These are snippets from my outreach journal thus far that I didn’t expand upon in the actual journal because I write in my journal right before bed, and I am dead tired every night, so minimal details for the win.
I know I haven’t been faithful in writing on this page, and I am sorry about that. I’ve been here a week, and so so so much has happened. I should write about that. But that might be another post. Stay tuned. Or don’t. I won’t know anyway.
“And then they were gone. Two months from today, we’ll meet back up here again. Two months.” (December 5) I wasn’t near as sad about the other team leaving as I thought I would be. Perhaps the busyness numbed anything but urgency. I miss them now. But I’m thinking forward, to when we all have to split, and for good. There was a video I saw talking about that feeling of sitting in the airport alone after leaving the place/people that feels like home for the place that you have to call home. That will be me. I’ve been shutting down any thoughts along those lines because I will get consumed by them. However, to keep with the spirit of only processing while writing, I will allow it now (although not too much, I’m in the common room with the rest of my team, so no big sad. Just medium melancholy). I am terrible at keeping in contact with people. I go days without talking to my family. My friends, don’t even ask. The only person that is long distance that I am good at keeping contact with right now is Cody, and thats a very unique situation. I will lose contact with these people. No matter how much I want it to stay like this. I have never felt so loved and immersed in a group of people as I do here. But I will lose contact. I haven’t talked to anyone from the other team since splitting ways two weeks ago. Maybe Team Thailand will do better at staying connected. I hope so.
“I’m tired, all my home people are asleep, no food is safe. But I will adapt and overcome. Somehow” (December 5) Culture shock. Something that we were warned of. Something I was expecting. It’s been an interesting ride, getting used to the way of things here. Some moments, I feel totally at ease and happy, then not five minutes later, something switches, and I feel an incredibly strong urge to GO. Tired: as always. It’s a little stronger here, jet lag is finally starting to go away, my body is adjusted to the time change, the heat is the most oppressive part. I can handle humid heat, but I’m used to a gradual easing into it, not like what I experienced with this. Washington was a chilly 30 degrees, touching down in Bangkok it was a very humid 80. At night. I’m getting used to it, mentally at least. My body hates having to wear pants while it’s so hot, but whatever, it’s ok. All of my home people are asleep: the time zones were the most unexpectedly difficult challenge. I knew in the back of my mind that Thailand is entirely opposite of America, but it was still an adjustment. I can talk to my mom in the early morning and after dinner. I can talk to Cody until around 3:00 in the afternoon. So from 3:00-8:00, I have no contact from anyone in the Americas. I’ve learned to work around that, and to appreciate the times where I rely on my phone less, as I’m not waiting for texts or calls. No food is safe: that hasn’t been near as big a struggle as I thought it was. Night markets still pose a bit of an issue, but other than small lapses, I have been fine. Trevor and Sarah have been immensely helpful in getting me past any of those bumps. I hope I can truthfully say that I have been helpful to them as well. Adapting and overcoming is going well. No adaption is linear, and I have to keep that in mind when I have bad days or nights.
“It’s ok to be human. It’s beautiful to be human. -Trevor” (December 5) Said off hand by one of the more poetic members of this team, and I don’t even remember the context.
“I like blending in, but I will not be able to because of the color of my skin. I do not like being perceived, and this is perception and then some.” (December 6) It isn’t racism. It’s simply curiosity. But I hate people seeing me, especially the wrong me. I think I’ve been blessed to be so socially normal in America. I can blend in well, even if I don’t feel I belong. At least I look like I do. Maybe I understand a lot of things a bit better now. Their stares aren’t malicious, but they still don’t feel good. I think I have found the bright side though: my skin opens up doors to connect more easily with people. It’s an interesting conundrum because on one hand, I would kill to be invisible, but on the other, being seen no matter what I do has made me bold.
