Actually processing September

What I wrote for Facebook and the normal public: September

I wasn’t in Washington for very long in September, just a week, but it was an incredible week nonetheless. Early on the 25th, my mom, grandma, and I all caught a flight to Seattle. It was my first time in the Pacific Northwest, and minus a grumpy lady in the airport and my own nerves, it was a good first impression. We got to Lynden the day before my DTS was to start, so we chose to explore the town and the area around it. Lynden is a short drive from the ocean, a shorter drive from Canada, and a longer drive to the mountains. On a good day (no clouds), you can see Mount Baker jutting up over the horizon, the peak white with a year round snow. We located the Base, on Front Street, home to at least three coffee shops, and an overwhelming Hallmark feel. The next day, I went to the Base around three, awkward and scared. I got a quick tour from my school leader (Sarah Ba.) and started to unpack. I hid with my family in the dorm room, with bunks that tower all the way to the ceiling, until it was time for dinner. The building is actually attached to a much larger structure: a mall. The upstairs has the common room and the girls dorm, and if you follow the sidewalk to a door on the wall a ways, you’ll find the Green room and the office. The boys dorm is a walk in the other direction, up some stairs. Dinner was in the green room. After my family left, I remember thinking to myself that I would thrive in this place. I am happy to say that I was correct. The following week passed in a confusing Big New Things blur. Meeting dozens of people (they will get their own post later), experiencing my first Worship and Intercession, exploring the town in a weird sort of scavenger hunt, getting ice cream, saying goodbye to my family, going to the theatre with Ellie and Trevor, going to church at a place I very quickly came to love, going hiking at Mama Sarah’s house on the outskirts of a nearby city: Bellingham, sat through my first lecture and having my mind blown every few minutes, and more than a few spontaneous worship sets. Within a week, I felt as close to these people as I have to my closest friends in Kansas.

Here is me now, finally attempting to think about that first week, process it, understand who I was at the time, all of that fun stuff. I think I’ll be pretty open (translation: oversharing) with these, because I, for the first time since this whole blog started, am finally writing just to the void. 

Before leaving: I’ve told the story time and time again, of the last night in my room, crying but also knowing that I would likely be even more devastated when I returned. And I was right. I know myself well. All of my stuff packed to go, in one suitcase and one backpack. My room clean, my family asleep, I was faced with my fears. I never thought that I would actually be leaving. Sure, I talked about it a lot, when people wanted to know where a bright young woman like me was going to college, I had to watch their faces falter as I told them I wasn’t going to a college at all. I had talked with Brooks and Julie a lot about the possibility of it being bad, and knew that it was only six months; I can do anything for six months. I’d left my job, more tearfully than I had expected. I had said my goodbyes. Hugging Brooks, for the first time ever. Our many years of friendship didn’t have much in the way of physical touch. For a few days after that goodbye, I teared up any time I thought of it. I had a going away party, a lot of my camp friends made “we love Kiah” instagram stories, “its not goodbye, just see you later” with Noah Kahan (You’re Gonna Go Far) playing in the background. My family had one last big outing, and while there, I was added to a September DTS group chat. I looked everyone up by area code, so I knew where people were from, but I didn’t know anyone’s names. And then, with a quick stop at a cross country meet to say goodbye to most of my family, my mom and I headed down to Wichita to catch a red eye flight to Seattle. We had a connection in Denver, so the whole first flight was spent listening to sad music and watching the sunrise. The second flight was less sad and more exciting, as I had never been to this part of the country before. We landed in Seattle, grabbed bags, grabbed our rental car, and drove the two hours to Lynden. It was raining the whole way. I stalked the Lynden neighbors page to see the best places to eat and any information about YWAM. We stopped at the ocean, the cold and rainy weather reflective of my mood. We drove to the Bellingham base and my mom attempted to walk in. That was mortifying. I wanted to go home. Instead, I was forced to walk around Front Street to explore. People stared and followed me with their eyes, or at least it felt like it. We walked to the YWAM building, my mom seeing someone (now I know it was Dan) on a couch and wanting to go inside. I refused. We went to an Airbnb a few blocks away, and I was unsuccessfully avoiding thinking about how the next night would be spent with complete strangers. 

