Category Archives: Journal

I scheduled this post to be posted the day I get back from outreach. I’m writing this on the plane to Seoul. We just passed over Japan and I’ve officially seen a continent outside of my home. A thought hit me as we were first taking off from Seattle. More time will pass between thatContinue reading “Outreach pre”

Most people struggle with thinking that they’re not enough. I am and have always been the opposite. I am too much. I stifle people. Overwhelm them. And even if someone denies it, my mind still finds ways to twist that into something worse. I wonder if that will ever change. I read my childhood journalContinue reading “Too much”

This post is going to be along the same style that my old posts were, as a form of verbal processing. If you’re new here, this is where things tend to get “darker” in nature, as dumping all of my thoughts onto paper makes them more manageable. This is not the newsletter that is inContinue reading “Back to the Basics”

Am I a product of my environment, or just of myself? The inner turmoil only grows louder. I’m writing this in hopes that I won’t suddenly feel reckless and post it to my blog. Maybe I should delete my page entirely. Not that that would help. If I set my mind to it, I’ll findContinue reading ““Don’t post this””

I have been back in the states for a little over a week. That has been weird to say the least. I also leave YWAM in a little over two weeks. That is terrifying.  Being back Sitting in lectures again, after everything I’ve been through, everyone I’ve met, everywhere I’ve been, is… different. It feelsContinue reading “Middle”

My dear readers, I must confess that I haven’t been entirely honest with you. Should I be writing this for the general public? No. But I’m in a bit of a self sabotaging mood. If you’ve been around a while, you’ve read about me processing my feelings for Trevor in the beginning, and everything withContinue reading “Honesty”

A Day in the Life of a Maybe Missionary I thought I would do something fun, switch things up. All of our days look at least mildly different, so I’ll pick a day and pretend the schedule is cohesive.  I wake up in my shared room to Maddie’s alarm. Ashlin somehow manages to sleep throughContinue reading “A Day in the Life of a Maybe Missionary”

A lot of things hit today that hadn’t hit yet.  I had been inadvertently thinking that when I finish the Bible, and as a result, reach out to him again, everything will go back to the way it was before all of this.  I know that isn’t true. But I’d let myself believe it untilContinue reading “Aftershocks.”

I don’t know why I’m here, writing again.  I had it all processed and thought out and through and over.  It’s a lot of little things, really.  He’s pretending nothing is wrong in the Thailand group chat, but only to an extent.  I found out that he’s still having full conversations with my mom.  TheContinue reading “Continuation”

Have I avoided writing for the past week because blocking off pain is the only way I know how to deal with actual hurt? Yes.  Am I already crying, after spending the last week fighting so very hard against any ounce of feeling, positive or negative (and failing for the most part?) Yes.  I don’tContinue reading “Afterward.”