I keep trying to write because I keep feeling all of my emotions, but I keep getting tired. The YWAM fatigue has hit, and now I will be chronically tired until a week after returning home in April. That’s a good thing though, because now I can mess up my sleep schedule without worrying about affecting anything (this is bad advice, don’t listen to me.)
I missed the constant community. Even if I don’t have all of the people I would have chosen, it’s really nice to have people. And soon enough, these people will be people I will choose too. I know that, I just forgot about how much time it took with my DTS. (Although most of that was on me, because I decided my going through it-ness meant that I didn’t want to talk to people).
I’ve been having some weird dreams. That seems to be a common theme among this group lately. Here’s the brief plots of the most memorable few. 1: Wesley (who has a girlfriend, mind you) asked me out, using a cup of water as an analogy. And I accepted. This makes no sense, as most dreams don’t. 2: I went to a cross county meet with Maddie, and she had some weird marijuana essential oil thing, and we both got high on top of some hay bales. Have I ever been high? No. Did my dream self try her best to replicate what I imagine it would be like? Yeah. I doubt it was accurate, but I’m not too keen on testing that theory. 3: it was a long dream about Adam. And actually ended up being prophetic, which is WILD. He and I were running around doing goofy things before I left, he had one leg for some reason, and we were having a great time. But then he disappeared, and i found him a little while later crying hard. We talked a lot. I woke up from that one and was so unsettled that I reached out to Adam, asked how he was doing, told him that God put him on my mind. And the next day, I was BLOCKED. (Silly goofy). But I found out that the day I reached out, he had been struggling hard core with some mental health issues. I don’t think he likes God right now, so I’ll take the block.
I’m avoiding writing about Trevor because nothing I can say will help my mental state in regards to him. I miss him a lot, I think that at this point, it’s getting rather ridiculous, I’m blocked on everything but an unused instagram account, and yet I have hope. Everyone advises me to squash it, but how can I. I fear I will wait forever for my best friend. Everyone also says that he’s not the same person anymore, so I should let go of the best friend part of him. I can’t do that either. Because that is a lie. My mom told me that she still thinks about her first love with pain every once in a while. She’s 44. She was 18. It’s not looking good for me. And that’s also not to say that we dated or anything. He was just. No. No just. He was the one person on this whole earth that I think truly understood every part of me, that I didn’t hide any part of me from.
He’s taking up a lot more space in my mind than I would care to admit. But not all the time. Only when it’s quiet. So nights. Car rides. I laugh it off when people that know ask about it though. Maybe crying about it with someone would help. I did with Amiah a few weeks ago, but that was purely an accident. And I haven’t been honest since.
Compared to where I was mentally last year, I am doing better. Even though I would argue things are worse. I’m not doing WELL, but I’m not doing bad. If this Trevor thing was resolved instead of shoved in the “please ignore” shelf of his mind, I still wouldn’t be at 100%, but I honestly don’t think I’ll get there until my brain is fully developed. I’d still miss my DTS. I still DO miss my DTS. Ashlin, Maddie, Ellie, Jt, and of course Trevor are the ones that frequent my mind, although Jaque has been popping up more and more. Charlie and Naomi would be on my mind more, but I can’t convince myself that I won’t see them soon, even though that is inaccurate.
I’m rambling now (hence the name of my blog) and it’s almost midnight, so I should wrap it up here. I get to go hiking tomorrow, and I’m so excited. I need to charge my phone for pictures.
Rainy Ramblings 