Stable

I am normal tonight. That is rare as of late. 

To sum up how the past week and a half since I last wrote has been: I now have a therapist that I will be seeing weekly. 

It was either that or a residential facility for a few weeks. 

I’m fine tonight, maybe it’s a good day, or maybe it was the joys of the staff Christmas party that I got to be a part of, or any plethora of things.  However, I haven’t had that sense of “I’m not going to cry myself to sleep tonight” today, so it’s safe for me to write. 

I know I say I write when I’m sad, and that’s true. (I could pull a corny “that’s the secret. I’m always sad” hulk type thing, but that’s also not true, not quite. It’s a little more nuanced than that.) But when I am too sad, writing isn’t safe for me. I had a massive spiral over thanksgiving. The last time I had a spiral of that size, my writing was what sparked my losing Trevor. And the time before that was very much the same, but Trevor wasn’t as good at staying gone in April as he is now. I don’t have a Trevor to lose anymore, but I do have a mom and a mama who would have forced me home for my own betterment, so I thought it best to leave the keyboard alone. 

A year ago today was my first day in Thailand. I remember it so incredibly vividly, it couldn’t have been a year ago. I remember being proud of the fact that I ate, saying goodbye to the Cambodia team, sitting on my bed texting “Cali Boy”, the breath of fresh air that is an air con, the mall and not having money to exchange, not understanding the majority for the first time in my life, and specifically the night market. Too many people, Trevor and I talking about shipping Maddie and JT, fighting our way to the end and watching Trevor take a bit of some weird cheese thing, and trying it after him (it was bad). Settling on a mango smoothie. Buying something with baht for the first time. Sitting at a picnic table trying to decide if my smoothie was safe to drink, and eventually tossing over half of it. I can’t even remember conversations that I had today, but I can remember many distinct conversations from that day. The smells. My emotions. I wonder if it could be the fact that I hand wrote everything in Thailand as opposed to typing it. Or my brain/God knew I would want the memories to hold on to. 

I don’t feel much pain, but wow do I look on in amazement about the fact that it has been a year. I am in a much worse spot now. Sad. I mostly look on with a small amount of jealousy at that Kiah, for what she was going to get to experience. She knew it, that I would look back with copious amounts of longing years in the future. That’s one thing you can never say about me. I know exactly what I have, and all that I have to lose. 

I don’t really want to get into the spiral over thanksgiving other than this. The mind that I have then is so entirely separate from me, it is impossible to put into words. I have Monday off, and I have desperately been trying to fill it, because I can, under no circumstances, have a day. I didn’t even say that much about it to mom and Mama Sarah, and yet they understood the urgency that was different in this particular spiral. 

Ok. That’s all on that. 

Connor King came back to speak. This DTS didn’t have near the issues that we had with him. He did an Advance lecture on conflict management, which I thought was fitting, all things considered. It was a really good lecture. I think maybe my favorite since the start. I also asked him about last year, and he just chucked and said he was wondering when I’d bring it up. – A lot of the notes I took were “come back to these later” notes, and now is in fact later, so lets get right into it. 

To start the lecture, he asked us who we are and why we follow Jesus. This was my response at that moment. “I follow Jesus. (Why tho?) i’m sure its in part because of how I was raised. But God has so perfectly orchestrated my life, and every time I say yes to things He calls me to (even if i don’t want to), it draws me deeper into what he’s made me to be. Not quite the right wording.   I won’t say it always makes sense. But every time I have listened to Him, I’m never left wishing that I hadn’t chosen to.   His out of all voices is the most trustworthy, and I have seen that again and again. That is why I follow Him.” After those ponderings, he had us say them out loud, and people would basically encourage/say good things that they see in the person. 

I got told I’m funny for the first thing. Heck yeah. 

A lot of that actually stemmed from a conversation earlier that morning during Bible study, about if you believe in Jesus because of miracles and why or why that was not a bad thing. I said no, but also what defines a miracle? Part of me says big massive healings, and that’s a no. But another part of me says that the voice of God Itself is a miracle, and that IS a massive reason that I believe and choose to follow Him. 

