We have an unexpected amount of down time today. Alyssa is down with food poisoning (or that is what we are being told.) I think I may have a touch of whatever she has, but I’m living life. Currently listening to a video essay, reading books, eyeing my Zofran, and overthinking any sensation in my stomach. I dumped my water out last night in fear of contamination, but refilling it this morning was no issue. Ashlin is at the desk in the corner of the room, journaling. Maddie was on her bed sleeping a moment ago, I don’t know where she is now. I took a break from reading four separate books (Walking with Frodo, The Way of Kings, The Two Towers, Mistborn) to write whatever this is. All things considered, I’m not doing too poorly with this round of stomach issues. Overanalyzing everything, but it’s not all consuming.
Mama Sarah left a few days ago. I’m ok now. I miss her, I miss the peace and stability she provided. My mind has connected her leaving and the maybe food poisoning (she did a large portion of the cooking). The day she left was rough. I was crying off and on all day, to the point that I couldn’t really say goodbye to her, and I had to shut down my emotions to function at ministry. When we got back from ministry I processed and was ok. I have good friends here who seem to know exactly what to do to help. I never thought I would be blessed with friendships THIS rich. It’s fantastically beautiful, and a good picture of healthy Godly community. Mama Sarah is safely back in the States and hopefully on the road to recovery with her arm.
It feels like we should be going home so soon, and yet we are still in Thailand for another three weeks. Outreach has gone by a lot quicker than lecture phase did. I feel at home here. Not in Pattaya. But Chaiyaphum felt right. I wonder what it would look like for me to come back. I did promise myself and YHWH that I wouldn’t really think about the future until I’m back in Lynden, so this is something to ponder later.
The next chunk is snippets taken from my journal and expanded upon to further process. There’s a high chance some of them will be sad.
“I decided I would live unapologetically today” (December 27). This stemmed from me wearing a neon pink Saree to one of the schools we taught English at. It was a little childish, not to me, to the people I was with. It was fun though. When else will I get the chance to wear a super glittery Saree with not many stares? I’m almost certain I was wearing it wrong, but it worked.
“I was shaking. Interesting” (December 27). I’m not usually one to get stage fright when it involves theatre. My years of being a theatre kid have taken away most of that aspect of social anxiety. However, I was told to improv an intro to a Nativity skit we were doing for a school’s Christmas program. When I can’t hide behind a Character, it’s a little more scary. It didn’t go poorly, but I was terrified. It’s a good thing that microphones don’t falter with mild shaking…
“I didn’t think the prayer was a good idea. I didn’t say anything though, and they dismissed Sarah’s concerns, so the prayer happened.” (December 27). Still at the Christmas program. Thailand is predominantly Buddhist. For context. Our team wanted to do a salvation prayer that the students could repeat. It sounds good in theory. It may even be good in some contexts. But I felt (feel) that this was not the time. These students know nothing about Jesus besides what we told them in the course of 10 minutes, and they will have no opportunity to know more about Him, maybe ever. Maybe I am wrong. But alter calls with no accountability or context typically do more harm than good (at least in my life.) These kids did not understand what they were repeating. We as a team agreed to commit to relationship before most anything else. I think we all forgot about that.
Zombie. (December 27). Trevor and JT went onstage with a band of kids and sang Zombie. Spontaneously. It was beautiful.
“Sarah and I yapped about how we did stuff today mostly. Breaking our first and main value on our mission statement, which by the way, we haven’t looked at once since it was made. We talked about how I’ve hit the point of fatigue where I get no filter. She said that’s a superpower if I use it right. It keeps things real.” (December 27) My seemingly unique perspective on life is interesting to work with. It adds spice and pushes for change, but it puts me in hard situations. I do not like confrontations at ALL, and stating my usually opposing opinions is a form of confrontation. Sarah pushed me to speak my mind. I have been trying, but not too hard. I’m more content to just let what happens happen.
