Avoidance

I have yet another list of things to write about and process, so lets dive right in. 

We moved to Pattaya. I miss the family. It’s too loud and busy here. The mosquitoes are worse. The ocean is cool. Too much sand. This place is trashy. Literally there is trash everywhere. The poorly hidden sex trafficking rings on every street corner. The overflowing night market. And yet surprisingly enough, I don’t fully hate it. I’m overwhelmed by it all, and the whiplash of coming from Rural Thailand to inner tourist city Thailand. I weirdly got used to my group being the only white people around, and that is most definitely no longer the case. We’ve lost our novelty. I know I hated our novelty at first, in fact, there is even a snippet of that in one of these posts. But now I think I miss it. No more riding in the back of Nan’s truck and saying hello to all of the kids running after us. I’ve experienced so much in the past month. Wow. 

Our contact here made a comment. About how he’d had to send a team home because one of the leaders was a “ladyboy”. Technically that term means trans woman. However, in the context that he was using it, I think he meant gay guy. Now, I’m sure that’s not the only reason the team was sent home. But it still hit me weird. He didn’t even really need to be telling the story. He has a thriving ministry and clearly loves Jesus. So he’s not a bad person. It might just take me a little longer to trust him. I said as much, to the team. It hit a few of us. I expected as much, and I was thinking of them when he first made the comment. Wondering what would it be like if I had shorter hair like I had wanted. If our leaders had been different. I can’t really share too much, as it’s not my place to. But some of us are gay, or bi, or whatever you could call me. If we were more flamboyant about it, would we have been disliked by him? There was one person in particular that I was thinking of, they are on fire for Christ, but they are also gay. Would our contact have dismissed any ministry that they could have done? I’ve just never had stuff like that be tossed around so flippantly, and it took me by surprise. 

I think I’ve accidentally been creating drama where there is none. One of the guys developed feelings for one of the girls pretty early on in the outreach. She only found out a week ago. I assumed as much for maybe two weeks. I think I accidentally prolonged whatever awkwardness there is. Not sure why, and maybe I’m wrong. But it wasn’t my place to be involved, and I got myself involved pretty heavily. I think they will get it sorted on their own, I just wish I had realized that earlier. I will say, I don’t think either of them are going about it in the right way, but it is not my place to say anything about that. So this is my formal resignation, I will let what happens happen, and hope that no one gets more hurt than they already are. I want to protect the guy she actually likes. I want her to not be confused and confusing. I want him to feel loved without having to have that love from her. But I can’t do any of that for them. So what will be will be. God has them all in His hands. 

I’m so so excited for kids ministry. I will be tired, but I will be making a difference and forming relationships. That is why I am here. 

I sort of kind of maybe broke things off with Cody today. Not forever. I hope not forever. God has been screaming at me that now is not the time and I have been ignoring that. We both need to have actual relationships with God before having a relationship with each other. I thought maybe just not putting a label on it would be ok. But it was never about the labels. I don’t know which speaker it was that said don’t covenant yourself to someone in your mind. I think we both did that. I at least was treating him as if he was my boyfriend, just without ever calling him my boyfriend. I told him I love him. I do love him. But I need to love YHWH above all, and right now I don’t. And he doesn’t either. This hurts. I know it hurts him, when I finally realized that breaking it off with Cody at least until the end of outreach was what God was telling me to do, I broke down. I still don’t think it’s fair in some part of my mind. Like, I finally found someone that I think I love, that loves me for who I am, and God said not right now. Maybe never. I don’t know what I’ll do if it’s never. A story that Eric Bird told during his lecture week is what really pushed this decision to the brink. Sure, talking with my mom helped. But I hadn’t actually made up my mind to do anything until I was sitting on the Crow’s Nest and praying. The story is like this. There was a poor beggar who only owned a single bag of rice. One day a super rich guy was passing down the street that the beggar was on. The beggar called out for help, and the rich man stopped. The beggar asked for food, money, anything. The rich man in return asked for the beggar’s rice. The beggar was furious. Here was a man who had everything, and instead of giving her anything, he asked for the one thing that the beggar owned. She angrily gave the rich man three grains of rice, and with that the rich man left. The beggar continued to get angrier, cursing after the rich man. Hours later, once she had settled down, she finally looked down, and there in front of her were three pieces of gold.     If you couldn’t tell, I am the beggar. The rich man is God. The rice is what God is asking me to give up. In this instance, it is Cody. (I cried the first time I heard this story, and I’m crying now.) So when that story came to mind, I knew it likely wasn’t on accident. So I did what the rich man/YHWH asked. And I do not understand it. And I do not like the pain. And I know that I brought it upon myself because God has been telling me wait from the beginning, and I chose not to. Thats all. Cody, if you are reading this, I hope God lifts the wait. Sooner rather than later. I love you, my California Boy, but you need to know that God loves you more than I ever could. 

I think thats all that I feel like writing right now.