My iPad is at 8 percent. I think I’m going to write until it dies. Maybe. My charger is down in the green room, and I really don’t feel like making the trek outside just for a charger.
Life keeps happening, as it usually does. I can’t seem to keep up. It’s already the early hours of Wednesday, and yet it seems like it was just Friday night, setting up for the prayer burn, or last month on this day, spending my first full day back in Lynden. Strange how that works.
I got supporters. Like, monthly ones. I only have two right now, but that is two more people than I’ve ever had before, and I thank God for both of them so much. That makes what I’m doing feel more real, which is a good thing. 170$ a month is a fantastic start, and I am so blessed.
The prayer burn kind of just. Didn’t go as well as I would have hoped. All the things that I planned, I had planned on a lot more of the DTS showing up, and for the most part, they really just didn’t do that. Wesley, Levi, and Peter were in and out. Most everyone else chose to show up for one or maybe two hours. That’s fine I guess, but the prayer burn was more for them than anything. That’s ok. I was also just burnt out I think, and we didn’t start planning as soon as I would have liked, which also made a difference.
7 percent.
I have a few notes app things that I could delve into. Might as well, to avoid some of the subjects actually at hand.
“Aww flashback to when it was just a silly little crush on him” Aww yeah flashback to the maybe first week I liked him! (Not really. Everything pre-outreach was just normal Kiah crushing on someone emotion and behavior. It only got all sorts of messy after. That was a time. I haven’t felt like that about anyone since, truly giddy about the fact that they exist in the same space as me.
High key hope I never feel like that again.
“I want to see what I would have had to change to be with him, and I want to see if it would have been worth it.” My not so desperate attempts to find any information about the mysterious girlfriend. I know one singular thing about her. She went to school with him in high school. I realistically shouldn’t know anything about her, because I know myself, in a lapse of judgment, internet stalking is far too easy. But I do want to compare myself, in a pathetic sort of way. I did that with Madison, Ashlin, Jess, Milana. If I merge those four together (though, I don’t actually know anything about Madison), I would have to have a lot more confidence. Maybe to the point of being slightly abrasive at times. I would have to have a prettier face. This is a fact, no self pity. I would have to not be mentally ill. And. Here’s the kicker. I would have to have big boobs.
That alone makes it not worth it. (As I cried over him again tonight for no reason).
I know I would have had to cut big parts of myself away, I just want to know which ones (why? It’s not like you can win him over.)
I had a whole vision about someone that I used to pray for every day. It was weird. Pictures and visions aren’t ways that God speaks to me. Dreams, sure. But not visions. I won’t go super into it, but I did write this person a letter. I’m not praying for any specific results. Just that he won’t throw it away. He doesn’t like God right now. A God letter will only piss him off unless it hits at the right time.
“Lack of communication isn’t a boundary. It’s immaturity.” In a way. It can be a boundary in super extreme cases. Actually. No. I was thinking no contact. Here’s the thing. If you go no contact with someone, at the very least, explain why, and clarify a time frame. Because if you don’t do that, you have successfully put someone on pause. I can’t un-pause myself. God has been working on that, and I’m so so so close, but I mean. I “relapsed” thinking about him again tonight. So. I keep getting re-paused because Trevor chose not to communicate.
His sister made a playlist of questionably suicidal songs, and I have no way to tell him. I have no way to reach out to her either. I really hope it’s nothing.
6 percent.
“I am not allowed to be a one issue voter, because I am not a one issue human” I have opted to be a no issue voter and simply not vote. I am officially resigning from caring about big government. If I cared, I would keel over out of anxiety.
“Never dated anyone, had one singular situationship with my best friend end horribly at 19, and will never again be romantically interested in anyone.” This one kind of explains itself. I don’t necessarily know if the last part is true, but it is so far. As someone who has defined the stages of her life in terms of what boy I liked at that time for the past 6 years, not liking anyone is quite insane. It would be peaceful if it weren’t for the given circumstances.
“I don’t have close friends.” That is true. That is sad. That is something that I don’t know how to fix since I don’t have the willpower to give any actual effort to any friendship. I have to remind myself that at this point last year, I wasn’t as close with people as my mind likes to think I was. I was better friends with people at this time last year, but that’s a part of DTS.
I need friends.
Mama Sarah is nice, but she’s really insanely massively busy right now. Ella is nice, but she is also busy, and sometimes I just don’t know how to talk to her. Daniel is nice, but I don’t actually know how to expand on the intangible feelings. The DTS is nice, but they have each other, which makes sense. The rest of Advance is nice, but Ethan is a loner, and Tyler and Anna have children to deal with. The staff of Advance is nice, but they are all married and busy. Christina and Makenna are nice, but it is massively hard to actually plan things with all of our schedules. Where does that leave me? JT, an online friend now? Maddie, someone I call once a month, if that? My mom?
5 percent.
Womp womp, I say with sadness in my heart.
