I wasn’t going to write tonight. I swear, I wasn’t (not that it’s actually an issue at the present, it’s just late.) But Alice called, and that brought up weird emotions, and come on. Who would I be to let that bit of emotion pass by without grabbing on and milking it for some maybe hopefully cool words?
She is me. She also has some access to this blog. Whether or not she chooses to use that access is up to her. If she is here, hey queen.
If you replace her ex with Cody and her best friend with Trevor, you get the same exact freaking story. What were the odds??
I’m sure there’s probably big differences that I’m missing, but on the surface, it looks pretty much the same in the big places.
She was “dating not dating” a guy, starting right before outreach. She had feelings for another guy IN her DTS since almost the beginning, and it felt like emotional cheating. The boyfriend not boyfriend and her broke up, and she and the crush became besties, but also. She is in love.
I was dating not dating Cody, right before outreach. Liked Trevor sort of that whole time. Broke things off with Cody, and still liked Trevor. We ALL know how that turned out.
I thought that was interesting.
But then she wanted to know about Cody.
I think I haven’t thought about him. Intentionally. Those are the unhealed wounds in the title, mostly.
Self inflicted.
But not out of spite, out of foolishness.
He and I are friends again, I reach out occasionally, or he does.
I’m not quite sure what’s unhealed about it. Any hurt from that was my fault, I recognize that, and thought I had gotten over it all.
It’s probably just a weird dose of late night musings.
I can’t say I miss him without feeling like I’m going against God. Maybe I miss the attention he gave me, and I miss our friendship. One is ok to miss, the other, not so much.
I possess a lot of unhealed wounds. Maybe they aren’t supposed to be healed. Life isn’t supposed to not hurt. A healthy dose of hurt isn’t bad, I think.
I also think that God gave me Alice because she will do what I did after DTS. She is very similar to me, how her mind works, at least from what I can see.
the hard thing is, I don’t know how to help her.
I know I was in an AWFUL place after DTS, because I didn’t come home well. I’m just not sure what I did wrong. I can’t tell her what to do or not do if I don’t even know myself what was the issue.
Maybe I do. Isolating from the people in Kansas while trying too hard with the people from my DTS.
I don’t think she would listen if I told her to talk to the people around her more and her DTS less. I know I wouldn’t have.
She’ll be ok. I was. She isn’t me, so the process might be shorter or longer or less painful or more. But she will be ok.
I’m not the best at celebrating with friends when they have something I want desperately.
If that moment arises again in a different form, I will have the crash out to end all crash outs. It won’t be a night of crying and one day of sullenness. Or maybe it will be. I tend to underestimate my ability to be ok, causing me to not be ok, twisted cycle, bleh, ew, and all that.
And my music friend that I was trying to set up with another friend of mine ghosted me. I think he thought I had a crush on him, and I thought he had a crush on ME and it was this whole stupid thing, and now I have music and nowhere to send it. Literally not important in any way, but just another thing.
I lost my keyboard and planned to go to bed two hours ago, so if this isn’t eloquent, cry about it.
Rainy Ramblings 