This post is going to be along the same style that my old posts were, as a form of verbal processing. If you’re new here, this is where things tend to get “darker” in nature, as dumping all of my thoughts onto paper makes them more manageable. This is not the newsletter that is in the works. I promise, I am almost done with it, I have one section left, it’s just the one that will take the longest to write. If you’re an old reader, and thought I was better, surprise. (This is a joke). I am almost positive that my dark mood is a direct result of an emotional and spiritual crash after returning from outreach. I have not been sleeping well at all, so that probably ties into it. I’m sure this is just a temporary lapse, but it feels like a writing sort of night, and I’m writing as opposed to going for a walk at midnight in the frigid cold.
The January DTS is something interesting. I have gotten to know a few of them, and the few that have been willing to talk to us have been really nice. One of the boys and three of the girls. (I’m not counting Tim because he already knew us.) But the rest, specifically a pair of girls, refuse to talk to us. It’s not in a fear way, or at least that isn’t how they are choosing to present it. Instead, they are hostile. Borderline mean. I need to get over that, but it really does bring me back to the root of all of my rejection sensitivity stuff in a way that I thought I was over. Their dynamics are also interesting in a mostly bad way. The boys all seem to enjoy each other’s company, and are willing to accept new people and things. Three of the girls warmed right up to us, and a couple hang out with us nightly. However, I have rarely, if ever, seen those three interact with the bulk of their school. This school seems cliquey. Our school was like that to an extent, but everyone was always welcome if they wanted to be. (Minus rock climbing, but that was a different situation.) The older woman with the developmental delay and the girl with the lisp are outcasts. I called myself an outcast at the beginning, but that was my own perception of the situation, and upon later evaluation, was not true. I need to continue observing their school to see if my first impressions are correct. If they are, I worry for them and outreach. But as my mother is so fond of saying: not my circus, not my monkeys. The rules have changed for us though, and I do not appreciate it. Things are stricter, and our school is not adjusting to that, in part by choice. We shall see how this goes.
One of the things that I feared most when coming back is happening. Ashlin and Matthew would be reunited, and she would replace her time with me for her time with him. Maybe I’m making this a bigger deal than it is. This is entirely based off of today, and she did say she didn’t want to go that “far” with him, as in be that exclusive. She says it wasn’t her choice. That is true to a point, but she can communicate, or get up and leave. Of course, I likely wouldn’t do the same in her situation, so I can’t even be mad. I just miss my best friend. I love her so much, I literally do not know how to function without her.
I called Cody today. The first time in a few weeks. It wasn’t good. I didn’t know what to say, and to be completely honest, I just wanted to hang up the whole time. I don’t know what happened. Maybe God is making it easier for me to let go of him. Or maybe I am just not good at loving small. I work in extremes. Neutrality is the biggest extreme of all. I still think of him on occasion. I don’t know what to do. We have drifted apart, and it might be for the better, or it might be my all or nothing personality when it comes to relationships.
Speaking of all or nothing in regards to relationships. Let’s talk about Trevor. (I’m writing this like a podcast.) For a little background refresh: I was head over heels for all of lecture phase. Randomly just got over it right around the beginning of outreach. We became very good friends, and I was so so glad that I no longer liked him, because ruining friendships because of a crush is never the way to go. I consider him my best friend (alongside Ashlin, Brooks, and Eden. Having more than one best friend is dope.) Seemingly randomly, I became someone who initiates physical touch. Our outreach team consisted of mostly physical touch people (minus JT, but he put up with us anyway.) I was more so with Ashlin and Trevor, simply because I was closer to them. I fear he thinks I like him again. I don’t have a crush on him. Have I discovered a new form of platonic and borderline sibling-like love in the way I give and receive it with him (and Ashlin tbh)? Yes. I don’t know where I was going with this. I’m just scared of losing our friendship because he thinks I like him. It doesn’t help that everyone else seems to think at least one of us likes the other. I am all for friendships that blur the cultural lines of platonic and romantic, just not when it overcomplicates things. Me writing this will likely overcomplicate things.
I do not have any idea of what to do next with my life. I don’t even know how I’m getting home from DTS. I leave here in less than a month, and I don’t know if I’ll be flying, going to Trevor’s house to learn how to drive, or getting a ride from Brooks. I don’t want to fly alone. I may have pretended to be alone in the airport on Outreach as prep for the rest of my life, but I certainly didn’t enjoy it. I know what I’ll do in March. Go home, go skiing with the family, go home again, go to a conference with some Extreme buddies, and go home yet again. Heck, I can even say what I’ll do in April: work. Brooks is now working at Lumber House, Amber asked if I wanted to come back, and I said yes, but I had no clue how long I would be able to, but April would for sure work. Apparently that was the month she needs me the most, so that was a God thing for sure. But May is where everything sort of crumbles. Charlie, Matthew, Ellie, and Ashlin are coming back to North Cascades for a DBS (a Bible school, three months with an optional outreach). I was wanting to do a DBS at some point anyway, and specifically wanting to attend with some of my friends. Unfortunately for me, it appears all of my friends are going this year. “But Kiah, why don’t you just go this year then??” I want one final year at Extreme. I want to go into this year knowing that I will not come back, at least for a while. I want to go into this year with a goodbye mindset. I am happiest at Extreme. Shawn asked for me to come back. That starts in late May and goes to late June. Right over DBS. As well as all that, Shawn also asked me to consider going with a team to Japan for a few weeks on mission. I of course would LOVE to do that, my heart is now with Asia and missions. Also, it’s freaking Japan. He also asked if I would help with trail camps and backpacking trips in September. All of these things are things I desperately want to do. But that only gets me to the middle of September. After that last backpacking trip, where will I go? I do not want to get stuck in Abilene, and I fear that a whole winter spent working in monotony will drown me, make me unable to think, to live. Eden invited me to live with her in Lawrence, which is an option, but would it just be different input, same output? DBS and Advance are both out this year if I choose to go to Extreme. And that’s not even getting into the maybe calling I felt to Thailand. I never thought I would have too many options. I am afraid to pray about it, because that makes the leaving real. YHWH told me to go home. I think that takes DBS off of the table, but it doesn’t mean I can’t be sad about it.
I hate leaving. I hate goodbyes. I avoid them at all costs. A lot of times, I avoid having fun to offset the hurt of leaving that situation. I do not know what will happen to me when I leave this place. Dan was talking about how everyone gets after DTS depression. I rely on the people here for emotional support and comfort in hard situations. Leaving those people is not only leaving the people I love and care about dearly, but leaving that support system. I will crash, I am terrified. I do not want to go. It will never be like this again. It will never be the same again. How am I supposed to just be ok with that? I can’t bear the thought of going, but while I avoid thinking about it at all costs, the day ticks steadily closer. I can’t avoid it forever.
Rainy Ramblings 