Like a DOG I tell you. I am a wounded dog returning again and again to the person who has released me for my own good.
Anyway. I just needed a clever title.
I’m ok today. I’ve been ok these past few days. I’m not sure what was up last week. Hormones. Depression. Spiritual warfare. Delayed processing or grief. Whatever it was, it’s over now. Even though it always feels never ending in the midst, I’m ok now. Unfortunately my ruined image to both Charlie and Trevor are evidence of my episode. Charlie likely thinks I’m more spastic than I usually am. Trevor and I have stopped talking. (That’s the biggest regret.) I no longer have a TikTok account, although that is a very good thing. I have some new scars. I may not be suicidal (really) but that doesn’t stop the other harmful coping mechanisms from popping up from time to time. That has been taken care of. And if I thought people still read this, I wouldn’t have mentioned it. Brooks and I are no longer friends. This time feels more permanent, and I think I chose that. I tore down a lot of my life in a week, let me tell ya. Maybe they were good things to tear down.
I’ve been putting writing things in my notes app again, things I want to delve into further. So let’s do that.
Ruined for the ordinary in more ways than one. Right. So that is a YWAM phrase, basically saying you are changed after a DTS. It will be hard to do normal human things after. This resonates more now than I ever really thought it would. Working a job that has no lasting impact on anything in the world, making little bucks and littler memories is not what I want to be doing with my life. I had this job, this life, before DTS, and I don’t remember it being so hard. I have lived so much life since then, this simply isn’t satisfactory anymore. I don’t think it has to be either. I am in a state of limbo, and even though it seems like a long time, it is still six months. I did some math, and the same time would pass from right now to the first day of Advance and the first full day of DTS and flying out of Portland. That is a long time, but it will pass. I’m sure I will be heartbroken to leave again, knowing that this time is a bit more permanent. Friends. Brooks got mad at me for something. Already got into that. But I didn’t make an effort to get him back. This is terrible. I know. But I had Godly friends that had my best interests at heart, that knew me and loved all parts, even the ones that irk them. Brooks is none of those things. No one here is any of those things. I am finding the idea of leaving forever very easy. I was never meant to stay here. We all knew that. Boys. Yes I went there. No Trevor and I were never a thing (no matter how much I wanted it.) However, he completely reshaped my image of who I want in my life as a partner later on. He says he isn’t my future, he’s likely right, however this pathetic little mind of mine won’t fully let go until one of us is married. Anyway. I was thinking of the guys I had liked in the past. None of them are even close to what I would now look for in a partner. Not even remotely. Ordinary guys don’t cut it anymore. Tracy and I talked about YWAM for a long time. It’s a bond that people that haven’t been through it don’t understand, whether they want to or not. I felt more understood and seen by her, a woman I have talked to three or four times ever, than I did and do by Brooks. It is an interesting pattern.
When the next hunger games movie comes out, I can have a boyfriend. To quote Eric. Not really. More, he said if you’re under 20 while in DTS, wait two years to date. Two years from then will be when Sunrise on the Reaping comes out. That is all. If I am still single when I go to see that movie, I sure hope my mindset is better than it is now.
I really thought it wasn’t just a spiritual high. I thought I had made real and permanent change in my life, but I feel I am back to how I was before I left. Doing devotions every few days, praying when I remember (every few days). Paying minimal attention in church. Being a Christian in the sense of “I grew up in it and this is what I’m supposed to do, but it’s the bare minimum.” I heard that when Charlie was giving Trevor advice, he said that my issue was likely not leaning on God. The thing is, I’m ok now, but I’m not exactly leaning on God. I do still need to do that. I think with how I am and have become, it will be impossible for me without a community around me. I will not have that constantly until Advance. That worries me.
I was trying to cheer myself up by thinking about things that I had missed while I was in YWAM. Here is the complete list: a loud fan. Sitting down in the shower. Not worrying about the lights turning off. Playing music out loud. Being able to keep my junk all over the place.
Things I miss about YWAM, a heavily incomplete list: community, the smell, walks, trevor, ashlin, maddie, hugs, touch, the meals, rain, the mountains, the trees, music, having people to do stuff with, connection with God, always something happening, people oh my gosh I am so rusting lonely I need community, JT, dance, THE PEOPLE, ok now I’m done.
I want people to read this. I feel incomplete when people don’t know my soul.
I feel unseen. It completes the lack of community. The disconnect.
The loneliness.
Rainy Ramblings 