Middle

I have been back in the states for a little over a week. That has been weird to say the least. I also leave YWAM in a little over two weeks. That is terrifying. 

Being back

Sitting in lectures again, after everything I’ve been through, everyone I’ve met, everywhere I’ve been, is… different. It feels the same in some ways. I’m sitting in the same spot I sat in before, taking notes in the same style, but it seems that everything has changed. I’m done with Outreach. I’m no longer prepping to go overseas. I’m prepping to go home, to go back to Kansas. We have all changed so much, it’s weird to be back in the same place (physically) as before. The January DTS only knows us as we are now. We will only know them as before Outreach people, and will not get to witness their change. Outreach changes everyone, whether or not you want it to. It makes me wonder what the June DTS was like before their Outreach. Anyway, that was a side tangent. Jet lag hit me like a bus. The first night being back, I was practically falling asleep by 4:00 (campus rule: you can’t go to sleep before 7:00 after coming back), and went right to sleep around 8:00, only to wake up right at midnight, alert and awake as if I had had coffee a while before. After attempting to go back to sleep for a few hours, I gave up and went to hang out in the common room. Trevor woke up around 3:00, Ashlin was awake by 4:00, and at 6:00, Maddie joined me and Ashlin for a game of Rummikub. By 7:00, I was tired, and went back to bed. 7:00 a.m. PNW time is around when I would have gone to sleep in Thailand. The next night, I fell asleep at 8:00 and woke up at 4:00. Slowly my sleep started to get back to normal, although I did enjoy the ability to get up early for a few days. Everything has changed, and yet everything is the same. It’s hard to explain with words. I think when I have a spiritual encounter that results in dramatic change, I expect the rest of the world to have changed with me, and that is never the case. Re-entry shock hit me, but not like a bus. Maybe like a snowball to the back. Shocking and cold, but not terribly painful. I can cross the road without having to dodge motos. I have to go broke every time I want to buy a coffee. People don’t talk to each other on the street. It’s below freezing. It’s quiet! Everything was so loud all the time, even when we weren’t in the city. Dogs barking, people shouting, kites singing. Not so, here. I can breathe deeply without fear of inhaling some rather questionable scents. We are less connected. “How is that possible, you all live on the same base!” Separate buildings. More people. Honestly, more rules and expectations. Where I was allowed to play video games with Trevor in Pattaya, alone in Mama Sarah’s room, now we can’t be in the office unless there is a third. Where group cuddles were a thing (do not even ask), now it’s at the very least, frowned upon for girls and guys to be in close proximity. (But only, it seems, with some pairings. I’m not going to go into it out of a place of bitterness.) I lost Ashlin to Matthew. They are a lovely pairing. I love them together, and alone. But the majority of the time Ashlin and I would have spent together, she is now with Matthew. I find myself alone more often than I thought I would, or clinging to Trevor and Maddie. Trevor at least, seems to be done with it. Maybe it’s a good thing we leave so soon. I didn’t expect the dynamic to shift so dramatically.    A lot of my school is talking about going to a DBS (a Bible school), with a possible outreach to Nepal. I really desperately want to go. God told me no. Ashlin, Ellie, Charlie, Naomi, Milana, and Matthew are going. Trevor and Ethan are at least considering it. I am not allowed to consider it. (God’s orders.) It is strangely painful to think about the fact that all of my friends are going to experience this together, and I won’t be there. God told me “go home”, and I have to abide by that. The mixture of cheapest of cheap shampoo and something weird in the water is killing my hair, but I don’t have the money to go out and buy new shampoo, especially not this close to the end. American food has killed my face, and although my skin was never clear on Outreach, it would have been like crystal compared to what it is now. American food also kills my stomach. Preservatives really are terrible for you. Who knew. (I miss Thai food.) My reynauds has come back with a vengeance (cold weather does that). My tan doesn’t even get to be shown off! My seasonal depression-ish thing is back as well, although I seemingly can fight it better than before. That all sounds bad (and it is). But there are good things too. I have a nice bed, like, the best mattress ever. Both teams are back together. Ice in my water. The ability to drink tap water. Being on the same time zone (or closer) to my family and friends. I don’t know. There are more bads than I thought, but I’m not having a horrible time of it. Just not quite as good as I had hoped. The biggest thing is how my team interacts now. I hardly ever see Drew and Alyssa. JT is usually off on his own playing guitar. Maddie has different patterns than I do. Ethan is pretty much the same. Ashlin, as previously stated, is lost with Matthew. Trevor is being his usual social butterfly self. Mama Sarah lives off base, and she is much more reserved than she was on Outreach. I’m lonely and surrounded by people. The difference now is, I have a more solid relationship with God and with myself. So it still sucks, but it’s much more manageable than it was the first time around. 

Leaving soon. 

Not going to DBS is affecting me more than I had thought it would. Trusting God has better things in store is good on the surface, but it’s hard to accept all the way down. Yeah, I’ll be working at Extreme, yeah I’ll go to Japan, yeah I’ll go backpacking. That will be good. But once all of that ends, midway through September, I have nothing else. Go to work, come back to my parents house, go to work, come back to my parents house. Even Brooks is going to leave. Like. I will be alone. There is talk of Advance Leadership School being moved to sometime in the fall. I could come back to that. I really do feel that I am not supposed to think about after this summer for a while. That is terrifying, but God doesn’t give five year plans. I think the biggest reason I am sad is because I feel like I’ve discovered the secret to thriving. This community, these people, I love them. And they love me. And… in 16 days, we will all go away again. Jaque goes back to Brazil. Charlie to Australia. Jemima to Germany. Naomi to Canada. Milana and Trevor back to the other sides of Washington. I know where everyone else lives, but now that I’m thinking about it, it’s weird to put it in a blog. Whatever. Long story short, no one lives even close to Kansas. Relationships never thrive digitally. It WILL change. My friendships will fade. Texting only goes so far, and I’m terrified for how. Alone I’ll be when I go home. Maybe never to come back. Maybe never to see any of these people again. March 7th. Graduation. Most of us will leave at some point during that day. My mother is flying down, and then we are going with Trevor to Portland and flying out the next day. That prolongs goodbyes. Maybe that will make it easier. Apparently God thinks Trevor needs to be my last goodbye, at least according to Mom. I’m glad she’s coming. I don’t know if I could handle a whole travel day alone, with just me and my inevitably gloomy thoughts. I’m planning for when I get home. I can’t allow myself to isolate. I’m planning a few “here’s what I did for the last few months” presentations. I’m going to Colorado with the fam, to sit in a hot tub and read for a week while they ski. (I’m counting on me being too tired). I’m going to Georgia through Extreme for a conference. I have a job lined up for at least two months. Brooks and I have plans upon plans upon plans. Maybe a roadtrip or something. But that still leaves me too much time. I never had a blog in Abilene. Maybe this site will die when I leave. Maybe it’ll be more active as I learn to live outside of YWAM. The thing I’m scared of the most though. Will I still be able to hear God and trust that what He is telling me is right when I’m not here? Church once a week won’t cut it. I’ll have to figure something out. 

Final thoughts

Ok yeah that was a lot. Um… I’m going to lose to Jeremiah in another reading contest? Idk, I just want to end on a good note.