Snippets

Ohhhh lets goooo this is back. But it’s not snippets from my journal, just things from my notes app that I didn’t previously have the energy to write about.

Let’s start with what would have happened if I had gone to any other DTS. If I had not been too young, I may have gone to the June DTS. That means I would have been exceptionally close with Jess. I likely would have ended up with Cody. More than likely. I do think it would have been more like Matthew and Ashlin than like Charlie and Naomi. We (Cody) are too jumpy to commit. He liked almost every girl in my DTS before me. I would have likely still been interested in Trevor. Outreach would have probably killed any chance at me coming back for staff. Based on the rather spotty things I have heard about their outreach, I would have not had a good time of it. I would have still met the September DTS that I know and love, but I wouldn’t have known them on near as deep a level. Thinking about who knew June, I would have known Milana, Trevor, and that’s about it to be honest. We were the three that got the closest, albeit to different people. I would never have known the January DTS at all. I would have not gone to Thailand, never have gotten close to Trevor, Mama Sarah, Ashlin, JT, Maddie. It’s strange to think about. They (June) were all super close. I would have still come to know and love good community. I would have still been the youngest. Only Cody would have been my age.

If I had chosen to go to the January DTS (the least likely of these three what if’s), I also believe I would have had a rough go of it. They are not near as community driven as my school was. I would have still gone to Thailand, but I wouldn’t have loved it. I would have still known all of my friends from September, but again, would never have loved them as I do now. I would have gotten closer to Alice, and I am so sure that that would have been even more of a beautiful friendship. Sarah and I would have been close as well. Maybe I would have fallen for one of the guys. Not sure. But I would have kept the same drama focused and divisive attitude from Abilene. I would never have met Cody or Jess, and for better or for worse, I wouldn’t have fallen for Trevor, and probably wouldn’t have ever known Ashlin, simply because she was always with Matthew. I think I wouldn’t have come back because I wouldn’t have had community, I would have had one or two amazing friends.

If I had gone to the September 25 DTS after getting an associates degree. Now that, I can’t be sure about yet. I’ll get to know them during Advance. I am excited. That alone shows how much growth I’ve had, that I’m excited to meet new people as opposed to scared. I would never have known any of my current friends. Only Ethan. Where would I be now. So curious, but I will update this later, when I go back. Wouldn’t have had a blog, a love for cars, or an adventurous spirit, but who knows.

I think the DTS I was a part of was the best possible one for me. And God knew that. Not too few people. A few introverts to keep it balanced (Naomi, Jemima), a Mama Sarah and a Charlie to keep us sane, and a lot of adventurous spirits (Trevor, Ashlin, Ellie) to get us out there. (And the others all brought their own twists to things. JT, Maddie, and Jaque got us musical. Ethan got us talking. Milana kept us cinematic. Matthew was a good friend to everyone.) I became a physical touch person, a person who was down for any adventure, BECAUSE of who I was with. I am eternally grateful for them and how much they did for me.

I had a dream that Milana introduced Trevor to one of her friends, they fell in love, and I had to watch it happen. I woke up heartbroken, and that made me mad. I shouldn’t still be liking this man, even after all of this time, and his many times telling me that I should stop yearning. It’s still here. The good thing about feelings is that they are ignorable. I do not have to give in to the feelings. I can still be his friend. And it is working out just fine.

Trevor and Madison will probably get together this summer. I will have to watch that happen. And I will be ok with it, mostly because I have to be. I shamefully stalk her instagram page a lot. She seems to be a lot like me. Outdoorsy, Jesus loving, not incredibly feminine. The big difference is her boobs, and no, I’m not joking. She is prettier than me. Unfortunately, I believe that if we knew each other in person, we would be best friends. That is what is so hard about this stupid pining. I can’t even ask him about her. He’ll likely know why I’m asking.

I likely shouldn’t care.

I know I shouldn’t care.

I also had a dream about curling up on a faceless person’s legs. I woke up touch starved. Hugged Gilbert, and pulled my blankets a little closer.

I’m scared to like someone else. I don’t know why. I was never like this with Adam, even though I was hopelessly devoted to him for years. But I was never exclusively devoted. I liked Will, Jeremiah, Kreed in that time. With Judah, I liked Jade in that time. All of the crushes overlap. But nothing like that with Trevor. “What about Cody??” Well, devils advocate, I never liked Cody. We already established this. I could have. But I didn’t.

I am scared to go to camp because I don’t want to like anyone else. I am, for whatever reason, committed.

Oh

I have covenanted myself to him.

Well. Would you look at that.

The teachings of Eric always come back.

How do I un-covenant myself to him?

I think I’d have to start by wanting to.

And I don’t think I want to yet.