I’m never left wishing I hadn’t chosen to. I will say, that does take time. The specific things that I had been thinking of were: Thailand, Wait (Adam), Let Go (Cody), Go Home, Don’t do STS. All of those things had their share of “ughhhhhhh God whyyyyy, this sucks, my way is obviously better” before it all made sense. 

Thailand. I really wanted to go to Cambodia. After hearing about Cambodia and experiencing Thailand, I would not have listened to any call into missions in Cambodia. I thrived in Thailand, and still regularly keep up with some of my friends there, even making plans to see them in a few years. Most of my life plan as of this moment involves Thailand to some extent. And to think I would have missed it because I didn’t want to play soccer.

Wait (Adam): this was the first time I really heard God’s voice, and it was in regards to the spiritual state of one of my friends. I really wanted to force him to come to church, to be my friend, to care about God and life and all that, but I was told no. And I didn’t understand. Maybe I still don’t. But most of my life then was wrapped up in his health and wellbeing, and considering that he is neither healthy nor well, it is good that God pushed me to step back and back and back. This is the same friend that I begrudgingly wrote a letter to. The same friend that I assume threw said letter away. But hey. God said write and send it. Not make sure he reads it. 

Let Go (Cody): this one HURT. I started praying solo in Pattaya, and God said I have no future with him, he is not the one. (Here’s the thing, He had been saying that from the get go, but MAN was it nice to be loved in a romantic way for the first time in my life.) I really didn’t think that I could let go, but I did, and seeing Cody a month ago affirmed my listening to God. 

Go Home: I wanted to do DBS, God said no. Instead I went home and WORKED. BLEH. But now I have money for Outreach. 

Don’t Go to STS: I have no idea what would have happened. Trevor exited my life during STS, and if I had gone. I don’t know. There’s a part of me that thinks that it wouldn’t have happened at all if I had been there in person because face to face conversations are always better, and I would NEVER have confessed feelings via blog if I would have had to see his face in class the next day. But the other part of me knows that this was inevitable, if not then, then when he actually started dating Girlfriend, because I would have lost it so bad, and that would have been worse. (Not saying I didn’t lose it, just. It would have been not pretty.) And if it had happened while we were both here, I feel that he would have gotten YWAM North Cascades, Lynden, Washington, and all the people that go along with that. I would have dropped Advance. Probably would have quit STS early. I don’t know. And I never will. 

So. That was the beginning, and all the people said all the things, and I wrote them down somewhere because I forget that there is good in me sometimes, so I need that reminder. 

Unrelated, but during that lecture: The Way of Kings. The best work of fiction to come out of Mormonism since Twilight and the Book of Mormon itself. I think I’m FUNNY. Because I AM. Ok moving on. 

There was a lot of talk about re-humanizing people, and how we tend to get “in the box” towards them, as in inflating the faults of and blaming others, vs working to be “out of the box” towards people, seeing them as real people with real emotions. I’m not the worst at this. At the very least, I can pinpoint specific people with whom I am “in the box” with. That can also look like “they are something angry” not just ew human.  

Of course a lecture about conflict management would find it’s way back to Trevor eventually. It always does it seems. My issues in the box with Trevor are A: a problem that I need to find a solution to, and B: a question I don’t have answer to. So he is no longer human, but a problem and a question. I am trying to fix it in part because it is something that I want to fix. I am a fixer, and part of the reason that I dwell is because I can’t.

People will see the boxes you have them in.  When I do things, Trevor sees that I want to fix, not that I want to reconcile. Because in part that is true. 

Growing up is learning just how incapable of fixing things you really are. 

Treat disunity like a crisis. I remember hearing that during my DTS, and I had forgotten that it was Connor that said it. Right now, I am unable to do anything about the crisis that this disunity has become, and I think right now, I am not supposed to. 

“Having nothing to do with them is a last case scenario. I don’t think Christians are allowed to burn bridges.”  Here’s the thing. Do not hear me saying “ahh trevor burned this bridge ahhhhhhhh how dare he” because back at the VERY beginning, I myself said that I was burning that bridge. I said it. Multiple times. This one is on me. 