“The British dude seemed happy. I think he misses white people.” (December 28). I met a British man who speaks only English. He is married to a Thai woman. Chaiyaphum is the most unreached (by tourists/foreigners) province in Thailand. This man likely does not meet English speakers on the regular. It makes me wonder how I would do if I did go back. Unless I was staffing a DTS outreach, I would likely be alone, or with only a few other people. It would certainly be a lot different than what I have experienced. A team of nine is a lot different than a team of one.
“Apparently that was too much comparison.” (December 30). Interesting bit of conflict between me and one of the leaders. We had been talking about debrief, and I asked if the packet that we would be filling out would be as long as the packet that the June DTS had filled out at the end of their DTS. The leader snapped. We had apparently comparing our team with Cambodia, June, Kona, too much. I don’t see it. Maybe I am biased because I’m the person who was making the comments. I honestly don’t see that it was comparison as much as just. Talking.
“He basically asked “so… are we official?’ I hesitated. ‘I know what I want. But I already decided to leave it up to you.’ I think he hoped I would say yes. But. I knew. Know. It’s not time. ‘I love you. I think that’s what this is.’ I fear I sat in stunned silence. I did not say it back. I would have. But I had just decided that it was too early… we can talk after DTS. Maybe in 2 years, we’ll do a DBS together. I said 2 years is a long time to be in a talking stage. He faltered. ‘God’s timing.’ … I later settled downstairs for some semblance of aloneness. Prayed. Asked God if I could… ‘No.’ firm. Set. The first He’s spoken to me in months. I started sobbing. I wasn’t mad at God. I was sad with the situation. I am amazed that I made the right decision.” (December 30)
This doesn’t need much processing. It makes me sad. God’s timing hurts me sometimes. But I’m sure I would be more hurt if I had gone against that.
“I told Ashlin and Trevor that they are the friends I’ve prayed for for years.” (January 1) Rusts I love these people. I haven’t been this close to anyone ever. This is lovely.
“Yapped with Maddie and Mama Sarah, it put me in a funky mood, so I left.” (January 1). We talked about the secrets. Everywhere, on every level. Cambodia did not know about Sarah’s arm, or at least how bad it was, until Ashlin told Matthew, and Matthew relayed the information. That’s not even the half of it, that’s just what started the conversation. But I may or may not dig deeper, it’s a wacky topic to delve into.
“We all ate together. I realized it was our last meal in Chaiyaphum. The family all said individual thanks, but everyone slowly dissolved into tears. Nation started bawling. So did I. She kept making little choked sobbing sounds while we prayed; only causing me to cry harder. I can’t bear to leave this place. This felt more like home than anything else. I only cried this hard when I left Abilene. The parallels.” (January 2) I left a part of me in that cafe. With that family. In that village. Nan: I loved your chefs hat, your joy, and your energy. Raem: I loved your willingness, your flexibility, and your kindness. Tip: I loved your strength, your persistence, and your helpfulness. Asia: I loved your playfulness, your creativity, and your eagerness. Matthew: I loved your “you stinky, go take shower”, your playfulness, and your spunk. And Nation: I loved your warmth, your FIRE haircut, and your readiness for just about anything. Oh and I can’t forget Chelsea. I will always remember your Cat carrier. (Chelsea was a dog.) Live laugh love Chaiyaphum.
“I tried to get some journaling done, but instead spiraled into insanity.” (January 2) There is no need for context, this is just silly.
“Our reaction to seeing white people other than ourselves for the first time in a month was silly.” (January 3) This is also just silly.
“Night market. Very bad. Too many people. 0/10.” (January 3) Overstimulation goes crazy. It never really got that way in Chaiyaphum. I am not built for city life.
“I told Cody… oh. Wow. I told Cody I love him. What do I do now?” (January 3). This was big. This IS big. I struggle to tell people that I love them. I admire Eden’s mindset of “we don’t say it enough, so I say it all the time.” I love it, and I have started to follow that worldview in some aspects, but not most. “I love you” is sacred and special. I don’t want to say it and not mean it, or say it and regret it. Being where I am now, the question could be posed: do I regret telling Cody I love him? And the answer is simple. No. Even if I’m still confused about whatever the heck is going on, even if God is realigning my focus to be on Him at the moment. That doesn’t make the love less real.
