Most people struggle with thinking that they’re not enough. I am and have always been the opposite. I am too much. I stifle people. Overwhelm them. And even if someone denies it, my mind still finds ways to twist that into something worse. I wonder if that will ever change. I read my childhood journal the other day. I was able to bounce back from things so much better as a child. I was left out, excluded, bullied almost constantly, and yet it was never more than a passing mention. I think all of the emotions that I avoided feeling then have decided to take root in my thoughts and affect my relationships now. I can’t call it trauma if it didn’t affect me then. I can’t call it trauma if it was literally just not having friends. Being excluded isn’t traumatic. I’m just dramatic. I can’t use that as an excuse. I’m not a good friend. Maybe I never have been.
Seeleen’s Instagram this morning made me realize what it’s like from the other side. I no longer fault my mother for her reaction to this page. It makes me glad I’ve stopped writing as much. I can’t help a little girl when I’m struggling with the same stuff.
This post is for attention. I know that. Anyone reading it knows that. And yet I post it anyway. Adding further evidence to the heaping pile of it already stirring around inside my mind. I am too much.
This was a crash out from last night (April 2).
Rainy Ramblings 