Honesty

My dear readers, I must confess that I haven’t been entirely honest with you.

Should I be writing this for the general public? No. But I’m in a bit of a self sabotaging mood.

If you’ve been around a while, you’ve read about me processing my feelings for Trevor in the beginning, and everything with the Cody saga in the middle. Then all of that just. Stopped.

Or so it appeared.

I lied. To everyone. That includes myself.

Going back and reading my journal from when Cody and I were talking is painful. I never liked him like that. The most I can say is I think I could have if I had known him longer. But that’s nothing close to actually feeling things for him. I processed this, sort of, somewhere, but now I can’t find the original writing. I’ll try to rewrite it as best I can.

I was using him. The whole time. I don’t think I realized it until it was over, but I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. Using him as a distraction, mostly. See, the attraction that I felt towards another member of my team never actually went away. I just shoved it so far down, and then used Cody to avert my own gaze, that I didn’t even realize it until reading my journal. So when Cody and I stopped talking, and those feelings for Trevor came back, I was more surprised than I feel I had a right to be.

Those feelings never went away. I hid them better this time around, or at least I think I did. I didn’t acknowledge them until Bangkok. Most of the girls caught on rather quickly. Ashlin and Maddie knew by my own panicked confession.

I didn’t want to like him. By the time we were back in the States, I was hopelessly entangled in my own mind once again. But this was worse. We had carefully built up a beautiful friendship, and this was sure to ruin it if he ever found out. So I tried to keep it hidden.

I do think I succeeded. Until today. Or recently. Or maybe not at all. Or maybe this is an unwelcome surprise and I will wake up to find myself blocked and have only myself to blame.

I’d rather be friends than nothing at all. But if I am entirely honest, Eric’s quote of “don’t covenant yourself to someone in your heart” has been on loop since leaving Thailand.

This was the deepest form of self sabotage, and I know I will regret it. But I was praised for being open and vulnerable. So here it is. All of it.