“Our contact. He’s silly goofy, but said something interesting about the last team.” (January 4) I have already written about this. He is a great man, and I trust him now. It simply took a week longer than it could have.
“Walked past a ton of bars. A lot of brothels. It made me sad. Some were more subtle about it than others. One tall Thai girl stood out to me. Shining green skin tight clothes, high ponytail. What is her story?” (January 4). These blatant displays of lust for sale disgust me. I can’t help think of the girls within the system. Do they feel trapped in it, or free? How could they not feel trapped? How do they not see the alternate options? (I know the answer to that, I just don’t feel like pondering it right now.)
“I’m trying, and likely failing, to hide my tears. The vulnerability of Thursday night is gone. They left so fast, barely a goodbye.” (January 5) I do not cry in front of other people. Only continues to show how comfortable I was in Chaiyaphum I suppose.
“Trevor and Ashlin were very protect our people focused; Sarah, Maddie, and I were very focused on the women in the brothels.” (January 5). It’s cool to see where people’s priorities lie. We accidentally walked down a sketchy street with a lot of brothels. Ashlin was focused on keeping the kids with us together and accounted for. Trevor was in the back, watching everyone. Sarah was saying hello and looking people in the eyes. Everyone deserves that decency. Maddie was contemplating for maybe the first time that these girls didn’t choose this. And I was mourning these girls and the dreams that they could have. All so different, but all others focused.
“I went through my old notes about relationships.” (January 5). I should make a post at some point of just the fire takeaways from lecture phase, because YHWH is still speaking through those notes.
“Asked if Cody is doing good with God. ‘No.’ I asked why. He wouldn’t tell me, and changed the subject. I narrowed it down to three possibilities. One much more likely than the others. Rusts. All guys are the exact storming same.” (January 5) I will not be going into what those possibilities are. It’s not my place. Even if I don’t share this section with anyone but Cody, that’s still something I bring up directly. And to clarify, I do not in fact believe all guys are the same. The biggest problem with using writing as a tool to process when you let others read your work is that I write every thought that crosses my mind, regardless of whether or not I fully believe it.
“He loves me because he loved YWAM. He’s using me as motivation to try and better himself. God is screaming not right now, and I’ve been saying ok, but then doing everything besides crossing that line of making it official. I need to listen to God. I think Cody and I need to take a break. Until I’m off of outreach.” (January 5) I’m not sure if I believe this or not. Maybe I do. Or at least partially do. If it is the case, I do not fault him for it. And in regards to the second half of the snippet, God found me. And it was in fact more painful than it needed to be. Likely for both me and Cody.
“I-I called Cody. I broke things off. For now. Does this count as a breakup? I’m not sure. No. He didn’t say much. I was pretty emotionless. His mom walked in in the middle. I was hugging Gilbert like a lifeline. Hung up. Stumbled outside, didn’t even make it to the Crow’s Nest before breaking down. Sobbing. Loud cries and simultaneous prayer. I haven’t made noise when I cry in years. I understand but it’s not fair, I don’t want your gold, I want Cody. But I know it’s not right. Shut off my emotions because if I’m distracted on Outreach because of this, all I did was make new problems.” (January 6). Gilbert is my stuffed dinosaur. The call didn’t go well, and in an attempt to not cry, I shut down. Gold: the story I’ve referenced in two separate posts. And the distraction: there. Notably and unfortunately. But its been growing me, and we (me and YHWH) are working through it.
“I’m so terrified that this will send him into a tailspin. His depression is already bad. Or, since he’s not right with God, telling him the reason might make him turn away. But ultimately it’s not up to me. Cody has to choose God on his own. I can’t be God for him.” (January 6). If this has made things worse, he hasn’t shown it. I hope he isn’t hiding this if it is the case. We call once a week. Connect those for me, dear reader(s), I’m too tired now.