“Do I like him or am I just going through the normal motions of what would be expected of me? I feel like I am performing. I wasn’t sure about my feelings, but I pretended that I was. Is this just a ploy to get over Trevor? Am I using him so I feel lovable? Can this actually work? I don’t know him well enough to accurately gauge. I think.. I don’t know. I don’t know what I think. I think I’m confused. I think this is a bad time. I think we are moving too fast. I want to slow down. But I want to speed up. He is a distraction. In more ways than one. There’s nothing I can do about that. I lie” (December 6) whew that was a lot. Good thing I’ve been thinking long and hard about this topic already. I’ll just go through every sentence like I did a few paragraphs ago. I am nothing without lists. Normal motions of expectations: It could be. Maybe. I slipped easily into “this is a talking stage” “situationship” “get to know you” phrasing. Heavy on talking stage. But I also feel that we are being not normal in how we are going about things. Maybe I am slipping into what I think are expectations, but I’ve never done anything like this before. I’d rather go based on at least minor factual information than my own lack of it. So short story long, yes. But that isn’t a bad thing. It’s no less real if I’m being normal. Performing: hmm. I feel like this a lot about most things. That should worry me, and it does a bit. Imposter syndrome is no joke. But it doesn’t worry me in just this situation. I should maybe communicate some of this instead of writing about it in a sort of public blog, but thats ok. Being a maybe autistic theatre kid, it’s entirely too easy to slip on masks at will. But a lot of my masks are down with him. Not all. By no means all. No one gets that. And I can’t even truthfully say most are down. But I’m getting there. And I have to remember that it’s ok to not show all of myself to people. There are things he hasn’t shown me. That doesn’t make either of us fake. Unsure of my feelings: that is true. There is a reason I worded the initial confession the way I did. “I think I might like you too.” Yeah. I’m not sure how to put a twist on this. I wasn’t sure. I’m not wholly sure. I think if we had been given more time in person, I would have been sure. I think as we continue to talk, and I continue to think and pray, my feelings slowly develop. But I also don’t think I have to be completely sure yet. It’s not going far yet. Get over Trevor: no. No. Well. Ugh. How much do I want to share. All of it I guess. Flash back to a certain movie night where I still sort of liked Trevor, and Cody was a little blip on my radar. Trevor and Jess were cuddling. I was jealous. Maybe not of Jess, maybe not that I wasn’t the object of Trevor’s affection, maybe just the physical touch in general. So I connected with Cody. The next day, he connected with me. And a switch flipped, oh maybe I’m not just using him to fill a pitiful hole in my life, maybe I actually like him. But then he left. And that was that, or so I thought. Flash back forward to now. I do not in any way see Trevor in any romantic light. Any rose colored glasses that I may have had before are gone, crushed to dust. And I still think I like Cody. I still text and call him almost daily. I regret that anything I had was started out of jealousy. But I am happy that it didn’t stay that way. And I want to say that with more time and a slightly different twist on events, we would have ended up where we are now, without my poor motivation. (Still thinking of the foggy memories of the prayer burn, I’m not going to elaborate, but I’m putting this in here as a reminder to think about that moment a bit more.) lovable: no. If I were using him for that, then I would actually feel lovable. It sounds cynical, and I know I am lovable, it’s just the romantic lovability that is so foreign. I don’t think I need to elaborate this one. It’s a no, plain and simple. Can this actually work? Thats the question. Thats one that I can’t answer, no matter how much I want to. Only time will tell. Or God. But He’s not usually in the business of flat out telling me if something will work out or not. Maybe Cody liking me is Gods way of saying it will work. Or maybe I’m jumping the gun because it’s the first person who I am interested in that is also interested in me. I hope it works out. I can’t see a future with us. But that doesn’t mean anything. I could see a future with a lot of people it didn’t work out with. Maybe I like the feeling of uncertainty. It’s a good uncertainty. I don’t know him well enough: true. And I flat out said that. So now we are trying to get to know each other. It’s slow going. But