I found bits in my journal. Might as well dig a deeper hole. I’m sure anyone who was reading this has stopped by now anyway. “I told the girls about Trevor. And how… my feelings returned. Or rather, they never actually left. I can admit it now I think. I was using Cody as a distraction. And he was a good one. It worked. The reason I never felt anything for Cody is because I was.. am. In love with Trevor. That was the whole reason. I KNEW. I think I knew and stuffed it so far down that I couldn’t even think about it. *skip a few lines because I’m not actually THAT vulnerable* Today was another instance where I had to admit it. When he and Milana were flirting, and I thought about the scenario where he asks her out. Or if not her, then Madison back home. And I found that the thought hurt entirely too much for just friends. Is this why I reacted the way I did with the Ashlin stuff? So now I have lied on my blog, and to him, and to his FACE, and to Milana, and to all the girls and the leaders and to myself. Worst of all myself.” (February 12) “Ashlin drags me to the side room. I tried to explain my mindset, but ya know. I was brutally honest. Like, I know it likely isn’t good for me. I shouldn’t pursue this because he doesn’t like me. But he offered to play with my hair. No. He does not like me. But I could see a future with him. For real. He’s the first guy I like in in all senses of the word, his faults that drive everyone crazy are endearing to me, we work well together, he is good for me, I’m comfortable with him. But I am not good for him. I am not a good person.” (February 14) “She’s pretty. Madison. Pretty, aesthetic, on fire for God. Pretty. I had no effing chance. She’s so pretty. If I looked like her, do you think my personality would become attractive? I don’t know. If it’s a yes, then it really is all about looks, and that is shallow and gross. And makes me realize just how rusting ugly I am. If no, then I am irredeemably broken inside, and no one wants to deal with that.” (February 19. Shortly after this was that one fight, in which I have a very long voice note of me ranting, that I will not be sharing.) “He sat down. We talked. Avoided THE topic for a bit. I asked about dance. Asked if he wanted me to stop teasing him about Madison. “I don’t even know if it’ll work out. I don’t even know if i want it to work out.” Pause. I didn’t mean it to sound like I was telling you what to do. It was partly a joke and partly i want you to… i dont want you to get hurt. He understood. We talked a decent bit more. About how brooks and i will fall out for months at a time, then pop back into each others lives. “Thats a good friend. You need to keep him around.” Leaving. I’m not ready. He is. He’s not doing DBS. This isnt my home. I need to see my family.  “ this is more my home than Abilene is. But it isnt right. I think im doomed to be a wanderer.” How romantic of you.  You’ll find a home someday. “Maybe.” Do you want kids? “I used to say no. I dont know.” If emetophobia wasnt an issue? “I. Yeah. Yeah I would” (i realized that. It shocked me.) “but i dont think I’ll be a good mother either.” You will be. “Maybe.” Why does he do this. Say all the right things   A day after saying all the wrong ones. We bailed. I got him a zofran. And we went to bed. I don’t think this ever means anything ever. But out of every single person I have ever liked and tried to see a future with, he is the only one that I think i could be a good mother with. Simply because he knows how I tick, and (for the most part) he compliments that. Other than our shared emetophobia, it may be perfect. Not now though. I am not refined enough. And neither is he. Maybe never. I need to stop overvaluing marraige. What. Wow. Wait. It’s not even dating anymore. Its marraige. Marriage used to scare me. What happened?? Im only 18.” (February 20. Why am I posting this. Do you know how embarrassing this is? Why am I doing this?) “Trevor called Owen, but talked in his Madison voice to trick me. But that means it is intentional. That’s. Interesting. I told him that Madison doesn’t actually know him because he’s being a fake when he talks to her. More refined, less crass, more slow. He didn’t respond. I could have said more, but I chose not to. He is hiding parts of himself to appeal to a girl that does not like him, and that he likes to claim he doesn’t like either, but we all know that isn’t the case. I can’t even talk about it to anyone because he IS my confidant, and if I talked in depth to Ashlin, it would be gossip. (Rusts I love gossip. That is so terrible.)” (February 23) “I wandered for a bit, balancing on some separators and praying. It got rather quickly to Ashlin is a whore  she gets a good guy, and I’m not and I don’t. Followed RIGHT away by oh. I am just as bad. Cody. “I never wanted Cody. I wanted a boyfriend.” Then I kept wandering and asked God if that extended to Trevor. I didn’t get an answer. Maybe it does. It does for sure at least partially. Trevor and I were alone picking up after the movie and I told him about them. He said she did that to him in Chaiyaphum, and apparently my shock was weird. Idk. That’s not a friend thing. No matter what anyone says.” ““Do you still like him?” Milana knew. She was on to me. I said I don’t know and they didnt like that answer. So i continued and said that if he liked me, then it would be a yes. But he doesnt. So it’s an I dont know. They didn’t like that answer either, but I was late to my meeting” “He is perfect for me but I am not perfect for him” “He said he wouldn’t hug me because of bro code, and now I’m confused. I’m not seeing anyone. The last time that was the case was when he liked someone. Stop giving me false hope.” “The fact that he can’t be bothered to text me back when he himself said we were the closest from DTS, but during the literal last few nights of DTS, he would spend hours calling Madison. I can’t. Stop being salty over a man who never wanted you.” I haven’t written the rest of my journal.

So there it is, all laid out for anyone to see, and I should just off myself now from the sheer mortification of oversharing to the point that I have likely just lost my closest friend. (Remember that I’m not his closest friend when writing this) Of course I won’t. I’ll just. Continue. I hate myself for posting this. But of course even the deepest sense of self loathing won’t stop the train wreck that is me. “We’ll see if he stays when he actually knows the truth” Is that even me thinking that? I don’t know what’s happening to me. I didn’t expect to get so out of control. This is why I deleted the page. I can only imagine how insane I must seem now. I would leave me too, given the choice. Is this the bottom of the spiral? As I said. Something must change.