But I’m not a YouTuber, and this is a blog.
Hey new readers. I am almost positive that this overly poetic style of my dealing with my emotions was not what you were expecting when you agreed to read this. I am sorry about that, I honestly forgot what this blog was originally used for. I created this site as a means to process difficult emotions with a select group of people. Since then, its shifted however slightly to a recount of all the wacky (usually in a bad way) things going on in YWAM. Because I only really feel the need to process when I am not doing well, all of the bad that I feel gets dumped in here. I am not nearly as bad off as this site makes me seem. I don’t write when I am happy. Writing is a sort of escape for me when I am not doing well, and that is evident here.
That being said, I had already been planning to make a sort of switch with how this site is run before I spontaneously made my deepest darkest parts of my soul available for public consumption. I wanted to write more of all the emotions. I never made a Chaiyaphum post. Chaiyaphum was healing in ways that are decidedly hard to express in words. I will carry my month there with me forever. I have been thriving. I am sorry about this site maybe being misleading. And if you think that I am only posting this so no one worries, that isn’t entirely true. Sure, I AM posting it so no one worries. But nothing that I have said so far has been a lie. I am doing better than it seems. I am doing much better than I was a few months ago. I do believe I am thriving. I’ve learned to rely on YHWH a lot more than I thought was possible, and although that has led to some sad moments (see: Cody), I fully trust that He is leading me in the way that is best. I trust God more than I think I ever have in the past. I hear His voice clearly, I can see what He wants me to do, but more than that, I am willing to do what He wants me to do, even when it isn’t what I would have chosen for myself. This is such a massive step in the right direction for me, and is cause for some serious praise. I’m just sorry I haven’t written about it sooner. I’ve also made some of the best friends maybe ever while here. I am able to be vulnerable in ways that used to be terrifying, but now are as easy as breathing. I am so thankful for the people around me, but a special shoutout to Mama Sarah and Trevor. As well as Ashlin and Maddie.
The biggest thing I think I’ve been slacking off on when it comes to writing is writing about ALL of the cool memories I’ve made. I rode an elephant. I taught 800 or so little Thai kids some English. I accidentally caught a crab (that was today. I screamed so loud I concerned my outreach leaders). Heck, I’m in Thailand and have barely ever mentioned that. The odds of me coming back to do more ministry in Chaiyaphum (a province in the middle of rural Thailand) are surprisingly high. There’s so much more. When I go back to think about my time in YWAM thus far, I will likely think mostly of the good things. Sure, my freak out about one of our hosts getting food poisoning will be memorable. Sarah breaking her arm will be memorable. How long it took me to get settled and comfortable during lecture phase? Memorable. But they most certainly won’t be the most memorable.
I think this site is healthy for me. Even as it is now. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to make some more general life and happiness posts. But I truly think that a large number of people feel the way I feel on occasion, but everyone is too scared to ever say anything because… well, I’m not sure. The adults in my life (one. Mom, I love you and love your concern) were worried. Are worried about me. But this is truly healthier. Instead of fixating on thoughts, I write them and usually after wording them in tangible sentences, the weight of what I wrote about dissipates. If every slightly mentally ill teenager wrote about their feelings as openly as I did, more people would be concerned, but I think those teenagers would be better off as well. Maybe I’m wrong.
Now. What does moving forward look like? As you may have noticed, posts are becoming fewer and farther between. There are two reasons for that. I am busy. All the time. Ministry in Pattaya means I don’t get back home until late at night. But also I am doing better. I don’t have as much to write about. The only four things that have been notable enough to write about would have made any “normal” person sad. Leaving the place I felt like home in, maybe forever, is sad. Or, bittersweet. The memories are beautiful. I am learning to overcome the weight of nostalgia. A weird team conflict (sort of) between my two besties? Other than the fact that I got too involved, I think I responded in a completely normal manner. (Getting too involved in other people’s drama is my worst habit). My mentor while I have been here leaving tomorrow, a month early? You bet your buttons I will be crying like a baby when I give her my last hug. You bet your buttons that I am tearing up now thinking about it. But goodbyes are hard for everyone. I’ll see her again. Listening to God’s direction in a relationship when it hurts both of us involved to do so? Difficult, but so so growing. I haven’t leaned into God this much ever.
So yeah. There is some scattered context. I am so sorry that I didn’t warn you guys about the true nature of this site.
Peace.
-Kiah Rain.
Rainy Ramblings 