This title has no real significance. Actually, that’s a lie. But I will be choosing to keep the relevance hidden. Ask if you care.
I’m back in Washington. Moved into the girls house. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s good in a lot of ways. I’m around friends now. The carpet is nice. My room is cute. I’m getting my steps in every day. I feel more real in some senses. But also, it’s a walk. I keep forgetting things and not being able to just run upstairs and grab them. I think the girls already living here are adjusting to my being here, and however kindly they do it, adjustment periods are uncomfortable, and I am picking up on that. It’s ok, give it a week and this will be normal.
A few weeks ago, I got the feeling for the first time that who I am now is so different from who I was a year ago, that I would not fit in Team Thailand as it was. Another thing I don’t know how to feel about. That’s sad in a lot of ways, because I definitely thought of Outreach DTS Kiah as my prime self, and I am miles away from her now. But that’s not in all bad ways. In fact, a lot of those ways are really good. How I relate to people, my self control and leadership. All have improved. Such is life. If it didn’t change, something would be wrong.
This was a thought I also had a few weeks ago. As it is now, I have not thought of Trevor with any sort of strong emotion in a little bit. Two weeks maybe. Three? That’s a great thing. Anyway. If I had been as I am now back then, when he and I had first met, he would have liked me. But I would never have become as I am now if I had not known him as I was then. It’s a paradox. No. It’s the answer. There is no universe, no world, no timeline in which he could have loved me. And to take that farther, if I had met him for the first time as I am now, I would have found him annoying and immature. Crazy how that works. Crazy how April Kiah knew this would happen.
There’s a quote I could pull out, about how I am nothing without my toxic cycles. I burn a bridge, then see the ash and convince myself that that’s all that there ever was. I bring myself to hate them to cope with the fact that I dealt the killing blow. A quote by me I should say. But it’s in the depths of my blog, and who has time for that. Not me.
I lived four distinct lifetimes during the course of 2025. 1: DTS. January to the beginning of March. That one is obvious. 2: Grey. The after DTS (March to late May) was very bad. The grey of depression. Just. Bleh. A lack of passion for life, a waiting for things to come, to the point that I don’t care about the present. 3: Camp. (June) This one is also obvious. 4: Black. I guess I would say that camp sort of stretched to the beginning of August, based on vibes alone. But the 11th of august. Oh that day. It was bad. The black of depression. Not the lack of feeling. Oh no. The lack of all feeling outside of despair. Cute, right? I am happy to say I think I’m in remission. That is always subject to change unfortunately, but for now, I am ok. I am thriving if you will.
How often have you asked someone to pray for you when you haven’t even talked to God yourself? I don’t remember why I wrote this down, but I think it’s a me quote. It doesn’t really pertain though, because I don’t ask people to pray for me lol.
I learned how to drive stick. Trevor was going to teach me. For a while, I said I would never learn. But that shows that I have moved on. AND i was okay at it. I only stalled out twice. Win.
Trevor lives for convenient friendships. My last (hopefully) rant/yap with my mom about him, this was a conclusion I reached. Here is my evidence (outside of my own experience). He never reached out to Christina, despite his being closer to her than I was AND my urging him to. He never reached out to anyone from my DTS on any consistent basis. Ok so that’s all I have. Overall, Trevor wasn’t a bad dude, but the red flags that I chose to completely just not even see are visible now. Immaturity. A lack of self control. Or impulse control I guess. A lack of drive. That whole night after graduation, where he promised to go hiking with me in Portland, but then “oh I want to invite all 20 of my friends” oh but then you’ll go off with them and I won’t know anyone “you’ll know me” ok yes but no. Invite like one or two “we’ll just not go hiking” and then he LEFT ME ALONE AT HIS HOUSE WITH HIS FAMILY THAT I HAD KNOWN FOR ALL OF 3 HOURS WHILE HE WENT DRIFTING FOR HOURS AND HOURS and I love his sister, but I literally was stuck at his house with people who were just as confused as I was about being there. anyway. Not actually that big of a deal. I don’t think my face shifted out of neutral during that whole section
Getting over the idol of Trevor by replacing it with another idol. I don’t think so. I wrote it down last night, but there are two things that I was thinking I was replacing it with, and both of them are oxymoronic, so. I can’t have an idol of singleness and an idol of Unnamed person at the same time. It doesn’t work like that.
But yeah so. Unnamed person. This sucks. I really do not want to like someone right now. Maybe ever. I am not in a position to handle anything like that in a healthy way. And it doesn’t help that everything seems to be shifting so I couldn’t even avoid him if I so chose to do so. Maybe I’ll get more into this later, but many of the thoughts that I have about what is happening with Unnamed person need to stay inside thoughts, for my own sake. He wouldn’t see them, but others would, and that might be worse.
To sum it up: I like a boy. Even after saying that I never would again, and especially not here of all places. I thought going home for Christmas would resolve it, and it did, until it didn’t anymore. And that person is around me a lot. And it makes no sense in any way. And trying to ignore it never works, I know that now. But this can’t work either. I don’t want to hurt again.
Rainy Ramblings 