Hmm

This could be the last one of these for a while. Or maybe not. I like this site too much to quit. However. The past week has been a confusing swirl of all sorts of emotions, and this blog as a public forum only served to make that even more complicated.

Trevor has vowed to stop reading these, to allow me to genuinely process, without altering parts of myself and all that. It needed to happen I think. I can’t help but feel that this might be the end of that friendship in a way. I’m sure it’s not, but I will never be this vulnerable to him again. Not by any fault of his, or of mine. It just is what it is. I am having to make choices that hurt me now to help me in the future, and if it were solely up to me, I wouldn’t be making them. This is the end of an era at least. I held on for far too long anyway. Letting go will allow me to deal with the topsy turvy grief that came with leaving YWAM and having all of my community ripped away.

I think Charlie is around here somewhere. Hey. I won’t alter my writing for you. I just don’t know how to talk about myself directly to someone else. Keep trying, I’ll figure it out eventually.

I miss everyone so much. It’s been over a month, but the wound still feels raw. I made myself busy for the first month, so I was able to avoid most of the feelings. I think that is a large reason why everything imploded recently. Why the tears come at the drop of a hat. It’s not bad, just delayed.

I mostly think of Pattaya. The times where we were all together. My mind likes to try and separate the memories from myself. It didn’t happen to me. It was someone else. That isn’t true. Sure, I have changed since then, but she was just as much a part of me as the current version of me is.

My relationship with YHWH is struggling. I had a plan to avoid that, and predictably didn’t follow it. Brooks keeps saying that the reason I loved DTS so much, that the reason I’m going back for Advance is because I am chasing a spiritual high. The implications are clear. If I need a spiritual high to have a relationship with God, then something is off. I let that consume me, and I probably will again, but right now, I am making an effort. Of course I am in a dry season. Spiritual highs are not bad. Being in a place where Jesus is the main focus will dramatically change everything. Having that taken away will change everything again. Maybe I am chasing a spiritual high, but I’d rather chase Jesus than the wanderlust, or the good feelings, or whatever else I could be chasing.

I don’t think I can ever actually retire writing as a way of… dealing with emotions. Used wrong (see: the past week) is bad. However, used correctly (see: now?) is much more healthy than anything else I like to revert to. I need to revert to God. I know that. I fear I don’t know how right now. I feel separated, and like I could figure out how to get back if I only had the energy to think about it.

Really living up to the blog name, Ramblings. Now I just need some rain.

I wonder if anyone else is struggling with returning home. I’m sure they are. Leaving broke that bond that we all had, so no one is honest. The group chat is for sillies, and that’s it.

I have my rain jacket stashed in the corner of my room. It still smells like the girls dorm. I can’t bring myself to wash it. What a strange thing.

I wonder if my thought patterns revert to suicide because of social media.

That’s how I was introduced to the concept of self harm. I likely never would have thought of that on my own.

Maybe I need to get rid of my phone.

Or delete some of my social media accounts.

Tiktok is the worst. I think I’ll do that actually. (Reminder to self, figure out how to delete account)

In some only poetic to me way, death scares me just as much as life does. Parts of life, that is. And I’m not scared of death, but I am? I guess I don’t know where I was going with this. I only get bad like this when I’m not right with God. Maybe instead of trying to break that thought pattern, or get over this stupid friendship ruining crush, or stop the harmful coping mechanisms, or fix myself, I should let God do it.

I don’t know how.

I know how to delete this page. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I feel that it does need to happen at some point, but maybe that point isn’t now. I can never truly write for myself if I allow people to access it.

If I had known it would be this painful to come home, maybe I never would have gone. (But I don’t really mean that)

I will be ok again, God showed me as much before leaving. I’m just not looking forward to the 5 ish months to come. I am alone, and that isn’t a good place to be.