it’s going. And that is all that matters. You don’t know people overnight. Bad time: probably. DTS outreach is not a good time to be navigating the start of a potential relationship. But maybe it’s a good time too. He doesn’t consume my mind and my thoughts because I’m so busy, and on a different world (time zone) from him. This is much healthier. Too fast: no. Maybe. We’re moving slow for YWAM relationships for sure. Maybe it would be considered fast to some people. I’ve known my California boy less than two months. A month really. But its certainly felt like longer. YWAM time and calling a lot will do that to ya. Too slow: nah. Maybe I want to put a title to it. “Yeah this is my boyfriend” and do all the things like putting him as my Lock Screen and pinning our conversations and no longer saying I’m single. Maybe it’s not a maybe. I do want that. I do want those things. But I also know that I’m not mature enough yet. I need to have a solid relationship with Christ (and boy does it pain me to write that. I have subconsciously believed that if God would just give me a guy, a relationship with Him would be easier. Thats not how it works. It’s actually the opposite. Realizing that and waking in it are unfortunately not the same thing.) I need to mature more. I need to figure out myself before I figure out myself “and-“ I don’t want to. If he asked me to be his girlfriend, I would say yes. But somewhere in me, I wouldn’t be ready. That doesn’t mean I don’t want him to ask. Distraction in more ways than one: yeah, I’m not entirely sure where this was going when I initially wrote it. Distraction from outreach yeah. Thats sort of true, but I don’t honestly think I’ve been incredibly distracted. It’s only a “problem” in bits of downtime, but since downtime is my own, I think it’s ok for me to do with what I want to. I think the other part of distraction had to do with what I wrote about earlier, so I’ll just leave it at that.
“I think given the choice between having food being safe and taking down the language barrier, I would choose the latter. Growth. Or regression in another form.” (December 6). Again, not sure what I meant by that. The regression part I mean. I think I was just overstimulated in the car and frustrated by the inability to use my greatest weapon: my words.
“I shut down” (December 6). I have a mattress on the floor as opposed to a bed frame. I have the floor as opposed to drawers. I was insanely upset the first day. Frankly, I think that was ok. I didn’t dwell (much) and I honestly prefer how I have it now. I went into problem solving mode after spiraling for only a bit of time. That is so much growth.
“I can’t get away from the feeling that it’s temporary. That I’ll mess it up or something. My feelings fluctuate on this dramatically. I’m grinning like a fool.” (December 7) my California boy. Again. Theres not much to expand on, I sort of already did.
“I’m confused as to why YHWH brought me here. I think I would have been a better fit at Cambodia” (December 7). Cambodia has rigidity and structure. I don’t thrive in that. But I always start off better in that. I no longer think he sent me to the wrong place, but that was a very real thought of mine throughout the first week of outreach. I’m glad I am where I am.
“I need to actually do some thinking, instead of vague hints in my journal” (December 8) heyyy thats what this is for. I have a nasty habit of only writing the bare essentials in my journal because I’m too tired for anything else. This blog is supplementary.
“I think I hate goodbyes so much, I’ll do selfish things to avoid them.” (December 9) Sarah had to leave for Bangkok, with no hint of her return. And I avoided her. I didn’t help her pack, I tried to disappear when she said goodbye. Does this make me a bad person, or just a broken one?
“He’s cute. He needs to grow his hair out.” (December 9) No need for expanding this thought. It’s in here for one person, and one person only.
“He seems willing to wait for me. I don’t know. Now isn’t the time to process” (December 9) gee thanks past Kiah. Now I have to process it. I sort of think I already did. We both agreed initially that neither of us were ready. See above for my thoughts on that.
“I feel guilty about yesterday.” (December 9) I felt bad for not being there for Sarah when she was hurting. Something in my mind twisted the innocence of me walking cluelessly into a situation and asking others to play volleyball because I simply didn’t notice. I felt that really strongly then, and if I’m being entirely real, I still feel it. Not as heavily. But it’s there. The guilt not even for not being there, but FOR being there. And doing the wrong thing.