“You know the journal entry is going to be juicy if I start it with a massive sigh.” (January 6). Another one for the giggles.
“Told Sarah everything and then more. I love her so much. I’m glad she is willing to listen, and I’m so glad she stayed.” (January 6). This aged well. (Sarah went home on Monday)
“He just poured his love on me, and I don’t think it would have been that way if I hadn’t made that hard scary terrible decision. He didn’t force my hand, He didn’t force me to give up Cody. He simply suggested it and let me make the decision on my own.” (January 7). This sounds so sick and twisted now. In the moment it was profound.
“Got that Abraham core up in here.” (January 7). God asking Abraham to sacrifice Isaac and all that. Anyone that reads this is smart. You guys can put it together without me spelling it out.
“Sarah is probably leaving. She didn’t tell me. Walls back up. Everyone always leaves. She promised me she would be there but she lied. Rusts. This doesn’t bode well.” (January 7). I was not a happy camper for a few days there.
“Peak YWAM moment. None of us could speak each other’s languages, but we connected anyway.” (January 7). I (english only speaker), My Name (Thai only speaker), and random Russian boy were playing together for probably 30 minutes. It was very cool. Core memory for sure.
“I did promise to take a step back, so I’ll have to stick to that.” (January 7). Taking a step back worked!! Who knew that not micromanaging other people is actually better for the situation at large?!
“I miss Cody. More than I thought. A lot more than I thought. God knew what He was doing.” (January 7) Simple enough.
“He starts lecturing (more for himself than for us I fear.)” (January 8). The North Cascades social media team has posted the other outreach team twice, and us none. I was not too pressed about it. I had my one minute of fame over new years. But drew heard a few of us talking about it and gave us a stern talking to. (Do not take this as me disliking drew. I just hate stern talking to’s: warranted or not.)
“Sarah is leaving. I tried not to cry. Left for the Crow’s Nest right away. Bawled. Sarah said ‘you don’t have to talk to me’ and shamefully, I haven’t. I don’t want to.” (January 8) Unhappy camper spam incoming. Also, not talking to people because you’re mad at a situation is a jerk move. Don’t be like Kiah.
“It was supposed to be gratitude. But all I felt was bitter. I need to reconnect with God. I had a good connection for a few days until the drop of Sarah, the missing of Cody.” (January 8). Poor kiah lives such a hard life.
“I just do NOT want to be here. This is an interesting development. Ethan and Ashlin felt it too. I for real am so done.” (January 9) MInistry here is significantly more draining. Thats all I have to say on this matter.
“This late night away from Base stuff is going to cause me to crash out.” (January 9) See above.
“We get out and get yelled at. I get why, we were too much. But if they had asked us directly, we would have stopped and saved everyone the trouble.” (January 9). See a few snippets above. (When I don’t write for this long, stuff gets repetitive)
“We are being treated like high schoolers on their first missions trip.” (January 9) Period.
“Raem offered to let Sarah come back alone to get her outreach credit BEFORE she had even decided to leave.” (January 9). This is cool. Nan and Raem are so connected with YHWH, it’s beautiful and so so cool.
“Nightmares. They sensed bad things over this house. This city.” (January 9). See above.
“Alyssa sneezed while she had a bite in her mouth. That bite landed on my hand. I tried to laugh it off, but said ‘I have to leave’. Later. ‘I try to understand your food stuff but it’s hard.’” (January 10). This was just a weird situation that I do not appreciate. The comment that was made off handedly made me feel unseen and uncared for, even if that was never the intention.
“Drew made a wack comment when asked why June went to South America. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ So that sent me into a rabbit hole. Secrets. So many secrets.” (January 10) I will not be going into this rabbit hole here. But just know: I hate secrets, and North Cascades is chock full of them.
“I shared the blog. What have I done.” (January 11) Hellooooo. I don’t regret it as much as I maybe should.
