Once again, not really feeling sad, just feeling weird. Off. I think it could be because of how much time I spent on my phone today, or something else entirely, I’m not really sure.
A venomous spider just crawled across my bed, and now I won’t be able to sleep without seeing its horrifying legs when I close my eyes. I stomped on it with my combat boots until it died and then some, so it worked out. But there could be more.
Anyway. Off. Bleh. Work, but not really?
I have 17 days until camp. I am nowhere near ready to be back in that sort of community again. I’ve worked myself into isolation, and pretend to be connected because I text people. When I get this far into being alone, it’s hard for me to want to be a part of community. Or I’m scared, something like that. I also know that I will compare it to DTS. There will be no stopping that. “Comparison is the thief of joy”, yes, but the thoughts crawl into my mind anyway. I’m banking on it being a sort of respite, but if it’s not, what then? If it’s bad, if the D-Team doesn’t work well this year, if (and I hate even speaking this into existence) lice or noro were to spread around camp, if I fall for Jade again and make things stupid again (although I don’t think that will happen. Just a hunch.), if Eden and Sela get caught having lesbian sex or some crap like that, what then? I’m dreading camp while at the same time counting on it to save me. It is a strange balance. I just feel that last year I was excited. I was ready. I was anticipating camp for months in advance, and right now, I can barely even make myself believe that it is once again time to put on my bubbly camp counselor persona. She isn’t refined like she was last year. I was grappling with a lot last year, but I was able to put on a good face. I don’t do faces anymore. What you see is what you get. That isn’t good for a counselor who is supposed to be leading kids. It’s the whole Seeleen thing, but on a different scale. One vs many. We’ll see. I’m sure I’ll have the time of my life, post lots of pictures, blah blah blah. For now, I feel like the cycle of work work work mediocre day off work work work work feels never ending, even as I plan to leave.
I FaceTimed Alice last night. I don’t know if I will properly enunciate what I want to say next, but I will try my best. She was in a room I’ve stayed in in Bangkok. She had the unclaimed bed. We talked, and she was wearing outreach clothes. I talked about DTS without fearing that the person I was talking to was secretly wanting a way out of the conversation. It felt like I was back there again. I didn’t realize how much my emotional state had changed. Like, yeah I’m more sad now, but like, things seem hazy and foggy, like my thoughts, mind, life is covered in a veil of smoke, and while I was talking to Alice, for the briefest time, the smoke cleared. Like it did at YWAM. Yes I was still sad a lot while in DTS. A whole lot. That was more a product of God working on various deep hurts in my life. This now is just. A deep hurt. It was interesting.
Made me think again about how much I’ve changed. That I have already written about, so I’ll spare myself the details. But as I kept thinking, and then as I watched a YouTube video that Trevor and his friend made, I realized that everyone else has changed too. (Silly Kiah, of course people change after two months apart.)
Two months apart. Two months since I’ve seen any of them. I called Jess while in Pattaya and she mentioned how it had been two months since June DTS graduated. That gap of time felt different. Not longer or shorter, but a lot more full. More bright.
People change. Back to that. In the video, a lot of the mannerisms and personality traits that I so commonly saw in Trevor were not present, and things that I had never seen were at the surface. I don’t know why that hit the way it did. Maybe it was simply the act of seeing him. Milana’s posts about her home did the same on a lesser scale. I think it was because it was a video.
MY EYES ONLY
Is part of me holding on to the crush on Trevor so I won’t develop a crush on Jade or anyone else at camp this year? Is the reason the crush is mostly gone because it was a convenience crush? It doesn’t feel like it. I knew parts of his soul, and he knew most of mine. How could that be a convenience thing? Or maybe, just maybe, the second time around, because I had grown to know and love him beyond my initial perceptions and ideations, I mistook simple love for romantic affection? I have never been able to give love like that before. It would also explain why I was jealous of Matthew. Not because I liked Ashlin. Far from it. Because he was inadvertently taking away the person that I had developed strong and true love for? Is that why I was always laying on or hugging Maddie? To show that love?
Why does the English language only have one word for love? I don’t romantically love any of these people. But to say I only platonically love them seems to diminish the love and joy and affection I have for them. For Trevor. For Ashlin. For Maddie, Mama Sarah, JT, Christina. I can’t say I agape them. I do believe that only Jesus can ever really do that. But that would be the closest, I think, out of all the Greek words for love. I agape these people the best that Human Kiah can. I have never agape loved anyone else before. And I felt agape love from them. Losing both the input and the output of that love is hard.
But I’m not going to write about that over and over again.
I almost started crying while telling my grandmother about the house in Pattaya.
I started to tell her about the balcony, and then had to stop. Think about when Trevor and I climbed up the scaffolding. Talking on the roof with him. Talking at the table with him. Laying on Maddie on the floor. The girls’s room in general. Giving up Cody in the Crows Nest, and not understanding why. I understand now. The long and random hallway behind the house, where the laundry usually resided. The pool with the tree with the pretty flowers.
I think about it a lot actually.
Seeing Bangkok just brought it back.
I felt pretty today. I truly can’t think of the last time that I truly felt pretty.
I’m still freaking out over that stupid spider, ugh. Now I’m just writing to avoid shaking out my blankets, for fear of what I’ll find.
I tried to see if anyone wanted to call this week, and it went about as well as most things I start do. Ashlin and Ellie tried to FaceTime while I was at work, I didn’t answer, and now Ashlin’s phone is broken. Mama Sarah and I even scheduled a time, but then she was in too much pain to be able to call. Christina responded eagerly, and then we both just never brought it up again. Trevor said sure, but I guess we both forgot he’s busy all the time. I brought it up again and was shot down. As already stated, I did call Alice. It was short and very late at night, but I did call her. One out of six isn’t bad I guess.
I’m hallucinating spiders. Help.
All of my writing and feelings and thoughts and emotions and desires and words feel superficial. Nothing feels as deep as it did. Maybe that’s a good thing, but it reminds me of the many year period where I couldn’t cry, couldn’t feel happy or sad or much of anything, the numbness enveloping me. I’m not at that point. And it doesn’t feel the same, but similar.
Idk I’m not even poetic anymore. I just like writing.
Posting these to my blog is like texting someone who has blocked you. It will not be seen, but you hope every time anyway. And it makes you say things you normally wouldn’t.
I unsubscribed from my blog. I kept myself around as a subscriber to make it feel less lonely, but that feels pathetic, even for me.
Now I post these abridged version on instagram. Which has once again caused me to not write for myself, but for my audience.
I think I’ll delete Instagram next. Not yet though.
Rainy Ramblings 