“Skinny goals. Bro. I really sound like I have an ED. This is not ok.” (December 10) Food avoidance because of emetaphobia is still an ED, but I see what I was getting at.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so clueless about the inner workings of my own mind before.” (December 10) In hindsight, I had so much processing that I needed to do urgently, what with Sarah, culture shock, Cody, time. And I had done none of it.
“Is it real or perceived helplessness?” (December 10) Neither. Its learned. I was told I wasn’t able to do certain things, or tried them once and failed, so now I am helpless.
“I’m still an ‘unprocessed mass of unreflected experiences’”. (December 11) shoutout Katie for that quote. I apparently start to shut down if I don’t write to process. Interesting. How quickly I’ve come to rely on this page as an outlet.
“Ate 5 chicken nuggets, not thinking that other people would want them. No one is letting me live it down, and I know they mean it in good fun, but… Rusts I’m such a baby” (December 11) hmm. Trevor is the only one still not letting me live it down. I would be fine with that because I pester him about his shower stuff, but with what happened last night, I’m even more ready for the joke to die.
“Trevor put me on cajon for the last song. Never again. I don’t play for a reason.” (December 11) Its so interesting how that has stuck with me. I wonder if this world was Life is Strange, if when Trevor made that comment all those months ago, “This action will have consequences” played above his head.
“We’re both sort of cooked, very confused twins. (December 11). It’s interesting having someone to bounce thoughts off of that is going through the same thing.
“I can imagine envisioning a future with him, but I’m not to the envisioning part yet.” (December 11). This sounded a lot better in my head I think. Basically, I can see myself getting to a point where I can actually think about a future with Cody, but I can’t actually think about a future with him yet, just the fact that it could happen.
“As per usual, I will keep this part as brief as possible in a feeble attempt to control the narrative.” (December 14.) I was not having it yesterday. I tend to try and leave those bits out.
“Why don’t I let myself feel positive emotions?” (December 14). This is only when I’m spiraling. But it is a good question. People were trying to cheer me up. I would start to laugh at something, then catch myself and force it away. I think when I am in the midst of it, it feels never ending. The problem is, that is not a good place to be. Before too long, those thoughts of “there is no where for me to go. I will never have purpose. I’m not ready for staff. I will never be ready for staff. Since my life has no purpose and I will never be happy, I should just end it now.” Usually once the spiral reaches that point, I’m so shocked by my own mind, I snap out of it, at least partially. So calm down, dear reader. I’m not at risk of killing myself, just pondering it. Not necessarily seriously. It feels serious in the moment, but give it a couple minutes, and I’ll look at her with shame.
“There is an undeniable sense of wrongness that permeates my very being.” (December 14). I lied to my mom when she asked what I meant by this. There is something very wrong with me. Not everyone feels this way. Or acts this way. Or thinks this way. Something in me is corrupted.
“Don’t get hurt. To quote. I keep thinking of all the ways that this could end badly, and usually find I don’t care. My pain will become the most beautiful poetry. And if there is no pain, that is poetry in itself.” (December 14) IDK I think I ate with that. I keep getting flashes of it ending not well with my California boy. And that does scare me. I don’t think it will happen that way, but anything is possible. But instead of picturing the hurt, I kept picturing the words that would come of it. Something in me is so off.
Not a quote, just a happening. I was going through the routine of teasing Trevor about a certain thing, as he does with me about the stupid chicken nuggets, and Drew snaps at me. It took me off guard. If I had had my guard up, I would have taken it in stride and laughed it off. But my guard was down. So I got up and walked out. I cried. The first time I’ve been able to cry in a long time, and it was over something as stupid as that????
Ok sorry for how long this is, I clearly haven’t written in a few days. This is about two and a half hours of nonstop writing, if you were curious about the timing and all that.
Songs I listened to while writing: Sailor Song (Gigi Perez). A life worth dying (josiah queen). Helen (Elias Hix). Strawberry Wine (Noah Kahan). The entire Nurture album by Porter Robinson. The sound of dogs growling. Not strong enough (phoebe bridgers). Boy (passion mango)
Rainy Ramblings 