If this day had been last week, or I had carried over last week’s mindset into this one, I’d probably be doing some pretty stupid stuff right now, and I’m sure that my thoughts would be dark and stormy as possible. I am pleased to announce that it was only a temporary lapse in sanity, sort of. Now instead of being so dark towards myself (to the point that Charlie has to reach out to make sure I won’t off myself), I find myself glaring at customers and yelling at my family. I honestly don’t know which is worse. It does come from a lack of intimacy with YHWH. I know that. I vaguely know how to fix it, but a huge part of having a good relationship with YHWH is having a good relationship with other Christians, and right now, I don’t.
My family is forced to talk to me by proximity and are regrettably hard to get along with. I feel that is a me issue as opposed to a them issue, maybe. I’ve had to readjust to the Nordgren Negativity, and I hate it with a passion. Maybe I never had anger issues and problems with hate and complaining. Maybe it was simply a product of what I grew up around. We are mean.
My church is not what I need anymore. It’s a struggle to know what to do with that. On the one hand, I am not growing. I do not experience intimacy with God or a community or even thought provoking sermons. It may have been what I needed in the past, but now, I feel myself backsliding, and church isn’t helping that. But on the other hand, I leave in 166 days. That’s what. 20 ish Sundays? And I won’t be around for a lot of them, my family loves to go out of town, and I have camp. So is it really worth it to go through all the effort to find somewhere else that I’ll just have to leave in September anyway? I could go to Emmanuel with Julie, but the last time I went, it felt so performative. I guess Revo does too. I don’t know. And I’ve lost Young Adults group because of the stuff with Brooks (not that I was getting anything out of that either).
I don’t have friends here. Brooks was the one person I could confidently say I was a friend to beyond circumstances, and that all crumbled today. For some reason, instead of that being heartbreaking, it came with a great measure of relief. These petty fights happen so often, I am tired of fighting for a friendship that. That only started because neither of us had anyone else. That isn’t to say that I haven’t fought in the past. For our friendship. I have. It is tiring, makes me angry, puts me in a mindset that I do not like, but still I fought. I think today is it. And I am only partially surprised to say that I hope it is over. He was mad at me for talking too much of YWAM. I could argue that point, the last few times we had hung out, I hadn’t said a word of the past. I will not. This was all sparked by an instagram story of mine about YWAM, and when I went to post something about YWAM after his initial message, I figured he didn’t want to see it, so I removed him from my story temporarily. Well. I guess that was wrong too. He tried to get me to argue my side, and as I was exhausted from a not stellar day at work, I refused. And that was that. He said he needed time to think. My mom says he is not allowing me time to mourn. I don’t know about that. He does have a point, but I feel that no matter what choice I had made about this, the outcome would have been the same. He was always going to be upset. I was always going to give up. He was always going to be left behind, and I was always going to be forgetting the people I should have remembered. One final connection, severed. I am more ready than ever to leave. I don’t have the energy to argue with him about keeping this friendship when I don’t even feel convicted about keeping it. I did pray about it. Nothing. Either God is leaving it up to me, or I am too far gone for anything He has to say to get across.
Work will kill me. I am dead inside from the moment I walk in to the moment I walk out. It feels like such a waste of life.
I think Charlie isn’t coming back to this site, which is fine. I kind of thought he would, so I could sideways explain my sideways mind, but I guess I’ll either be direct or not at all.
I have a plan to delete this page. I need to transfer it all to writing. That will take a while, as I write a LOT, so it may still be a few months. But what good is writing on a public forum if no one is around to read it? I deleted TikTok, and this relates in my mind. It contributed to the spirals.
I think I do want to talk to Charlie, simply because he is someone I look up to, and there aren’t many people like that for me. Jeremiah Walker maybe, but he has taken different steps than I have.
Rusts, I had more to say. Umm. Yeah, long story short, I am a token bad friend, but it is what it is, my relationship with God and people is lacking and I’m not actually sure at all what to do about that, and I still can’t seem to stop talking about YWAM.
I didn’t cry today.
These posts have all felt incomplete. It’s like there’s something I should be writing about in the back of my mind, but it’s barely out of reach, so I can’t begin to grasp it.
OH I REMEMBER. Or, I remember something. The quote about being ruined for the ordinary came back today. I really do think that is what has happened to me. Tracy, the woman who convinced me to do YWAM in the first place, listened to me talk for an hour, and at the end, she simply said “I knew it was right for you. Sometimes I look at people and know that they would thrive at a DTS.” I can not be satisfied at a normal job, at my allergic to anything charismatic church, at my angry all the time household, because I have seen what things can be. I have met people who demonstrate what real friendship and family looks like, and now that I know, it’s hard to be content without it. I have been at a church that is so focused on prayer, my entire (however currently lacking) prayer life with God was changed. I had a job of sharing the Gospel, and felt called to do that full time, so to be selling grumpy old people overpriced tools for nine hours a day is killing me. I have seen the world, so to be in Kansas, barely even leaving my hometown is stifling. But heavy on the friendship thing. When I was praying, I thought a lot about Maddie, Trevor, JT, Ashlin, and all the others. I realized that I have never really had any friends. Either they were like Brooks, and we were on the verge of collapse all the time, or we called ourselves friends, but went months without thinking of each other. After the bump of my own insecurities at the beginning of DTS, I got to know people. They demonstrated such pure love. I didn’t know that friendship could bring love. Maybe that is why I find it easy to let Brooks go, why I can’t seem to shut up about them to everyone I meet. God brought them into my life to heal a wound that I didn’t even know I had, so being without them is like taking away that healing, only now I know that the wound is there.
Maybe I am meant to be a better friend. I’m so tired of growth though. I want to be stagnant in a good way, in a place where I am good with God, and where I am good with people. I am not that. I am backsliding, I know that. But at least my mind is clear.
I still have to keep myself from reaching out. Trevor agreed with Brooks, so maybe, despite all he’s said, I really am hurting people by being so stuck in the past.
Rainy Ramblings 