I cried twice today

On two separate occasions for two entirely separate reasons. I haven’t really cried in weeks. Months maybe. I’ll start with the smaller reason first. 

We were told that there was no more soccer practice. I hadn’t realized that. I had told my girls that I would see them a few more times before I go. Maybe hug them. Almost certainly comfort them as they cry. I just wanted a goodbye. A tangible end to the precious relationships that I formed with these kids. But I won’t get that. I lied to them, albeit unintentionally. But they will think that I abandoned them with not even a goodbye. I needed a goodbye. (Rusts. I’m crying again.) I loved these kids and I will never see them again. This is very upsetting to me. I would have been ok if I’d had a goodbye (lies.)

The second (but actually the first) reason I cried, saved for last because I will write a lot about this, I fear. Cali Boy said he loved me today. He backtracked a bit. But that’s not when I cried. He asked if we’re official, and I said it was up to him. He said that he wasn’t right with God enough yet. Neither am I, which is why I left it up to him. That’s not why I cried. We continued to talk, saying maybe we’ll reconsider it after I graduate. Maybe we’ll wait two years, for him to be done with college, and then we can do a DBS together. That’s a long time to wait. Thats a long time for an undefined talking stage. Trusting God’s timing is hard for me. But I could have made this go a different way, knowing that it wasn’t God’s timing. And I didn’t. I chose what God was saying, no matter how badly I wanted to do differently. That is a step I am honestly surprised that I was able to take. Part of me regrets it. Part of me is shocked that I actually trusted God enough to at the very least, leave the decision up to Cody. I wonder if he’s shocked that he also chose to leave it as is. I could just ask, but that’s scary. Instead I’ll write it in here and tell him to read it. That’s how I always do things it seems. We talked about a bit more. But how do you talk normally after a conversation like that? So immediately after hanging up, I grabbed a guitar and headed down to the unfinished lower level. Where I could have at least some semblance of aloneness with God. I prayed. A lot. And yes, this is when I cried. I asked if it could be now. And, for the first time in months, God answered. “No.” That is when I cried. And it wasn’t like teared up, noooo no. Full on sobs, which I had to muffle because of the lack of anything soundproof. I think it was in part due to the whiplash of the previous conversation. In part because of the no. Regardless. I cried. I was too scared to ask about anything else. I didn’t get a no with the continuing to talk with him. But I don’t know. God’s timing is not my own and I just. Ugh. Yeah. 

This wasn’t coherent at all, but I needed to get something out. It’s weird, being sad about a decision that you are sure is right. But it feels like heartbreak.  In a way. That’s all. Bye.