“Sooo what I’m hearing is what I did wrong with trying to resolve conflict with Trevor is that I didn’t pray and listen to God about it before I tried to reach out again.” Yup. A thousand times yup. 

This was a series of thoughts, that sort of sounds like dialogue, because it was, internally. “Why are you so mad? Because he left me. Why? Because I told him I like him. Why? Because he was interested in another girl. So. See where that leaves me? I wanted him to pick between me and Girlfriend without even realizing that was what I was doing.” That was a revelation. But shouldn’t have been, because it seems stupid obvious now. So I’m mad because I made him pick, and he didn’t pick me. 

I said I would ponder that one later, but I don’t think I can without taking a potentially dangerous thought path, so I’ll leave it.

The enemy will do everything to make a conflict a relationship ending conflict. (The stuff with Trevor did not need to be a relationship ending conflict, but it was.) I wanted to ask about it, but there was too much nuance involved in the whole deal, and deep down, I knew that my next step was to leave him alone. If he is adamantly refusing reconciliation, I can’t force it. 

Here’s the big one though. I was talking about that over dinner, and Ethan hears and says “Oh Trevor doesn’t hate you. He asked how you were. I called him the other day and he asked about you.” 

Oh. Man. I have a lot of feelings about this. 

Feeling one: hope. He cares enough to ask Ethan. He’ll care enough to ask me soon, right? Surely he will!

Feeling two: sadness. He still asks about me, but won’t ask me. He does still care. I had spent so much time constructing a narrative in which he didn’t. He cares, but won’t reach out. And I don’t get to reach out to him. He cares and that looks like him not speaking to me. And I don’t get a choice in the matter. And I’m sure I know what Ethan said, as he isn’t really the most observant guy. “Oh Kiah? Yeah she’s fine. Works in Bellingham a lot, does music.” And that would be all you would get from him. Nothing about how I have refused friendship from everyone here, not on purpose, but because I simply can’t. Trevor doesn’t actually know how I’m doing, he knows what little Ethan thinks he knows. 

Feeling three: shock. My narrative was really convincing. I almost believed it. I knew that he wanted me to hate him (which as I’ve said many times over, I can not and never will), and through sheer stubbornness, I decided that instead of that, I would try to convince myself that he hated me (an old and dusty thought path, hasn’t been visited in a while). And it almost worked. That almost was enough that when something so potently went against my narrative, I was shocked. 

Feeling four: anger. How dare he be allowed to check in on me, and to talk about me, and to ask about me, and to get ANSWERS about me, and to KNOW about me, and to CARE care care care, but he has decided that I don’t get to care. I don’t get to check in. I don’t get that. He still gets me, but I don’t get him. How dare he make that decision for me. That was not his to make. How dare he. That is not fair. None of this is fair. He doesn’t get to ask about me unless he’s asking me. And he won’t. 

Feeling five: affirmation. I was terrified that if I didn’t remind him of my presence occasionally, he would forget me. I haven’t been able to remind him in a mighty long time. He didn’t forget me. He won’t forget me, and the friendship was important to him. It did hurt him to leave. I didn’t know. 

Feeling six: confusion. What now. I don’t get to do anything but sit with the confliction of emotion until it passes, until something else happens related to him and I have to ride the wave again. But he cares. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t. For how good my memory is, I sure am quick to forget love. 

I’m supposed to go on these mobilization tour things, and Jen and Sarah keep talking about stopping by Trevor’s house. I soft launched the fact that I would not be welcome there to Sarah today. (Does that stop me from hoping desperately that I DO end up seeing him, stopping by his house, whatever? Absolutely not. I would love to do that. I just don’t want to hinder this base because of my inability to handle anything well.)

Yeah basically he still cares and that’s stupid that he’s allowed to and I’m not. 

Whatever. 

I’m in therapy now. The issue is, I am self aware. So. 

We’ll see how that goes.