Something

I was crashing out last night and decided to make the wise and grown up decision to not write until I was in a better mindset, because we all know how that went last time.

Speaking of we.

Someone is here. On this page.

I don’t know who it is.

I know who it’s NOT. It’s not Trevor (his vow means a lot, he doesn’t break promises easily.) and it’s not Charlie (he’s still in Australia). So if it was you, and you’re back again and reading this, make yourself known. I need to know who is reading this.

If it’s Jeremiah, I’m sorry for unsubscribing you from the emails. It was not personal. It was a step that I think needed to be taken.

I went through all of my photos, all of my blog posts from lecture phase, and am starting to go through my notes from lectures. It’s a lot. The notes are all about community. Makes more sense when I’m reminded that community is not just suggested, but mandatory if you want to have a good Christian walk. It makes sense that I am struggling.

Also I’m reading Leviticus, and that certainly can’t help.

I think I should reassure Charlie that I am not actively planning to kill myself. I don’t know how much he would believe me.

The routine I have built here is suffocating and lonely. Boring. I work nine hours a day, from either 7-4 or 10-7, come home, and don’t leave my room. On my days off, I just stay in my room some more. I am itching to get away. I love the people at my job, I’m glad they so willingly took me back, but I am going crazy. I stand in one place, never moving, all day every day. I used to look up to and admire old people, but as old people are the main customers at the store, and they are all either the grouchiest cows known to man, or so sickly they could keel over at any moment, I am once again scared to age. The married couples I see in the store scare me too. Did they choose to come here, or did they simply get stuck? It’s very easy to get stuck here.

I have to remember that this isn’t permanent, and that the time will fly. That the money I am making is going to fuel my next adventures. That I won’t get stuck.

It’s hard.

The weeks are slow and the days are slower.

I have one day off next week.

Camp will be respite. But I know. I won’t be able to stop the comparisons. “It’s not like last year. It’s not like YWAM. It’s only a month so how close can we really get? What impact are we really making? Why are we calling this missions?” Woah that last one sounded very Conner King. Full circle moment. Dude. I’d like to sit through those lectures again and see if I wouldn’t get as upset this time. I get it now. I understand.

I’m trying to be intentional with my family while I’m here. Because I think when I leave for Advance, I won’t be coming back like this. Ever. I’ve started telling people that I’m moving to Washington. For good. I need my trees.

Leviticus is a wack book. I want to talk about it with someone. I’ve been trying to annotate it so that section of my Bible won’t be so barren, and annotating it has only made it seem more weird.

I was tweaking last night because I fear I messed everything up. As I was going through photos, I saw screenshots of previous conversations, and just. Pictures that brought back memories. Trevor and I were close. Were. I messed that up. I said that I’d never stopped liking him, all that bull, but as I was looking at pictures, thinking, processing (finally), I don’t know if that was fully true. As I have said before. I don’t have friends. He is the closest friend I have ever had. I think that everybody is a little in love with their friends, and not in a romantic way. I was confused. That confusion tends to ruin things.

If I had written about this last night, I would have gone on and on. Transcribing my thoughts directly to paper. “I f***ed it all up. Like I do literally every time. Every relationship turns out like this. I am a destroyer of good things.” Blah. I don’t believe that. Now. I did yesterday. I’m not sure how that works.

He told me to stop thinking of him as my future husband.

Is it embarrassing to admit that that was a wake up call?

Yes.

My mom says all the wrong things. I’ve stopped talking about him as much, and she thinks that I’ve lost my husband. She thinks “give it a few years.” And she tells me as much.

As of this moment, I am ok. I am not covenanted to him in my heart, he isn’t my future husband, I would go so far as to say that I don’t have a crush on him. Right now. I am in a good headspace. That is subject to change.

I miss my best friend.

I’m trying to get Maddie or JT to come to camp. Why are plane tickets so expensive? I just want someone from YWAM to see what shaped me. And I want to see my friends again.

“Hated by the one person I want to talk to. Not really though. Could I be bipolar?” Trevor does not hate me, nor is he the only person I want to talk to. I’m excited to call Maddie this week, and once DBS starts, I’ll get to see pictures of a lot of my friends again. The bipolar part. I don’t think so. My highs aren’t high enough. I did a bit of digging though, what brings on rapid and unusually violent mood swings. Another symptom of ADHD. Along with the rejection thing from all of my life. Really though, what would a diagnosis do for me? i guess give me answers, and I guess help me know that it’s not all my fault I’m like this. But is that worth the money? Nah.

Brooks had a talk with me. I didn’t want an argument so I agreed with everything he said. Verbally. This cycle will continue. Until next time.

Hmm. I always think I have more to write about, but it always slips my mind when the time comes.

Farewell.