Healing

Healing is weird. The concept of it. Because what do you mean outside of one little sad moment, that was more about “oh I miss my DTS, but specifically Trevor in this instance” than it was about him leaving, I was fine today? Turns out all I needed to do was let go. Past Kiah is screaming at me to turn around while I still can, I can feel her in my mind. Stop while I still can. But I want to be healed now. I loved Trevor. I love Trevor. But I can’t stop living my life because it ended poorly. I will say again that I could never hate him. But right now, even with that love, I don’t think of him. And that’s for the best, for everyone. 

It’s been a rough past few days. Or. One day was really bad, and then God started doing what I had not let Him do before. Helped me move on. 

I’ll dissect the notes in my notes app, but outside of Monday, I haven’t been too bad. 

If I move on, then I can’t come back. If I move on, I leave my last tie to him: my grief. — i still slip into and out of that mindset honestly. But I was in that constant state until recently. Moving on makes it final. Moving on kills the hope. Moving on means that I’ll stop fighting, and if I stop fighting, then we’ll never be friends again.   But it’s not and never was for me to fight for. So on I move.

God cried with me. — God has been revealing the depths of His love to me as of late, and this is part of that.  I’m reminded of the story of Lazarus. Jesus wept. You can’t tell me that He didn’t see His beloved daughter in pain and cry with her. That’s comforting in a way. 

Just because it wasn’t Trevor doesn’t mean that God isn’t good. — pretty self explanatory, I must say. A good reminder though. 

Things I want to know, but can’t ask. 1: what he’s doing with his life. 2: how he feels about his mom’s engagement. 3: the car accident updates. — I still want to know those. That hurts I think. He was aimless before STS. He hasn’t really started the grieving process over his dad, so a remarriage surely won’t help anything. His poorly hidden anxiety over getting sued was still in full swing last time we talked. I won’t get my answers. Maybe never. That’s ok, but it still hurts. 

My depression is situational, but there is ALWAYS a situation. — This was just to make me laugh. It’d not strictly true, either. Take that as you will. 

I can be sad. I’m allowed to be sad. It’s not a sin to be sad. It IS a sin to let that sadness encroach on my calling. — preach. Enough letting that consume my mind, distracting me from what I’m actually here for. 

Dream Trevor showed up and tried to hide from me (he also had long hair). Then I tried to hide from him.  He came to talk to me, but I couldn’t find the words. He left. I chased him down. Asked if this was forever. And he said “yes. I think it has to be.”Another prophetic dream in a way. God gave me a pre warning about the stark closure that was coming. Do you think that God spoke through dream Trevor? “Yes. I think it has to be” and then waking up right after seems pretty clear. — I’m not usually one to place meaning in dreams, but this is the second dream in a week that has been vaguely. Prophetic. God hasn’t spoken to me in dreams too much, but that doesn’t mean that won’t ever change. Something I’m sure there will be updates to later. In regards to the dream, this dream was before I found out anything. Leaving him behind forever. The dream was prepping me for that maybe. 

Honey, you knew that was not from God the MINUTE that you got called to Thailand and he didn’t. You simply refused to acknowledge that. You refused to pray about it, saying that God wasn’t saying anything either way, knowing FULL WELL what the answer was going to be. You weren’t afraid of the answer. You knew the answer. You were afraid what was going to happen if you were honest about the answer. — Not sure why I called myself honey, but whatever works. 

I would have chosen to never have been friends with him over this. Because now I will have to live with the pain for much MUCH longer than I’ve known him. — I don’t know. I can’t look back at any DTS memory without pain, but I do think that would have been the case regardless of what happened. I miss them a lot, and it seems wrong that they aren’t here. And the pain over him will fade. He wasn’t worth THAT much to me. 

Ethan says we may be friends again, but I think that’s a little optimistic. — maybe. Give it a few years. 

He promised me a lot of things. He promised me things that were like a a guy promises his girlfriend. He was treating me like his girlfriend. Knowingly or not, he was using me just as much as I was using him. — how to drive stick shift, he wouldn’t leave, he’d help me buy a car, come to my house, and me to come to his, that I wouldn’t ruin our friendship because he would always stay. It took me some time to accept that he had been using me like I had been using him. I can’t put thoughts in his mind. They may or may not be true. But what it looks like to me (and a lot of other people) was that he was using me as a stand in girlfriend until he found someone he actually liked. I was doing the same to him. But when he was the one I actually liked, he knew that would complicate things with his new girl. So he left.    I don’t know how much of that I believe. Because I know him. I know the kindness in his heart, I try to remember the depths of the care for me he had. I now understand how we got here. And I understand why it was necessary. Although quite dramatic. He should have just told me he had a girlfriend. I would have backed off.  Icing me out after everything before that was only going to make things worse. Maybe he knew that. (Ultimately I miss him. I miss my best friend. But I’m not, and never was, his best friend. I knew that too)

You have to forget him. If he reaches out someday, great. But if he doesn’t, you have to accept that. — Sometimes I can accept that. Most times I think. Only late at night (like now) do I struggle. How do I go about forgetting the first person I think I ever loved?

You’re ashamed that you weren’t worth fighting for.

Do you miss him or do you miss the memories you have with him? — I don’t know. 

Not in the notes app.  It’s weird not writing for him anymore. He’s the whole reason I started writing. The only person who read what I wrote most times. 

And now he doesn’t. (Duh. That’s how it works.)

I don’t think I want him to read this one. 

I think I’m planning on making one final post about him in the days to come, to help me move on (maybe) and all that. And then, other than snippets, it won’t be about him anymore.