Arrival day: I got up, and tried to convince my mom that I should just stay in the house until it was time to go. That was considered not an option, so we headed to Woods. This was my first time at this coffee shop, and kick started my addiction for the rest of the DTS. We also drove down to Birch Bay to see the ocean, and to Fairhaven to walk around and pretend to be locals. A lot of driving around, until after lunch, when I put my foot down and went back to the house to rot on the couch and avoid thinking about leaving. As the group chat started flooding with “I’m here!”s from the rest of the students, I stood up, announced that I would go, and grabbed all of my stuff to load into the car. We went, got a tour by Sarah Ba. In the green room, all of the boys were sitting in the couch square, and I was jealous that they were all friends already. My bed was next to Ashlin (who arrived late) and Jemima (who scared me.) I unpacked and then refused to leave until it was dinner time. Dinner was terrifying. I was by Milana and Drew, but didn’t really talk to anyone. My mom introduced me, because she misunderstood Tommy’s instructions, and I wanted to leave. Again. We helped clean up the green room, and mom left. I thought to myself that I would thrive, but also didn’t think it would happen quick. Ashlin showed up, and my one thought about her was that she was too loud. We had a girls meeting facilitated by Ella in the dorm, and I gravitated to Ellie, as she was already comfortable around us. Then bed. I was scared to move. 

Next day: met Cameron. Had worship time, and didn’t know most of the songs. I stood there unmoving for the most part. I people watched, and my first impression of Trevor was that he didn’t want to be there. He had a posture of arrogant indifference, so I will argue that my impression wasn’t unreasonable. I felt pretty isolated, right off the bat (which is to be expected, I don’t know what I was expecting.) Speed relating. Right before that, I distinctly remember pondering who I would have a crush on. (I know myself so well). I thought that Charlie and Trevor were good candidates, and then later, when I found out that Charlie is 8 years older than me, it was… downhill from there. Speed relating was a lot of information with very little time to think about it. That is how I found out that Trevor was emetophobic and Jaque wasn’t 100% fluent in English. After, the girls stayed down and listened to Ellie talk about pooping for 20 minutes. The boys invited us to go to the river with them, we couldn’t because we had another orientation thing. After the orientation thing, we went down to the river, and I was looking for Trevor. (I brought that crush upon myself I fear.) I walked over to see my Mom, and truly thought that I would get in trouble for leaving without asking. Once I realized that we could basically do anything we wanted (within reason), I realized how strict my home life was. It was hard to adjust to not having to ask to go places, and also difficult to adjust to the reverse being back home. We went to an ice cream place, Drew bought me ice cream, I didn’t talk to anyone. 

Next day: official goodbye to my mom, with no tears to be found. We went to Bertheson park, and the trees were so incredibly tall, I couldn’t stop looking up. It was cold and rainy and beautiful. I got into a few embarrassing situations and gaslit myself into thinking that I wasn’t embarrassed. I am over processing. Let me cut it back some. The Dutch Rally made me love love love Ellie, and realize that not everyone has a fear of man like I do. The Hunchback of Notre Dame with Ellie and Trevor was the highlight of arrival week. The show was fantastic, and I was with new friends. (Trevor shared his apple juice, but later told me he threw the whole thing away because germs. So incredibly relatable, I fear.) We were all comfortable around each other, in the process of delicately building relationships. 

Next day: church! New song church may have been the best thing that ever happened in my church going history. I still watch online. The sermons somehow always related to what I was pondering, the music was perfect, and it helped me get comfortable with other students (JT and Jemima). We hiked at Mama Sarah’s house, I purposely isolated. I honestly don’t know if it was because I actually wanted to be alone or because I thought that people would exclude me if I tried to join. Maybe a mix of both. That day was the first day I can remember thinking that I was on the outside.  Ashlin took a group picture and I wasn’t in it because I was walking to join and they had already scattered. My isolation on the way back down was a result of that. I did yap with Ellie a lot, but she eventually slowed down to talk with Ashlin, and I was alone. I didn’t write that in my journal, the only reason I remember it is because as I was writing, I could feel the emotions I felt in some of those moments. They hurt. But they are also bittersweet because I know now that it did get better. This day was the first day I acknowledged potential feelings for Trevor. 

The next day: first real worship and prayer time, and God wasted no time at all bringing up things He wanted to walk through with me. We started off strong with my doubts about His existence. They seemed so big then, but now, I’ve found ways around them. I have changed more than I thought. 

I thought I knew these people so well by the end of September. I was wrong. It hurts to think about. We don’t know each other anymore. (This is more what I need to process). The intimacy I had with these people is gone as quickly as it arose. Ashlin and I haven’t talked one on one. At all. I miss Maddie’s hugs. We have talked one on one, but not much. Trevor really only talks to me if it’s about cars, so I fear as soon as I find a car, he’ll disappear again. Jt and I communicate in memes and nothing else. Dan checks in on occasion, but I’m never honest. Thailand had a team time, and I wasn’t honest there either. The girls FaceTimed yesterday, and I didn’t speak. I miss them all so much. Ok thats all.