“It was hard to know what to pray for.” (January 12) Walking Street. A street that only exists for pleasure. Cannabis shops, bars, clubs, and an abundance of brothels and strip clubs. I knew what I was going into and I was still shocked.
“Mom texted and the day turned surreal. She’s worried about the blog. Not appropriate for supporters, advertised in a bright and cheery way, but then it’s super dark. She thinks I’m worse than I am, because of course she does, I never said any differently. She doesn’t believe me, so she’s reaching out to Trevor. I’m reacting better this time. Maybe because I chose this.” (January 12) pretty self explanatory. My bad yall.
“It’s so interesting, ending up here with him after lecture phase. I fear he knows me better than anyone right now.” (January 12) If you had told me at the beginning of lecture phase that Trevor would be my best friend on outreach phase, I would have been giddy for all the wrong reasons. I was in such a different headspace then.
“I was locked in, so I didn’t get overwhelmed. They gave me a task, so that helped.” (January 12) Night Market take two went much better.
“I didn’t eat the chicken. Foreshadowing of what the rest of outreach without Mama Sarah will be like perhaps.” (January 13). HA I write this as Alyssa has severe food poisoning, and I have a touch.
“I want to run away from goodbyes.” (January 13). I ran away from parts of Sarah’s goodbye. And I regret it. But I cherish what I did stay for.
“Mama Sarah was safe.” (January 13) mama Sarah is safe.
“I sat sullenly. He noticed. ‘Are you ok?’ I will be. ‘What about right now?’ I shrugged. He gave me a hug. It helped.” (January 13) It’s a strange thing, to be seen.
“I finally successfully turned my emotions off, he asked when I would turn them back on. I said thats the issue. I don’t control that. But it worked.” (January 13) I discovered this little trick of disassociating from hard things back in sophomore year. Coincidentally right around the time I discovered depression. That little trick is far from fool proof, and should not be used often.
“Her pillow smelled like her.” (January 13). Pulled the movie character thing where they go and smell the article of clothing from a loved one. But Sarah isn’t dead, just on a different continent.
“It was team time. I sat in my corner and stared into space. It was a ‘day things about Mama Sarah that you’ll miss’. But I was not, and am not, ready. So I said the bare minimum. Trevor looked on in concern. I was mostly fine. Just. I don’t like getting emotional in front of most people.” (January 14) simple enough.
“Time to completely block Mama Sarah from my memory until we get back to Lynden.” (January 14). This is a joke. Mostly. No, it is a joke.
“I think I need to remember the original agreement.” (January 15). Uh ohhhh Kiah didn’t listen to God.
“I can’t back down on what YHWH told me just because it’s hard.” (January 15). Uhhh ohhhhhhhh
“I wonder how much of a prayer buffer Mama Sarah provided.” (January 15). We’ve been noticeably more off since she left, but it’s been energy levels, so nothing she could directly affect.
“I miss Cody. I’m so rusting cooked.” (January 15) Enough said. But I made the right decision, and I need to stick by it. It even has a time limit. Three weeks is nothing.
And there is is folks. The first official post since sharing this page with the oddest assortment of people imaginable. I hope you enjoyed 😛
My writing soundtrack: The Dream and Tommyinnit Situation (random video essay on youtube). Knee Deep (Zac Brown Band). Knock (Brook and the Bluff). Kountry Gentleman (Family Force 5). Labour- bedroom demo (Paris Paloma). Another video essay… Lap Dance is so much better when the Stripper is Crying (Judah, when I catch you Judah). Last Goodbye (Jeff Buckley). Longer (the Cranberries). Lion Man (Ghost Ship). A Little Change of Pace (BRook and the bluff). A little melody (renowned Warrior). Loneliest Girl in the World (Noah Floersch). LongCat (Hiatus Kaiyote). Long Hot Night (Adam Weishaar). Long limbs (brook and the bluff). Long long while (nick folwarczny). Lord of all (Noah Paul Harrison). An ASMR livestream on TIktok.
Rainy Ramblings 