So hey again. Yeah. I just can’t stay away from writing it seems. I’m in a car riding back from Colorado right now, and it’s been about twice as long of a drive as it should have been, due to snow and fear. So that has left me a lot of time to think. The first time that I have been unable to escape my own thoughts since returning to Kansas. This will likely be very scattered, but seeing as the only people (person?) still checking this page do care about me and have never criticized my not so eloquent form of expressing my thoughts before, I don’t think they will this time.
I can’t think about any of my time in YWAM without pain. I can’t call it grief. I know too many friends who have lost people to feel okay calling it grief. Really, what am I grieving? No one died. We all just… moved. And yet, here I sit, steadily in the process of transferring all of my daily journals to another place, having to entirely turn off my mind when I am doing so. I had assumed that I would at least be able to think of things processed many times over. But no. There are places in my mind that hurt worse than others. The few times my DTS went to Mama Sarah’s house. Team time. All of Pattaya, but especially the times spent hanging out at the house. All of the last week. Reuniting with Cambodia. I miss everyone. I miss Ashlin and Maddie. I miss JT. I miss Trevor. They have all, in their own way, kept in contact, whether it be instagram reels or texting or (however begrudgingly) Marco Polo. It’s not the same.
My family fights all of the time. They put on a facade of sorts for the first few days I was back, and then went back to what I was used to before leaving. It’s the worst kind of culture shock, going from people who know the deepest parts of you and love you for them, to people who assume they know the deepest parts of you and use that against you in every little disagreement. I got used to the lack of fighting. Sure, at YWAM we had disagreements, but we were in an environment built around community, so we always worked it out. Here, it seems to be the way of life. I sure haven’t helped. I kept the “Jesus high” for about as long as expected (a few days), but now I’ve crashed right back down to the person that I was before the last six months. That was what I was so terrified of. And almost without my knowledge, it has already happened. It hasn’t even been two weeks. I’m lazy again. I’m angry again. I’m clingy to my favorite people again. But heavy on the anger.
I haven’t thought in depth about anything from YWAM since leaving. People have asked how processing is going, and I genuinely thought that it was going well, with journaling and all. I was wrong. This wants to turn into a repeat of two paragraphs ago. My apologies. I don’t understand why I can’t let myself think about those months. They were the very best of my life. Maybe I fear that I’ve peaked. That the only reason I want to go back is to chase a community that has already split for good. I can’t get stuck in Kansas. I didn’t realize just how much I hate it here until I came back. Hmm.
As I have said time and time again, I don’t do well with goodbyes. After someone that I love has to part ways with me, I do one of two things. 1: ignore them. Not intentionally. But because their lack of presence is an area of pain, I just don’t think of them. 2: become overbearing in an attempt to keep it exactly the same. Even though I know it doesn’t work like that. For most people from DTS, it’s been an odd mixture of both. I simultaneously am always updating the group chat and not interacting when it’s someone that went to Ellie’s house for the week. I send memes to JT, but we haven’t actually talked. I called Maddie, but haven’t talked to her outside of that unless it’s in our Pattaya roomies group chat. I’ve only talked to Ashlin about Matthew. I have sent admittedly too many messages to Trevor, and yet manage to convince myself after each one that he is annoyed with me. I told Christina I’m coming back, but couldn’t bring myself to continue the conversation. Drew and Dan have both reached out, and it felt almost normal. I have not talked to Mama Sarah. I wouldn’t know what to say. I haven’t talked to anyone else. Charlie, Naomi, and Milana have all been absent from the group chat. I miss my people. I miss the ease of friendship (although it didn’t start out that way for me). I miss the physical touchiness a LOT. I miss people who genuinely understand me, and when they don’t, want to understand me. I want to make a map and pin where all of my people live. So I can see my friends around the world. That doesn’t bring them any closer though.
I was reading my journal to Brooks, but as I have been transferring it, I realize that a lot of my time is… not a secret per se. Maybe something that I want to keep close. I don’t really want to share every detail. I don’t know how to explain it well. Some things I want to hold close to my heart, and showing them to people puts up a wall of. Something.
