Christmas

Merry Christmas. To myself. I live 13-15 hours ahead of anyone else I care about. Besides my outreach team of course. I was doing fantastic about “all of this” (asked by Mother, if I was ok being gone during Christmas. Answer: Fine, super busy teaching English) I am still failing to feel sad in the way I would consider “normal”. I feel detached. It’s not the horrible derealization of a few weeks ago (although that is still lingering issue). It’s simpler than that. I am so busy that I haven’t allowed myself time to think about anything but the present moment. Teaching English every day to people who know little to none. Riding elephants. Dealing with the severe anxiety spike that was brought on by the sickness a few of the people on Base contracted. Fatigue. Making memories. Being mobbed by little Thai kids every time I go out. Talking to Cody. It’s all a lot. Not bad, in most cases. Just a lot. It’s not even that I am behind on processing or anything like that. I feel rather emotionally regulated at the time being. (That is subject to change, of course). I think it’s simply due to the sheer number of things that are going on. I can’t allot a huge amount of brain power to anything in particular, or the other areas that need brain power won’t get any. Hence: Christmas maybe melancholies. 

We watched a cutesy Christmas movie tonight. Klaus. Fantastic animation, good if mildly predictable storyline, funky voice acting. The gist of the movie is the (fake) origins of Christmas, but specifically Santa Christmas. It was weirdly amazing. I was entranced for absolutely no reason. I cried for some reason (don’t ask, I literally could not tell you.) And if you aren’t a first time reader, you likely know how my mind works by now. One sad emotion leads to pondering. Pondering usually leads to sad. It’s a cycle. So now I’m pondering Christmas, because it is Christmas, and that is so strange to me. 

Trevor keeps saying “I wonder what I was doing a year ago today”. It continually gets me thinking. I can’t pinpoint what exactly I was doing, but I could give a rough estimate. That estimate has completely pivoted. I’m not at my grandparents house wracking up so much screen time, pissing off my siblings, reading the best fantasy book of all time (Stormlight Archive), overthinking stuff with Carson (who I haven’t talked to since leaving country almost a month ago). Now I’m. Teaching English. With people I met three months ago. Light years away from my family. I don’t talk to anyone from home. I talk to my mother. Cody. But he doesn’t count because I only met him a few months ago. I don’t even talk to Brooks anymore. There’s no school to worry about anymore. No pushing Julie to divulge info that she really shouldn’t about Adam and his mental state (that requires multiple blog posts to dive into. I probably won’t write about them though, feel free to ask me.) It’s not cold. There’s no snow. I have one present. I share a room with three other girls, and the sheet on my bed falls off every night. The door has big bold cracks running up and down it. I only get ice if it’s in coffee. No one here celebrates Christmas. 

I think the reason I’m upset is because we don’t have Christmas off. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Tomorrow is looking to be the most difficult day of outreach that we have had. Ever. It’s hard not to feel discouraged. I am here because I want to help these people maybe gain the same purpose that I have with Jesus. And instead we are attempting (and most likely failing) to teach kids that do not care another language. How much can I really do in one day. The whole point of what I’m doing here is building relationships with people. Letting them know that they matter. Then sharing the love of Christ. That is why I am here. But that is not what has happened. Sure, we are helping practically when we paint someone’s house. But I didn’t once talk to the owner of the house. The kids we meet at soccer. I have come the closest to actually connecting with them. And I was scolded for it. Maybe not directly. But I was told that I was there to play soccer, so I at least need to try to play. I am at a lack for words right now, but here’s my attempt. I am connecting with a group of kids that not even our Contacts are connected with. I am befriending them, and more and more show up every night to talk to me, look at my tattoo, listen to me, give me flowers. I have formed the strongest relationships with anyone here, and I truly believe that I’m not just saying that.  But “thats not the super specific thing we are supposed to be doing”. None of the soccer players have had conversations with the Thai kids playing about why we’re here, and talked about what their lives are like.    This is weird. Writing does this to me sometimes, draws out frustrations and emotions that had been wordless, and puts them to the paper. (Screen). I don’t think I’m frustrated enough to cause disunity or anything. Its just. Frustrating. 

I should miss more people than I do. I vaguely miss my family, but more in the sense that I miss a year ago today, and all the pictures popping up in photos. I don’t miss the people. I should miss Brooks. But we haven’t talked for more than a text or two in. A month? Since Thanksgiving I think. Judah, Carson, Reese, Jade. Mostly lost contact with all of them. Eden and I talk, but not a ton. Adam has cut me off. Julie is starting to. And I should care about this. But I don’t. A lot of these things are my fault, I haven’t reached out since maybe leaving. 

I saw a video highlighting small towns in Kansas and it made me cry. I called my family and they felt foreign to me. Why is my home state more familiar than my family?

That was not at all where I thought this post was going, but hey. That’s ok. It’s been decent. I keep experiencing things I know I’ll be talking about until I die. It’s wild. 

My soundtrack. Daywalkers (Propaganda). Enough (Branan Murphy). Just be your friend (jake Minch). Ww (Other nothing). You don’t know whats going on (Nickel Creek). Untitled (Zachy). Glue (Gigi Perez). Some random LOTR clip. Machine learning (Janini k jha). From (Adrienne Lenker). Mortals (Tommy Lefroy). All night (charlie Houston)