Transferring my lecture phase notes to paper has made me realize how much I used to say that, and for absolutely no reason.
I found some things I missed in my notes app, and I also had some revelations today, so writing to process is the way to go. (Wow who knew that being intentional with God would produce growth…)
Starting with the not so fun stuff in the notes app.
“I wish I could also unsubscribe to my thoughts.” Written the night after that whole fiasco of a few weeks ago. It would be nice sometimes. I do find my mind a very interesting place, but also exhausting. A lot of the not good thoughts are obvious at first, and I can ignore them, but after a barrage of the same thoughts, they start to crowd in at the edges. I saw a video today that said if you believe negative things about yourself, you will start to look for that affirmation that those thoughts are true in how other people treat you. Even in the little things. When they inevitably say or do just the right (or wrong) thing, you tend to get upset at them, or treat it as confirmation, when in reality, your thoughts have caused you to see what is not actually there. I didn’t word that quite right, but it does pertain, if the point was articulated well enough. I think I think too much.
The “flashbacks” from YWAM are settling down. They were rather bad for a bit, thinking about Pattaya a lot, and everything else as well. They slowly started to taper out, and moved chronologically in the process. It was the last week of DTS for a while as well. The goodbyes. Hugging JT and watching him break down. Alice running after the car. Singing the Blessing in the green room. But today, as my family van rolled out of my grandparents driveway, it unexpectedly flung me into the drive to Portland. Those emotions are still too raw to fully dive into unpacking. It’s been a month and a half. I know I need to move on. Holding on to what I can makes me feel better. Refusing to write about the last day of DTS, about graduation and leaving and goodbyes is refusing to process it. Refusing to process it takes away the permanence of the goodbyes, and allows me to take comfort in the small amount of pain (grief as love and all that) as opposed to feeling it heavily once or twice and letting them go. It makes them less gone.
You said that out of anger.
I say a lot of things out of anger.
I didn’t used to be angry.
I got upset with my mom about something stupid this morning, and yelled at her. This trend continued. I probably yelled at all of my family members today. Above shows my internal monologue on an hour drive back home, when I had time to think. I was and am angry a lot. Passion and anger ride close to the same line. When I was thinking about it earlier, I thought maybe it was my family’s fault; I wasn’t angry like this ever in YWAM. But now I am stuck on the “like this” of that statement. I think a lot of the not good qualities of me were allowed and encouraged to reform into something good while I was away. My anger (usually) turned to passion. With the Tamar Center for one big example. I still got run of the mill angry, of course. With Trevor a few times for various reasons. Even that felt more like frustration though, a lack of communication. Here it seems it is just unbridled, undirected fury. And I don’t know why.
“Who I am here is not who i am really. I have lots of fractals of self, but my truest self, I started to be while away. I still had issues, but I also had strengths.” This ties in with the last paragraph. I am a slightly different person with everyone I am around. That is just a part of the human condition. I used to think that the true me, stripped of all of the excess that I adopted from other people, is the person that I am around my family. I grew up around them, I thought I was the most comfortable around them. But thinking further, I don’t know about that. I am not comfortable with them when it comes to my faith. Jesus. My passions. My quirks. Those things are all very big and real parts of me, and I was comfortable to share those parts of me with my DTS. Not here. I’m not wording this quite how I would like to. All of the strengths that I didn’t know I had and discovered while away have seemingly vanished upon return. That doesn’t seem like me being the realest me there is. That seems like the negatives being amplified, and the positives being forgotten.
That sounded more pessimistic than intended. It wasn’t originally a negative thought, nor is it now, not really. I simply used to think that being better around certain people was manipulation. But it’s not. Some people amplify the right parts of me, and some people don’t. And that is ok.
“Someday you will find someone who’s favorite form of beauty is the one you hold.” Sounds unbelievable that that quote came out of my mind, since the yearning and desire to be fully known and loved not in spite of that knowledge, but in part because of it is also produced by the same mind, and in excess amounts. (I don’t want someone to tell me that Jesus is that option. I know that. I struggle to believe it. But I do know it.)
This is for my eyes only. I would be moving on faster, but Trevor keeps showing up in my rusting dreams. He haunts even my unconscious hours. It’s not fair. It’s never any dream like “ohhh yay he wants to be my boyfriend yippee” or anything Ike that. It’s always friendship. The worst part is, nothing of it is unattainable. All of the scenarios that my mind devises could or have happened. And my obsessive twisted emotional dependency on him ruined that. I had a dream last night that he and my mom had schemed to send me to Washington for a few weeks, so he could teach me to drive, and we could go hiking, and ultimately to reset my mind from Abilene. Dream mom told me that he said I could only come if I fixed my attitude, and I laughed. I woke up as I got on the plane. I woke up, and was confused about where I was. And then the crushing feeling of. Loss. A self inflicted divide between us that I seem to keep driving deeper. The absolute worst part of it all, in all of the dreams, I do not have feelings for him. It is pure friendship. Like it WAS. “Oh but didn’t you say you liked him that whole time” I. WAS. CONFUSED. Cody scared me and I found safety and love in a friend. If something had been different, if I hadn’t allowed myself to entertain those thoughts again, maybe we would still be friends. “You are still friends!” It’s not the same, and will likely never be again. I made sure of that. (I can’t let myself hate myself for that. But I am anyway.)
That silly string from our last big family dinner is still on my wrist. I should cut it off. I won’t. It will fall off in its time, and hopefully by then I will have found the way to… move on.
Now onto the Jesus revelations.
He thought of ME on that cross. I’ve heard that so many times, but it hit me, really hit me, for the first time today. I always contained Jesus’s mind to strictly humanity. There’s billions of us, so if He thought of me, it was surely only a brief flicker. The deity of YHWH is outside of time, and His mind is incomparable to anything I know. He thought of me. He saw me, all of me, all moments and decisions of me, and chose to stay on that cross, to endure the whips, to die, with nothing but love for me. How could I ever hope to be better known and loved than that? With tears running down my face, I can’t help but wonder why this never hit me before.
He has infinite time for me. As I already said, YHWH is outside of time. All of my minor issues that I don’t want to bother Him with. He has time for those. He wants those too. This sounds so self centered, and yet at the same time, maybe He knows that this is the kind of revelation I need right now.
He is infinite, ALL of this is finite. This time. Me. YWAM. This season. The next season. Everything that I prioritize so much WILL end. This usually terrifies me. But the grounds of this isn’t fear, it is awe. Awe of the Father who is stronger, above the immovable and unstoppable force of time.
He is in everything, I am simply not allowing Him to work. Take this season of being at home. I am counting down the days until the next season (literally. 158 days until Advance), but He has placed me here for a reason. It’s not just an extended layover, or make all of the money time. Just because it’s Abilene and cashiering doesn’t mean He isn’t still planning to use me through it.
He gave me my future and I turned to that instead of Him. This takes some backstory. I have been telling people that the end goal is Thailand. NO. WRONG. The end goal is always YHWH. Yes, He told me Thailand. Yes He told me Advance. Instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Him, the GIVER of answers and future, I turned to the answers and future themselves. Yes, He is taking me to these places. That does not mean that I get to/have to do it on my own until I get there. I wanted to know what to do with my future. That’s why I went to YWAM. I unintentionally got those answers from God and decided to take what He gave me and leave. Leave my Father, my savior, who was facilitating amazing changes within me until I got what I wanted. So instead of staying with Him to a point beyond what I could have ever imagined, I left! And I had no idea of my heart posture until tonight
This was an emotional roller coaster, but I really am hoping that my new awareness will help me keep my eyes on Jesus.
Peace. He is risen.
Rainy Ramblings 