I’m going to go through my notes app since returning, and see if I wrote anything that needs expanded upon.
“It’s strangely lonely that -three people from YWAM- have all liked -another person from YWAM. The girl that I wished that I was back in the very beginning. Seeing the two relationships that came out of this DTS flourish has been interesting. I’m happy for everyone involved and I better be getting a few wedding invites a few years down the road. One of the girls was liked by over half the guys though. And in the past (and the present-ish, let’s be real) I really struggled with comparison. It’s no big secret that I strongly dislike a lot about myself in terms of looks. The girl seems to be perfect in that regard. This was almost right after leaving, so being away has helped me compare a whole lot less. Doesn’t stop me from feeling mildly (lies. Strong.) jealousy towards her newfound relationship (although I don’t think she would call it that quite yet. Just give it time) I miss that one random week of relational peace that I had in Pattaya, gone with little to no explanation. Don’t covenant yourself to someone in your heart and all that jazz. Again, not a huge worry, but something I wanted to expand upon earlier.
“You cannot outrun the will of God.” If He for whatever reason wants me in Kansas, I can’t do a thing about that. I in no way think that is where He wants me. But if I’m not supposed to be in Advance or at North Cascades, that’s a different story. Only time will tell.
“You can never go back to the past, no matter how much you long for it. So there is no point in yearning, instead remember the time fondly, and live in the now.” Told to myself as I drove into Colorado and started thinking about. Well, I’m sure you could guess. I guess there’s some truth in it, but I don’t know how effective it’s proving to myself. Simultaneously unable to think about the past and being crippled by a desire to return to there. What an oxymoron. I saw a quote one time, something like. You can return to the past, but no one will be there. And that has haunted me ever since.
“Trevor got Marco Polo with much complaints and yet no prompting.” I don’t know. I just thought it was silly goofy. Trevor, if you’re reading this, if you really hate Marco Polo that much, I’m sure we can figure something else out. Or not. I really like Marco Polo.
“I just want a relationship/marriage with a man that doesn’t hate me.” Oof. Written by me today while stuck in the car. I’m sure you could read into that. I’m sure you will if you want to. Spelling it out is a bit too far for me.
I miss YWAM. I miss my people. I miss North Cascades. I miss the GREEN. Why is everything in Kansas so BROWN. Where are the trees?? Why is it flat?????? Where is the color???!??!?!??!
I was for real tweaking yesterday because all of my extroversion disappeared when I left that community, so now I just want to be alone. All the time. Away from my family. Away from Brooks. That’s the big, sort of unexpected one. We get tired of each other, it’s just a fact of our dysfunctional friendship. But I don’t want to see him. I don’t think it’s him. I think I just want my YWAM people or nobody. I knew that would happen. It’ll fade I think.
“Nobody cut the string that mattered.” Not written by me. In reference to two things. On our second to last night, the DTS had a funky little goodbye thing, where we all put a hand in the middle of the circle, and Sarah wrapped a string around each of our wrists, as a way to show that we were all super connected. Then, to start to facilitate goodbyes, she handed Trevor a pair of scissors and told him to release Jaque. Jaque had to release Milana, Milana released me, and so on. I couldn’t avoid that goodbye, and you best believe that I was hardcore crying throughout the whole process. The night after gradation, I made mention of that event to Trevor, in my typical I’m sad about leaving way. The above quote was his response. In reference to God. It is true, but boy do I feel like that string has been severed. I didn’t realize how closely my community tied to my relationship with YHWH. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.
Ok I think that’s it. If not, well. I’m crying too hard to continue. (I told you I’m weepy). Fair warning to my two email subscribers, I’m planning on reposting all of my old posts at some point in the future, so. Email notifications may go crazy. My bad.
Writing soundtrack: White Ferrari. The Blood. Effortlessly I feel everything. Missionary Anthem. I Lean not on my Own Understanding. 4Runner. No one like the LORD. Unto the Lamb.
Rainy Ramblings 