Camp

Made it to camp. Finally. Out of that job that has suffocated me for months. Back to my safe space, or what used to be my safe space. It’s too early to tell now, but I do think that maybe, just maybe, I’ve outgrown this too. I promise not to act like it, I do still love this place. I’m simply not the same Kiah that I was last year, the year before, in ways more dramatic than ever before. I’m sure that those ways will reveal themselves as time goes on, but we’ll see.

God called me back here for a reason. I think. He’d better hurry up and show me what it is. I can’t help but compare it with DTS. I knew I would, it’s just unfortunate that it happened so soon.

If JT was here, he would have become friends with the music people. Jade, Nay, Naomi, maybe Will. Probably not right away. With the group this year, I don’t know how well he would have fit.

If Ashlin was here, she would have bounced around to everyone, loving everyone, and everyone would have loved her right back. We would have still stuck pretty close, but she would have had no trouble making friends. She would have been a great fit.

If Maddie was here, she and I would have stuck together close, but she would have been drawn to Nay almost immediately, I’m sure of it. She would be an ok fit, but once campers arrived, she would have excelled.

If Trevor was here, he would have meshed with the guys right away. Hayden and Jade for the most part. He would have fit in right away, out of the four I invited, he would have adapted and thrived the best.

But none of them are here. I have to get over that. It’s ok. These people are amazing too. These people love me too. I am more willing to give and receive love this year, so it should be even better than anything in the past.

Hoping God opens a door in between the end of camp and the start of Advance. I will not be working at Lumber House. I truly can’t bring myself to it.

How am I already here. Last year at this time, I had barely registered that I was going to Washington in September, let alone Thailand.

I had more to write. I’m tired. So tired already.

If this really is my last year here, I do feel a bit of sadness about that. I love these people, this place and environment.

But I loved the people and environment of YWAM too, and I inevitably had to leave them.

It’s absolutely stupid of me, but I am scared that being here will help me move on. I don’t want to move on. Part of the reason I sent out a bunch of letters right before leaving. I don’t want to move on.

More and more and more people are getting married, and I am so damn sick of it. The amount of bitterness that fills my soul in this regard is horrid. I am happy for all (most) of the couples. Some make me more jealous than others. All make me fully envious. It really is one after the other. On average, I find out about a new couple (whether dating or marriage) about twice a week.

It’s incredibly stupid how much I care.

I keep thinking about how I gave up maybe the only chance I could have ever had to have a boyfriend. I don’t think I would change that, I was listening to God, after all. Still makes me upset to think about. I thought I had processed all there was to process in regards to Cody.

I have not nearly processed Trevor.

I’m sure he knows that fact. Maybe. I don’t live in his thoughts as much as he lives in mine.

But that’s most of the reason I’m scared to process, because as I’ve processed, I’ve cared about him less. I don’t want to stop caring.

Ok. I’m so tired, it’s really loud in here, I’m out of words. I’m done.