids. I am so happy that it got better, but the first two weeks were rough. I came into DTS hating kids, and I had to work through that on top of everything else.
I found out about Trevor’s dad in this month, and it took me a long time to know how to react to the comments and jokes he makes.
I think this is a lot less processing. Maybe because a lot of this has already been processed, via blog, when it was happening.
Outreach locations were announced. It’s wild to me that I’m not only back from outreach, but back from everything. That day still feels so potent. It was cool, having a piece of information that only YHWH and I knew (I was going to Thailand). I had no idea what Outreach was going to look like, or who was going to be on my team. The next few weeks were a wacky blur of people trying to get others to tell them where they wanted to go. Some were more open about it than others. JT wouldn’t tell anyone. I told everyone. Charlie wasn’t going to tell anyone, but I had overheard him, so I knew where he was going. The mystery was pretty fun, I must admit. It’s still hard to believe that I was in Southeast Asia.
The first hike we went on. I have conflicting feelings about that day. On the one hand, no one talked to me. I hiked in the back, alone, observing. I was alone even while surrounded by people. On the other hand, I had been waiting to see where the oceans and mountains met for years, and getting to finally do that was a moment that I’ll never forget. I just wish that I had come out of my shell a bit more so I could have shared the moment with friends. I also thought Alyssa hated me because she had to tell me to wear shoes. That took over a week to get over, simply because I assumed that she thought of me as childish.
Going to Canada. That day marked a massive shift. I discovered Trevor’s blog and proceeded to read the whole thing. I also was not interacted with much on that trip, even though there were only five of us. That was my own doing. I am far past it enough to be able to say that. I chose to feed into my grumpiness and overstimulation. I made the first draft of this page upon returning to the Base. And the people that I secretly hoped would read it, did.
The polar plunge. Another case of avoidable isolation. There is a picture of all of us who went to the ocean, and everyone is in a big huddle, but I am standing alone off to the side. I had had a good time, but then looking through pictures when I got back led to me seeing that night in a new light. I was not subtle with how I was feeling, posting it on various social media platforms. I think it was a cry for attention, or for friendship, or something. Contrary to the isolation from the hike in September, I can’t feel these emotions, likely because I had processed them.
I got left behind from rock climbing. This hurt me in a big way, even though it too was avoidable. This also happened so many times, I am not going to bother mentioning it more than once, because the whole post would be about that. The crew was constantly Milana, Charlie, and Naomi, with Trevor usually tagging along. I went climbing three times, but was left behind at least eight. I fear I was not loud enough about anything for my desire to go to have been noticed.
I also for the first time, intentionally went away and prayed, with the hope of hearing YHWH’s voice. And I did. If I had done this every time I had felt bad, I may have had a better month.
That one hike to the glacier. That day was fantastic. The hike was fairly difficult, but amazing the whole way up, and we were allowed to go our own speeds (within reason). I befriended Trevor that day (although even that comes with its own sick twist) and interacted with everyone. I started to emerge from my hand crafted shell. Trevor and I talked the whole way down the mountain. Although a few weeks later, by my own invasive snooping, I found out that the whole thing had been planned. This caused another downward spiral, because oh no if this friendship is fake, then all of them are, why did he plan the talk with someone else, the girl he likes no less, blah blah blah blahhhh. It gets tiring, hearing my thoughts all the time. It was never that serious, but I treated it as such.
Seattle and Pike Place. Joyelle left no shot unfired when she was talking to me, but it was in a good way. She helped me see my mindset from the outside, and it made me reevaluate. That was also the day I found out that she was leaving. I’m glad I got to spend that day with her, because it made me appreciate her a bit more before she left.
We started a tradition of watching Phineas and Ferb. The usual offenders were me, Faith, Ashlin, Trevor, JT, and Matthew. That was peak. I loved those nights, of goofing off, growing closer.
I had a thing about physical touch for a while. I desperately wanted it, and yet I was terrified to initiate it. So I didn’t. I stayed touch starved for a while. This changed while on Outreach, as I grew closer to everyone on my team, but I fear that that ease is gone with the people. I’m once again touch starved, and though my mom tries, it’s different when it’s someone who doesn’t want to hug you.
Teams were announced, and I was giddy. It wasn’t my ideal team, but now that I have hindsight, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I had been praying that Trevor wouldn’t be on my team, and when he was, I figured that God would take care of the tricky feelings I had, and let them go. It worked out well. Mama Sarah was a wild card, as well as JT, as I had no idea where either of them had wanted to go, and Trevor had explicitly stated that he wanted to go to Cambodia. (One of the main reasons for that being getting away from me, but I didn’t find that out until we were actually good friends, so it’s just a funny additional piece of context now).
Camping was garbage. I isolated again, it was cold and rainy, and I got sick halfway through the night. I would not do that again if given the chance.
June DTS returned late one Saturday night. Makayla and Jess came in sick, so I hated them for a while. (This actually makes me feel so terrible to think about now). I didn’t like any of them, and neither did the rest of us. We watched them all walk in, and then the whole school retreated to the green room to get away from them. Milana was the first to really get to know them, and I branded her a traitor. I honestly can’t believe how mean I was to them. I regret that a lot. I didn’t get to know Luca at all because of it. I barely knew Obi, Joe, or Makayla. Jess and I could have been so much closer. The Cody arc would have likely been a lot different if I had chosen to get to know him sooner. Talking to the others later, I am not the only one who regrets how I treated them.
Their return caused a pit of hatred towards Ella that I can’t explain. It didn’t go away until Outreach. I can confidently say, I did at least try to make that feeling go away. It wouldn’t. Perhaps it was spiritual warfare, perhaps it was me being a not good person. Maybe both. I regret that too.
Mary Margaret as a speaker. Wow. That was the first instance I had to disagree with a speaker. I did not do what I could have with her. I could have chosen to listen and then go to God. Instead I chose to critique and go to God. Not the worst outcome, honestly. She seemed genuinely like a kind person, but my distrust tainted her presence.
I cut off all my hair, and that led to some of the worst body image issues that I have had in years. Most of those left, but a few still linger.
“I can’t do being cared for. It creeps me out.” Real. Past Kiah knew some things.
Ellie, Trevor, and I always seemed to be getting into some kind of trouble. We went off alone on a hike and climbed trees to scare the rest of the group, only to find out that they took a different trail. That was fun.
The halloween dance party would have been great had Alyssa F not bailed on being my dance partner. As it was, the pictures from that night have not been looked at because they still bring up a weird bit of unprocessed hurt.
I brought up what my snooping had discovered to Trevor. He handled it better than I deserved.
I didn’t process any of that. I should probably redo this post or something.
This wasn’t very eloquent. I still can’t bring myself to do more than skim my journal. When I do actually read it, years down the road, maybe I’ll be more prepared.
Rainy Ramblings 