Saying it three times fast brings it back, right?
No, of course it doesn’t, but I’ve never been good at moving on from things that were important to me.
It’s time to reflect.
I haven’t really cried yet. I cried during my final goodbye with Cheryl, but of course I did. Goodbyes are continually harder as my life goes on, because every single one reminds me of the ones before it. So while I was hugging Cheryl, I was also hugging Naomi, JT, Trevor, Seeleen. I know there are so many more to come. That both excites and terrifies me. I am a girl of strong emotions. I will love so many people, and I will be heartbroken at every goodbye.
Coming home is hard. I’m back with a family that is hard to love, sharp on all edges, and bitter as wormwood. But they are mine, and I should love them. I do, in a way. Distance makes me fonder, but also more forgetful. My room is a mess, and I’m loathe to clean it because that means that all my camp stuff reverts back to just being stuff. I have to go to work tomorrow, 24 hours after getting back from a roller coaster of a month, and be like normal.
I am SO not built for customer service.
I hope that this three month go around is easier on the soul. No more terrifying spirals, no more cutting ties with friends because of who even knows, and no more hating every single day that included going to work. I have to be okay with this. It’s 88 days of mundane, but that is ok. My whole life doesn’t need to be one big adventure. I need to be a normal human being and make money at a job that I hate for a little bit. Besides, the money I’ll make now will help me fly back for Hayden’s wedding, and anything else that I may need a ticket for.
They’re cracking down on the rules though, and I’ll have to find new ways to keep my mind and hands busy. Maybe things like actually doing my job. There’s a radical thought.
Ugh, I’m still distracting myself.
This goodbye was a lot easier. We all live closer for the most part. Sure, we’ll go our separate ways in August, but that’s months from now. Hayden and Naomi are the only out of state-ers, but Naomi will be back, she’s got to keep in touch with her new boyfriend.
Camp was so many things. Last year, even with all of its crazy, was entirely normal compared to the… can’t curse on this page, I need to break that habit. The. Um. The not quite dumpster fire that this year was. Like, a house fire, but everyone is roasting marshmallows anyway.
I don’t think I miss it as much as I feared I would. It’s easier to keep in touch with people when they live within a few hours of you.
I only really felt/heard God interact with me twice while at camp. I was terrified of that happening, but I think it was on purpose. His way of making sure I wasn’t just using Him for the feelings and guidance He brings. Also perhaps His way of making sure I can trust a little more blindly than I am comfortable with.
He moved through me and showed Himself to me during Middle School prayer night, first while I was playing music with Lacey, and then when I was talking to Eden. He also gave me immense peace late into my birthday. Those were times when I really needed Him, so He showed up.
I hope that because my relationship with God while at camp was very much not feelings based, that it will sustain me while I am home.
I miss people. Naomi, Lilly, Kami, Leighton, Alex, Jade. I saw pieces of them that I didn’t honestly think I would get to see. They are all going to do such cool things.
I think I got more attached to the place than the people. Sort of. I take for granted the repeat offenders, I take for granted their presence. The Ammons family, Jade, Will, Eden, Lilly, they are simply a fact of life. If I were to go back and they weren’t there, I would only then start to miss them, because they aren’t where they are supposed to be. It’s easier to leave camp people because they are here for a season. I only know the summer versions of all of my friends, and it feels like that is the way it should be.
Surprising couples came out of this year. That is all I am going to say on the matter besides this: I give my (unneeded) blessing for all of them.
They kept trying to set me up with Trevor, without even knowing him. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Apparently calling people is a sign of romantic love or something. I don’t think so. That just sounds like they don’t call their friends enough.
The hardest I cried was when Lilly and I were watching the sunset on the trunk of her car, listening to You’re gonna go far. It’s so very cinematic, and I treasure that whole moment.
Everyone was so good at showing love. A lot of people grew this year. I’m sure I did too. It was a good year.
I get the feeling that this was my last year there. At least last year as a full time staffer. It makes me sad, of course. And my heart holds on to the sliver of hope that I will come back. But I think that I am meant to change courses, and I don’t yet know what that course is.
I reread the Art of Missing Someone, with the context of my camp people. I cry less than when I think of my YWAM people. But I still cry.
It was nothing like I expected, in some good ways, and some bad. It feels like I will wake up tomorrow and still be there.
How is it already over.
Soundtrack: Simulation Swarm (Big Thief). Exit Music for a Film (Radiohead). Miracle (Tors). Not a lot, just forever (Adrienne Lenker). Need 2 (Pinegrove). No Complaints (Noah Kahan). Sailor Song (Gigi Perez). You’re gonna go far (Noah kahan)
Rainy Ramblings 