“God didn’t tell me to make sure he reads it. God told me to send him a letter, so I am doing what God told me, regardless of what happens” Back to the person I had a vision about. Yeah I was stressing about “what if he throws the letter away” well. I don’t think he will. I can’t say he’ll read it now. Or even in the near future. But I was told to send that letter, so send it I did.
A lot of weird Trevor stuff happened over the prayer burn. Right before it started, Ethan said something about how Trevor’s girlfriend’s cousin has cancer in the campus chat. That was weird weird weird on actually so many levels, but I cannot ask about it because there is underlying stuff. But why didn’t TREVOR say that in the DTS chat? Did he ask Ethan to say anything, or did Ethan do it of his own free will? A lot of people don’t know Trevor here, even more don’t know his girlfriend, and NO ONE knows his girlfriend’s cousin. So weird.
My reaction was weird too. I had a lot of thoughts one after the other. 1: just like his dad. This is going to bring back trauma he hasn’t dealed with yet. 2: (this is actually the most evil thing to have crossed my mind in a while, and it is so outside the norm for me, I can confidently say that this thought was not of me, but it still is yucky) I had misread it and thought it said his girlfriend had cancer, and the briefest flicker of hope went through me. There I said it. And I am horrified at myself, still, it’s been almost a week. 3: I wanted to tell Ethan to tell him I am praying. 4: I can do none of that.
It sure does seem like Trevor is trying to haunt me. If Trevor asked for that message to be sent, I am upset. And I don’t think I would be able to explain why in terms that would actually justify myself. He can’t keep invading the place that I am if he wants me to stop thinking about him. That’s the closest to what I’m thinking. This is my place now. If he wants back in, he needs to reconcile. But as it stands, he’s chosen his path, and he needs to stick to it. It’s only fair, since he’s so set on me sticking to the path he chose for me.
Woah. That felt like the old days when I would write for him to read. I want him to read that last paragraph. He won’t of course. But I wish he would.
4 percent
Also at the prayer burn. During one of my two hour sleep times, I had a dream about him. That I secretly followed him to one of his friend’s houses, and got rightfully mad. But I got my conversation. I got my communication. I got to ask all the unasked questions. And i got a set time on when he is coming back. “Is THIS forever?” And instead of a reply, he laughed at me, in a spiteful way. The very last thing in the dream was him trying to hurt me more (verbally) and I said “I know you’re only doing this because you think you have to make me hate you, and I hate that I have to let it happen if I ever want to live again.” And right before I woke up, he grimaced and said he hates it too. I don’t know if that was from God. What I do know is that it was the final push to actually start making an effort to stop holding on to the “if and when.” I’m not very good yet. I’m still thinking in terms of “oh yeah I’m giving it up, but God will still fix it, bring us back to talk, whatever” yeah no.
I don’t even know what I would do if I saw him. I think I just hit the point where I would rather not. It’s easier this way. Would I sell both of my kidneys for a chance to talk? Last week, yeah. Now? No. Maybe one kidney, but not both.
But I did pray for his girlfriend’s cousin, and his girlfriend on top of that.
3 percent.
“It’s grossly comforting to know that when we’re both in heaven, we will get to be friends again.” That is the only “if and when” that I am allowed to hold on to. There won’t be conflict of romantic feelings in heaven. That is a great comfort. One of the only things that has actually helped since this whole damn thing started.
I got to today.
My mom read most of my blog, with the intention to read all of it. That’s crazy actually. That’s hours and hours and hours of reading. Also crazy because I only write about the bad things.
She knows that now. After last year, she has to.
“So things were really bad even before Trevor? Kiah, how did you survive the after?” I honestly don’t know.
I wonder if he knows that I seriously thought of killing myself after he left.
And only didn’t because he promised to come back someday.
And only didn’t because wouldn’t it be pathetic to kill yourself over a boy?
And a part of me wonders if that could be why he didn’t leave earlier.
I know it’s not.
But I do sometimes wonder.
How did I survive the after?
I don’t remember any of August.
It’s like that one part of Twilight where Bella just floats for three months, and the pages of those months are completely blank.
That’s me with August.
I read my Bible so I wouldn’t kill myself.
Or do something slightly less stupid, like get into drugs or something.
A friend did offer weed.
If it had been the first week after, I would have said yes, no questions asked, no regrets.
Blessedly, it was in early September.
Though I don’t have many memories from that time either, I was stable enough to not want to actively be dead, and to know that me getting high would spell almost certain disaster for my future.
The friend had the best intentions at heart, she was trying to help in the way that she knew how. I don’t fault her for it at all
I’m just glad, and mostly shocked, that I said no.
The kickstart of a drug addiction would have made everything worse.
See, I know myself. That would have been all that I needed to be hooked.
Anyway. My mom bringing stuff up made me cry tonight. First time in. Oh who am I kidding. I cry a lot.
2 percent.
It’s ok. I’m growing up, moving forward (but never on). I’m crying now, but maybe I don’t beat myself up over it. Maybe I just go to bed.
Rainy Ramblings 